Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

You got married surely for richer for poorer was mentioned.
or you could just send him to the nearest YMCA until he gets a job and can fund himself, by that point he’ll probably be DXH though

They aren't married she put that in her update.

Thanks

When I lost my job I worked in a hotel for a year so I could contribute to the bills. At the same time because we cancelled our cleaner, and I paid less towards the bills, I did the housework. I could have held out for “the job” but couldn’t afford to.

i have recently been made redundant and have found a new job after 2 months looking. It required some compromises - maybe he needs to compromise a bit?

ESH IMO.

I'm struggling to understand why he hasn't found something in a year. I mean fast food? Retail? Are all better than nothing if he's struggling to get back in his chosen field. INFO: why or how did he lose the job?

I think he's unreasonable if he's unwilling to work, because working means any job, not talking to you about the situation and dumping the responsibility on your door once he's exhausted options.

But I do think relationships are team work and assuming you live together and are committed soft YBU to not help him IF that's the only option because you are supposed to be a team.

I'd say you need a serious convo to work a way forward to consider options. If he hasn't found a job in 12months what looks different about the next 6? Or 12? What happens when your savings run out? What other options are? Other careers or just cleaning jobs could he do? While you're sacrificing your savings what's he doing? Could you downsize?

Also why aren't you married? How long has this rship lasted? And as it currently stands are you happy to continue? Because you could be being unreasonable to yourself allowing this situation to continue. He's asking to be a kept man and he needs to bring something to the table

ESH IMO.

Not Reddit here.

Exactly 💯!!

Has he got a bike? Tell him to get on it and do some work

U R JUST as SINGLE as he IS

Do U REALLY want 2 B with a window cleaner ??

There's no shame in honest work.

Once again, can I put in a plea for a "like" button?
There's so much to like in some of the above advice.
I particularly liked "cocklodger", never heard it before. So apt.
Dear OP, there's much vg advice here. Take heed.
And good luck.

That would currently be an upgrade.

What exactly is wrong with being a window cleaner anyway??

That is a totally different situation entirely, and not remotely comparable.

This partner is not on maternity leave having had a baby the married couple fully planned. This man is sitting on his hole waiting for a 'dream job' to come his way, and has frittered away all his savings doing so, and now he wants to work his way through the OP's! No way! He needs to find a means of supporting himself, and fast. And he needs to pull the finger out at home.

He's neither use nor ornament!

Not at all. The situations are wildly different...

So she should let him piss her savings away too just so that he doesn't have to work?

I don't think so!

He's neither use nor ornament!

He is now, and it has become apparent that he is just titting about in fairness, but presumably he lost his job and OP still wanted him to pay 50:50 share of the bills for the foreseeable, even though he obviously didn't have any income and when he was earning more than her he was paying more of the bills and all holidays for them both too.

I can't imagine a world where my partner was forced to eat through their savings instead of reworking the contributions and talking about ways to reduce spending etc, you're supposed to be a team, this 'I'm alright jack' attitude blows my mind, it stinks.

I don't think OP should pay now, as he must have had plenty of opportunities to get a normal job, but I think at the beginning it was comparable to that other post because whether it is maternity/illness/job loss, partners should be at least willing to share the burden of that IMO.

If you are not married, you definitely shouldn't pay for him. Could he borrow money from parents?

It was a matter for both of them to sit down and negotiate their way through and they clearly didn't. Maybe he just kept spending as if he was earning? Maybe she didn't think he'd still be sitting on his useless hole doing nothing a year down the line?

The onus was on him, as the OP states that he has refused to talk about finances up until now. He should have reined in his spending from the outset and she should have supported him. Now he's blew the lot and thinks he can live off his DP.

Good job they're not married. I don't think being tied to someone so financially incontinent and irresponsible, as well as useless in the home, is a great idea tbh.

Window cleaner, delivery person — who cares? I’m not a snob about people’s work.

There’s also no shame in typing real words and not over using capital letters. You may be expecting too much of that poster 😂

I was trying to be kind! 😂

He wouldn't be entitled to UC because the OP is probably earning too much money, but he should have been claiming New Style JSA as soon as he lost his job.

A partner is someone who shares responsibilities with you. I'm sorry, this man is not a good partner. Hard times can really have a way of showing you people's true colours. You deserve better! 💐

I paid the mortgage etc for 5 years whilst my partner was 'looking for a job' she being made redundant. He wouldn't take just anything and it caused huge resentment. The day he got thrown off starting a fully funded pgce place he applied for because he failed to secure an observation fortnight placement with a primary school (he couldn't be bothered) was last straw. I left an 11 year relationship as knew I'd be carrying him for life. Hurt like hell as he was a lovely bloke in so many ways but I'd given him so many chances. In end it was about respect.