Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is my money his money?

485 replies

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:23

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

OP posts:
WingingItFTM · 04/12/2024 18:55

My partner was in a similar position.

He lost his job in the fallout from Covid.
He was out of work for just over 2 years.
He had payment protection insurance which covered about 1/2 his typical salary but we burnt through all our joint savings which were substantial as we had been planning on doing some renovations.

In this time he did no housework. He didn’t even put his plates in the dishwasher.
He refused to get any sort of job (ie shelf stacking/food delivery) as he said this would stop him looking for/getting a proper job.

Our young child was in Nursery 3 days a week (he did look after him 1 weekday a week) but he wouldn’t stop or cut down his Nursery days as again he said he couldn’t look after a child and job hunt.
Not un-regularly he would tell me he also had to job hunt over the weekends so couldn’t help out with our child then either.

Now that he finally is in work (earning a fair amount more than me) he won’t pay a penny over 50% into our joint account for bills etc. (in the past - several years ago - we had paid in proportionally to our salary).

It’s a long story but what i’m saying is - listen to your gut. I’m now seeing a therapist and planning to leave in the NY. Wish I’d done it sooner

adriftinadenofvipers · 04/12/2024 18:56

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:39

This is it exactly. I think he's holding out for a job he really wants rather than any job to bring in some money. I have made loads of suggestions including moving somewhere cheaper, he just says yes we could do that or I could get a job...

Show quote history

He needs to get a job, ANY job. PLUS he should be doing household shit when he has time on his hands. A year is ridiculous. I wouldn't be keen on funding him either!

ATM he's just a cocklodger.

teatoast8 · 04/12/2024 18:57

Get rid

Pippyls67 · 04/12/2024 18:58

Don’t think you’ll be able to insist in law that it’s a loan ie you won’t be able to force repayment. Tell him he gets any old job literally shelf stacking at night or washing up in a kitchens instead. Then you’ll consider increasing your share of expenses. But only marginally. Otherwise grey rock and don’t engage with him.

Newmumatlast · 04/12/2024 18:59

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:23

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

Are you not married?

FeetLikeFlippers · 04/12/2024 19:00

It’s hard to say without knowing more about your situation/relationship - age, children, how long you’ve been together, future plans, past experiences etc - but my gut feeling is that your “instinctive” reaction to want to protect your savings might be a red flag about how you feel about him. Do you think maybe subconsciously you want to hang onto your savings in case you decide to leave him at some point in the future? If he’s the man that you really see yourself spending the rest of life with, I’m not sure you’d be having these reservations. It sounds like his period of unemployment has shown you a side of him that you don’t like, and I really don’t blame you. If I was working full time and my partner wasn’t, I’d expect him to pull his weight around the house and would find it very off-putting (immature, selfish, etc) if he didn’t.

SouthMumof2 · 04/12/2024 19:05

I think you know the answer… don’t give him your savings they are yours that you’ve worked hard for. You’re not married so he has no right to them. A year with no employment is a big red flag and he could have got any lower paid job in the meantime whilst waiting for a well paid job.
Him not doing any house work sounds like he completely disrespects you! you should be coming home to a spotless house with dinner on the table if he’s not working.
I would be firm about the savings and just say no. He sounds too comfortable at not working and you will end up resenting him, breaking up and you have no savings left.
Really ask yourself if you want to be with someone who is willing to disrespect you like that? What are you getting out of the relationship? Does he have any redeeming features?

Flavourful · 04/12/2024 19:06

Its a tough one, im married and always shared an account with my OH where both wages go into and all bills go out of. Our money all the way.
For you though, youve always had seperate accounts and if he always earned more but didn’t provide more then I can see your view. What would he do if you didn’t have those savings? How long is he talking about you keeping both of you? He needs to get his head of the sand and get a job any job to see him through or youll grow resentful.

Mrsbloggz · 04/12/2024 19:07

I dont know if you are still reading OP but your money is his money because he views you as his servant!

RawBloomers · 04/12/2024 19:08

Lyraloo · 04/12/2024 18:55

Do you know what proportionally means? Clearly they didn’t pay 50/50 they paid based on their relative salary’s. He also paid for holidays. It seems the op was happy to use his money for holidays, but now it’s a case of, what’s his is ours, but what’s mine is my own!

Show quote history

Yes. I know what proportionally means, do you?

OP’s statement seemed contradictory, which was why I asked. From the follow ups from OP it’s clear they didn’t pay 50/50, but also that it wasn’t proportional to salary either.

He paid more at first but not necessarily in proportion to his salary. More recently OP took on more expenses and it may have been more like 50/50 or even tilted slightly towards her paying more, but since the partner isn’t working it was very much not in proportion to salary either.

Sadcafe · 04/12/2024 19:14

Always an interesting debate this, had it many times with our children who all have the my money , there money way of living where DW and I have always considered whatever we earn as our money, for both of us to use , we’ve always had a joint bank account and the only reason we have separate savings is because we use isas and you can’t have them being joint, most of our lives i earned the higher wage, now retired while she still works , the roles have reversed but it’s still our money, why do people find it so difficult to accept that some of us are perfectly happy this way

Merrygoround8 · 04/12/2024 19:16

Calling him DH means husband and means everything is shared.

If not married, do what you like but what’s his plan/your plan if you say no?

Also do you see yourself with him forever?

Retiredfromearlyyears · 04/12/2024 19:17

He should absolutely be at very least running the house.Even if he finds a job.If you split the finances, you also split the workload in the house!. I certainly wouldn't be looking for a second job . I think you need to sit down and have an honest chat about where you go from here. It may well be that you will have to state clearly that you don't plan on sharing your savings .Be prepared for his reaction to that though.

Loopylambs · 04/12/2024 19:33

You work full time and he expects you to get a second , part time job? He doesn’t help around the house ? What happens when he’s used all your savings ? If he won’t find any job and do some housework in the meantime , please use the remaining money to help yourself out of this and look after yourself.

Mem1 · 04/12/2024 19:40

Personally I would have been budgeting for this = moving savings over & taking on more of the expenses upfront from the beginning IF I believed he was genuinely looking for work & I was willingly in the relationship

Regardless of wether you's are married or not if you live together bills are shared responsibilities & if ones not working the other will have to pick up the slack or at least agree to how long theyre able to help support them

It seems like you were burying your head in the sand by allowing him to drain his savings over a year & just hoping he would find work in the meantime which simply hasnt happened.

MrsMrsD · 04/12/2024 19:45

I'd feel the same OP. When I was earning a lot more than my DH it was our money. I paid for most things house related and he was happy to spend. Now that I don't earn as much he still spends but all on things for him. Not house things, not food, not car insurances/mot's. He's very quiet almost secretive about money now. He says if I need money to ask him for shopping money etc but I'm not going cap in hand. He knows when the joint account is low so should just put money in!

HMW1906 · 04/12/2024 19:48

So in a year he can’t find any job at all??? Really?? It sounds like he’s not in a position to be picky about what job he does to be honest.

Potato1234 · 04/12/2024 19:51

No way would I tolerate my partner going a YEAR without employment (without legit reasons e.g. illness etc.) he should have got any old job just to earn money. Uber eats, temp Christmas work, care agencies. It’s still money. Sounds lazy and I don’t blame you for not wanting to pay for everything. But ultimately you are a partnership and you have bills to pay so they need paid one way or another. Honestly I’d get rid, there’s nothing more unattractive than someone who lazes around all day with no motivation or ambition

RB68 · 04/12/2024 19:53

technically it is all shared money and would be treated as such were you to divorce.

However he needs to find work doing whatever he can and maybe be a bit more realistic about which jobs he is applying or etc - I would maybe ask him to engage with a coach to get things sorted with some sort of drive behind it

Gravitasdepleted · 04/12/2024 19:56

The being unemployed and doing nothing in the house is the killer for me. So disrespectful, why are you his skivvy? Even without the money issues that's disgraceful, and now he expects you to fund him. Id lose interest in someone behaving like that very fast. Give him nothing, keep the roof over your head while you decide what you want to do next. He obviously thinks he's very special, too special to clean up his own dirt and cook his meals, let alone take a job to pay his bills, what a prince.

GivingitToGod · 04/12/2024 19:57

Autumntrees1234 · 03/12/2024 00:57

I work full time. I'm very happy in my work but I could get an extra job. I applied for a couple today. I think I have been supportive whilst he's been looking for work but I guess I'm frightened that we are now moving into a slightly more precarious situation.

Show quote history

I understand this OP but as you are a couple and he has run out of savings, it's only fair that you support him. If it was the other way around; ie you had lost your job and run out of savings), then it would be fair that he supported you. That said, your partner needs to get a job of any sort ASAP until he gets his ideal job.
I can understand why you don't want to use your hard earned savings for everyday living

Petlover9 · 04/12/2024 20:03

WeeWigglet · 03/12/2024 00:34

I mean, I assume you're living together so if he's not earning, yes, you're going to have to pay the rent or you won't have a home.

But it changes things, him being a DP not DH. So he's no claim to your money if you chose to leave.

This is your opportunity to sort this out - what do you want to do?
What happens in the future? He gets another higher paying job & you're left trying to claw back your savings solo? Forget that.

Assuming you want to carry on the relationship, I'd ask him what he intends to do when he's employed again, compare it to what you think should happen & take it from there.

Don't let him fob you off with 'Ill sort it' or other vague versions of 'Im not telling you'.

Totally agree with this. He could have found some type of work surely, does he expect to be offered a top job? and is too grand to take anything with a wage. You would be better off on your own. Don't touch your savings, if anything move them to a longer notice account!

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 04/12/2024 20:19

It doesn't sound like you like him very much op?

Whose house is it?

I'd want to separate rather than support someone who contributes absolutely nothing positive to my life.

WonderingOneOfAll · 04/12/2024 20:21

I would start saving say 10% of your salary into YOUR savings account.

Do you see yourself with him in 10 years? (If the job/salary situation improves a lot)

Take care OP
💐

WonderingOneOfAll · 04/12/2024 20:22

I would protect my savings like a hawk 😉