Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

[TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow]

Morning all,

This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend.
My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now.

Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'.

Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in!

I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing.

AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore.

He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine.

AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

I think you're right, he has always been one to complain really so if it wasn't this it would probably be something else sadly.

Mum and I have came up with a bit of a plan last night as to where to start. He's going to have to accept help from outside care. If he wants to stay in his home, he doesn't have a choice! But thank you for sharing your experience I appreciate it

I do sympathise, OP. My Mum is going the same way. She just doesn’t hear what I say and so I have to bellow but refuses to have a hearing test. It’s exhausting shouting at her and makes normal conversation impossible. This is just me, but I also find I get often a real upsurge of anger when I say something and she just doesn’t respond - it’s irrational but I feel that my parents always ignored me and didn’t take me seriously growing up, and it clearly triggers a reaction in me that she’s doing that again (even though the reason is different). And I have sensory sensitivities too and find noise really difficult. It’s very frustrating. I have no answers beyond those you’ve already been given by the kinder and more constructive posters up thread, but you have my sympathies.

Book your GF an appointment at Specsavers to have his ears cleaned out, it costs £50

Apply for this for your GF
It is not means tested

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

Please see my previous posts, we've taken him very recently. Each time he says his ears are blocked we take him, and his ears are clear. He uses it as an excuse not to wear the aids so me and mum make sure it's eliminated

It's not always about vanity .

My understanding is that hearing aids raise the volume of all sounds including background noises - they don't differentiate between the sound of the voices of people speaking directly to you - and things going on in the background - traffic, the washing machine, other people if you are out somewhere. They can just make someone's world feel noisy and painful.

I think if someone has aids when they first get slight hearing loss they get used to them and the volume will be adjusted as their hearing worsens - but for someone with major hearing loss to go from no aids to aids that a medical professional has given for their now substantial needs can be quite painful.

That's why someone may choose not to wear them.

But yes, it can be irritating when you have to get practically in someone's face and shout.

Not a reason to refuse to see an elderly person who needs help and company though. And threats like that are rather controlling.

Really good that you and your mum have started the ball rolling on getting practical help in place. Take no prisoners!!!

He'll have to suck it up, but will soon get used to it.

I expect he'll throw a few tantrums but stick to your guns.

I dont think its always productive to boundary set in the traditional way with vulnerable elderly people who are stubborn and stuck in their ways. Your grandad isnt going to think, Oh best respect her boundary! As that's a contemporary concept that will have little meaning. He's just going to think you're being mean, and lean even more on other people. So pragmatism is what's needed. I'd just speak to him normally and when he didn't hear, I'd shrug and gesture that he needed to put his hearing aids in. I wouldn't shout or make further attempts just keep making the put your hearing aids in gesture, dripping tap style. TV would be subtitles.

Well—but he can lean in other oeople then? Like carers? Or his old guy friends?

@TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow
ignore the people insisting you immolate yourself for your granddad. Your rule is perfectly reasonable

If you can’t implement the new rule in your house then go into the TV control and simply eliminate the sound and lose the control. He will either make do with subtitles and watch silently or stop coming to yours because its boring without tv.

Your mother needs help but I think all you can do is have your father set the boundaries.

Hire a taxi to take him to and from his group.

Best of luck.

That's what I would call setting a boundary. Boundaries aren't to change other people, they're to respect and protect yourself. What you've described here sounds exactly like setting a boundary to me, simply being clear about what you will and won't do/accept (eg won't shout or have TV on loud). I don't think anyone would suggest this elderly man is going to think in terms of boundaries or have a sudden personality change. But OP will have stood up for her limits, and set her boundaries.

I'm happily contemplating those who are shouting 'Let the old sod suffer! Stand your ground!' losing their own hearing. You almost certainly will when you get older. This attitude is rather cruel and unfeeling.

Wearing hearing aids can be uncomfortable, the sound you get through them can be unpleasant - especially if you can't afford top-of-the-range aids, and they make your ears itch. You should wear them if you are losing your hearing - it can affect your cognitive ability, but if you are profoundly deaf, aids aren't all that helpful anyway.

This guy is 82 and frail. He isn't going to be around much longer. How hard is it to be a bit tolerant?

I'm 77, worn hearing aids since my fifties, if I want to communicate I have to wear them. Mine are NHS, and absolutely fine. I think OP and her mother have put up with an awful lot from her grandfather, he seems to assume that they're his servants. I also think that their solution is a good idea.

It is hard when he expects us to bend over backwards for him, and do everything for him, when he does in your words have 'top of the range' aids that cost thousands. He isn't completely or profoundly deaf, either.

If we're running ourselves ragged trying to keep him out of a care home, he can meet us half way and wear his hearing aids as and when we see him.

I think it's ridiculous to use the whole 'he's 82' - as if that exempts anyone from being entitled and rude.

I agree.

Mum and I have since put very firm boundaries in place. We have had to, as we were both at breaking point.
Grandad has had everything done in his life by my nanny, and I think the misogynistic behaviours are very deep rooted now, but manners and compromise should never be missing. He's had to learn the hard way unfortunately, as much as we love him!

YANBU. Well done for putting boundaries in. Your mum and you deserve consideration and already do so much for someone who sounds ungrateful and selfish. 💐