Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

No, No and NO! Your money Is YOUR MONEY and his money is his. You SHARE bills, rent whatever but red flag for him (non husband and all!)

Wanting to invade your private cache!! Youbare 10000% right to feel the way you do OP, thats very rich coming from him especially since you say there was no "our money" when he was earning his wad!!

Your post tells me you already know this is so cheeky and rude of him but i guess you love this man, hence the questioning yourself and this post to see who is being unreasonable but you already know - He was extremely out of order/unreasonable to even begin to suggest or expect that from you OP, its already been a year!! How many more is he asking you to single handedly manage?

This is a listen to your head, not your heart situation and only you know how much of this you can manage/take. At this point, your DP shouldnt be being fussy about the type of Job - to continue your lifestyle, take ANY JOB and continue looking around for his preferred Job while he is working and pulling his weight financially in the meantime.

Be smart Op and dont allow him being out of work for too much longer because it reallllly is impossible for only one hand to clap and you did not get into this relationship to end up worse than you were when you started it. You've got this, if you follow your head 👌

This is an everyone sucks here situation.

What do you expect him to do if you won't "fund your lifestyle"? Eat steak in front of him whilst he makes himself beans on toast? Visit him in a box under the bridge and lend him a blanket if you're feeling generous?

He sucks for not sharing when he earned more.

I think you need to sit down and talk about how your finances work going forwards, on the basis that you're supposed to be a team, not two separate people doing your own thing with your money whilst not caring if the other is going without.

Both DH and I have lost our jobs in our relationship and the other has never just been left destitute because it's "my" money or "his" money.

So you were happy for him to pay a third more than you for however long while, paid for holidays, you increased that savings pot, but now after 12 months of him largely being self-funded, you don't want to pull some extra financial weight?

I don't know how long you've been together, if you have kids etc, but you referenced him as your husband; you feel all but married, barring the piece of paper to me.

I never understand that couples who are married/ or living together with kids etc keep separate finances; how can it ever be 50/50 - one side of the party typically earns a disproportionate amount to the other, given that 85% of women leave full time work within 3 years of having a child this suggests that the bulk of the financial burden falls on the man. And there is nothing wrong with that; most men are happy with that deal. 50/50 wouldn't work. 'okay love, I'm taking the kids on holiday, sad that you couldn't afford to pay for your half of the trip, dont forget if you have the heating on, pop a pound in the meter, also I pay for the car so can you just walk or get a taxi everywhere'

Now, I'm fully on your side with a tidy house and meals cooked, etc - I'd be miffed if the other half didn't work, and then I came home to a messy house, etc. 100% pull him up on this.

If it was me, I would kick him out simple it should be share and share like obviously he didn’t share his when he had it so what goes around comes around

It's Christmas, I don't know what your guy did, but I'm pretty certain there are seasonal jobs out there. Supermarkets need shelf stackers or delivery drivers. Warehouses need extra hands. I'm sure he'd find something. When there are big gaps in employment, it's not unusual to be asked why someone hasn't done anything at all during that time. It looks much better all round if an individual has made an effort.

Expand please.

@Monty27 Cleaning is a skilled job there are plenty of people with cleaning skill that needs jobs. Why would someone employee him to do that when before he was in a high paid job and still looking for one. I know a pub that employed a over qualified bar job and he decided that cleaning up was below him and was only doing drinks. This is why employers don't want these overqualified people.

No.

You could argue these savings are from him paying in 1/3rd more, and for holidays, by the OP's own admission, it's not been 50/50 along the way.

Reading more of this thread, you know what it's like when you don't catch them at the beginning, always playing catch up; l'm a little shocked at the whole attitude to money and relationships, especially from people that have been married for so long.

For me, you're either all in or not at all, especially once married/kids

I've seen a lot on Mumsnet over the years, but a man who chooses not to work for a year and does no housework so basically does fuck-all, while you work FULL-TIME and do ALL THE HOUSEWORK, and he wants to live off your savings - and now he’s suggesting that YOU get a second job??? 😫
For the love of all things holy OP - get the fuck out of this fucked-up "relationship" and please spend some time building up your sense of self-worth & self-esteem so that you don't fall under the spell of another bullying cock-lodger!! Wishing you well x

Could he get a job in Aldi or Lidl? Serious question. They pay well. As you are not married I would say you absolutely do not give him a penny of savings. He either gets a job any job and works loads of hours to pay his share or he leaves. If he isn't doing housework he sounds lazy.

First off you don't sound well suited tbh secondly
Finances should be shared in a partnership
I would suggest you tell him to apply to even part time work for now or sign onto universal credit

Don't worry, it takes ages to learn te group shorthand !

Has it not occurred to him that it will be easier for him to get the job he wants if he's already in work? How does he plan to justify to employers how he's spent the year unemployed? And he's not keen on housework, so what's he been doing with his time?!

The issue is the no housework. I can't really believe men think they dont have responsibilities like this. He's not a good partner and even if he gets another job he will always be lazy. This will only get worse.

I don’t think OP is coming back… she’s loves this cocklodger 🤣

An unmarried woman’s savings are her safety net in this cruel world.. we are all just a couple of paychecks away from homelessness and the need to rely on benefits.. unless you’re OPs DP of course, you’ve got a woman’s savings to sponge off!

Why is this guy not getting job seekers allowance and support?? If he’d been such a high flyers, he’d know that such a long gap in employment is frowned on.

well OP, if you do come back, think about what you’ll say to your family and friends when you start asking them for money because your savings have vanished, and the second job YOU took on, to fund the cocklodger leaves you exhausted and with no time to yourself to do all the housework!

You should add up everything. For clarity if nothing else.
It sounds like he contributed when he was working, and he's made an effort to cut his spending, so its a delicate negotiation. But you have been contributing much more since he's been out of work.
So you have already been subsidising/lending him money for the last year, which would otherwise have presumably gone into your savings/pension which is very important whether you are married or not, but you do need to have an eye to your future. Its good to know the sum if there's a suggestion that you have been ungenerous. You've already been generous on both fronts.. so now what is he prepared to do to change? Its not just about money. You've also been doing all the work to allow him to apply for jobs. But he can't afford a free housekeeper, cook, valet, personal assistant anymore.
Get a spread sheet and work out how much you've subsidised estimated outgoings on food/rent/bills/petrol. then work out on a monthly basis how much you will be paying in 2025 - with a cumulative total under each month...
I say this NOT to put pressure on him and NOT to point score because he's probably frantic and gambling that something will turn up soon, but the longer he's out,the harder it will be.
He needs to see in black and white how much you have spent and how much you are likely to have to spend if time goes on, before he casually gets you to write a cheque. Again, this is not to make him feel bad, but for you to be informed yourself of what's being asked and how this will be sorted out in the future.
Also what would the plan be if you were suddenly out of work, but had no savings left.

You have a few knots to untangle.

1. your financial situation and 2025
2. his lack of any effort in the house and leaving the full burden to fall on you - he needs to step up now and you need to divide up the chores fairly, so you don't have to ask. You need to know that he will continue to go halves when he's back at work. 3) his job search- whatever he's doing currently is not working. Yes, he's had interviews.. He needs a complete rethink given the amount of time its taking. See a job coach. Go through his old contacts and ask them if they know of anything. Get recommendations from previous employers. Speculative applications to companies he knows he has the skills for, Voluntary work in his field, which at least shows he's busy. A paid part time job ( because some job applications can take forever and you need to be quick off the mark to stand a chance) Lower grade jobs in his field with a view to applying for internal positions? Are his skills translatable to other sectors? There must be places that can help him draw up some kind of plan and review and re present his CV. But employers will want to know what he's been doing in a one year gap,so he needs to find something constructive to put.
3. and finally for you to consider what you want for the future.

"Finances should be shared in a partnership" -according to you. People should be able to define the "should"s in their partnership, particularly as they're not even married. OP's man doesn't seem to think he "should" do housework or contribute anything at all. He didn't take a shared attitude towards money when he had it do it seems a little convenient that he's doing it now

Male perspective here - I supported my partner, later my wife, for years while she didn't have a job. Later I physically cared for her when she became ill and died of cancer, making me a single parent. "For richer for poorer, in sickness and in health" - these things really matter if you have kids. Assuming you are going to stay together you need to use the money you have... and yes he needs a kick up the backside if he's not doing anything while he's not working

He's not her husband though, he's her boyfriend, they don't have kids, he doesn't have cancer, he doesn't do any housework and he hasn't tried hard enough to get a job. There's absolutely no reason why he couldn't pull pints or stack shelves whilst waiting for the perfect job offer to come along.

All of this plus they have never previously shared finances - he has always kept his money separate. But now expects OP to pony up her life savings to support him whilst he sits around for an indeterminate amount of time, waiting for his perfect job to appear.

I'm making the point that you need commitment if you're going to have kids. If they don't have any then yes things are different

I'd say he needs a job first before getting into having children.

I’d love to see the MN answers if this post was the other way around and a guy felt like this. It would be full of outraged posts saying she should leave him immediately and how could he be so insensitive. You are living together and in a partnership - try looking up the definition of the word online. He should be pulling his weight (not everyone can do so equally in terms of finances) but I think your relationship must be pretty poor - I couldn’t think this way about some I loved and wanted to spend my life with.