Why is my money his money?

[Autumntrees1234]

So DH lost his job about a year ago and despite loads of applications hasn't got anything yet. He has been using savings to pay his share of our expenses but his savings have run out. Today ( refused to talk to me about it before) he talked to me about this and asked if I will pay for everything, rent and bills, from January whilst he tries to get work. I'm not keen at all, possibly can manage it but it will be a stretch. But what really irritated me was he asked me about some money I have in a ninety day notice account and to organise moving it because it will come in useful. I just looked at him in complete disbelief. It's savings that I have worked really hard for and I'm absolutely not using it. It's almost like an instinctive thing, first of all I think of it as my money where as DH refers to all money as "our money." Secondly I can't remember the concept of "our money" applying when he was earning tonnes. We have always had separate accounts. It was just the presumption in his voice that really triggered me. I may consider lending him some money on the understanding I get it back ( he won't be keen) but he just seems to think I'm happily going to fund our entire lifestyle without a murmur of protest. Am I being unreasonable to want to keep my savings to myself?

* after being made redundant

Well said… 10 months of bing pregnant with their child is exhausting enough. Follow that by 24 hour round the clock care seven days a week and that is not labour? Interesting how before giving birth it is called ‘going into labour’… the difference is it is unpaid hard work.
partners who earn significantly more and yet split bills 50% IMO are being unfair, yet many will argue against this view point.

Don’t go into your savings. Don’t do it. You’re not married. Even if you were married, going into the savings is a last resort.

how could he not have found anything in a year!!!? He’s not trying hard enough or his ego is too big.

My DH left a job over the summer, with nothing to walk into. He picked up minor jobs to pay the bills and fund his job search. Your partner is unreasonable to ask you to fund his “casual” current lifestyle of year long unemployment.

Your fella needs to take responsibility… no offence, but seems he was a big earner before, so there are thousands of jobs he can walk into… he should actually be ashamed of himself for allowing his ego to put him in a position that he’s happy to ponce off you.. Not a real “man” in my opinion.. (or real “woman” if DP were female… adding that in before I get accused of being sexist).

Urgh.. quite annoyed by the OPs DP. Man or woman, year long unemployment when you’re someone who earned “tonnes” before, so very employable, and then being happy to take someone else’s money, is just pathetic, I’m tempted to say LTB 😆

You’re missing the inference made by OP that this DP of theirs is actually very employable. He’s earned “tonnes” before.. So him not find any job whatsoever in a year is not reasonable.

OP, why does this person not ask family for a loan? You’re not married, you don’t owe him anything. Do you have kids??

I’m sorry OP but there are jobs out there and he should be taking anything in opposed to holding out for the unicorn job he thinks is coming. What a fucking joke. A year?!?!? He needs to get his arse into a job now and start contributing. No way would I break into your 90 day access savings, I wouldn’t even be doing that if I were married. What a bloody cheek. And I certainly wouldn’t be letting him borrow it either.

His job is not organising nor spending your money OP.

He needs to get a job within 8 weeks - there's a UK labour shortage!

I can see it from his point of view. When he earned more he paid more and you were then able to save money into a savings account. Then when he earned zero, he paid 50/50 and used up all his savings. That money paid for both of you. Now he is asking you to do the same. If you were married I would say you should. But because you're not married you do need the safety net that you've built up and he should have got a job before this crunch point. The deal breaker for me is that a year is too long. He could have taken a less preferred job while he's still applying for ideal job, he didn't and this is why he is broke. He needs to get a job, any job and not make this your problem.

Not sure if have misunderstood but is there a suggestion that you take an EXTRA job in this?
in which case - here’s the door you CF!
There are lots of jobs around in retail even if only for Christmas period, suggests he has a little self respect and bags himself one of these rather than sitting on his arse sponging off you.
Am all in favour of and have supported partner in short term of being out of work but not for a year and not whilst also doing all of the housework. You’re his partner not his parent.

I haven't read the 18 pages of chat here. But i would say if you see any future with him then you just need to suck it up and help him out, but on the proviso that he picks up a standard job, even if it's just working part time at Dominoes and enters into a 0% interest loan with you to pay back.

The fact he has managed to live off his savings for his year suggests he is sensible with money and maybe that parachute has not motivated him enough.

If you don't see marriage in the future, then what's the point in continuing?

I wasn't married when my partner went off for a year. I was left to support her and pay all the bills which really stretched me but i did it because I love her.

On the point about housework. What is it about partners that expect the other to do all the chores? Why is he not doing chores and why are you allowing him to get away with it. Its just so disrespectful. Personally thats a red flag and would be enough for me to walk away.

@Autumntrees1234 I can tell you now that Iceland are recruiting for Home Delivery Drivers.

If he has a driving licence, no more than 3 points and is flexible in working hours, he’s likely to get taken on.

If you were to divorce the White v White sharing principle would apply (assuming it is more than a short marriage) and he would be entitled to 50% of ALL marital assets including your savings. That's the law on divorce. How you live your life whilst married is your own choice and from the sounds of it H wasn't particularly generous with his earnings when times were good.

@legal2 I hope you’re not actually a lawyer. Your comprehension skills are very poor.

I think your voting will be massively off so you’ll need to ignore it. I voted YABU in that you said you were a married unit (didn’t clarify kids) and you didn’t mention he does no housework. If you had said you aren’t married, you have no kids together, no mortgage and he does absolutely nothing round the house, then I would have voted YANBU.
You need to lay down the law and give him a massive kick up the arse or you leave this relationship

Seems a very unequal relationship to me. What is he contributing? What has he contributed in the past? It appears that he wants you to use your savings so that he can remain off work and doing little for another amount of time. The longer he is out of work the harder it is to get a job. If you make things too comfortable for him he will want to continue for as long as he possibly can as things are - so dont facilite this. Say no to using your savings to live off. Redefine boundaries in your home whereby if you are the breadwinner then he is the home keeper and does the housework. Otherwise how is it fair and in what way is he supporting you and contributing anything?

Also I know police officers of higher rank, detective inspector level who when retire (usually early fifties) take on a role such as supermarket deliveries, they do not think it’s beneath them at all, they’re used to working long unsociable shifts and just get on with it. Driving a van and handing over shopping, it’s easy money and loads of jobs to go round this time of year.

This happened to me this year. We used to pay 50/50 when he was earning too. But then he ended being out of work for 8mnths ..he was also "looking for work" but he was being unreasonably picky about getting a job/what kind of job, refused to work for minimum wage etc ..every excuse you could think of ..when he realised I had no savings left and couldn't keep him any longer, he ended up signing with numerous agencies and unhappily getting a job that way as he had no choice and no more money.
I absolutely regret using my savings which took me a long time and hard work so I had some kind of fallback.
He's definitely being unreasonable if he's still expecting you to continue to lay and use your savings

Absolutely this, I have lots of retired professionals working for me as exam invigilators, and one is a retired detective sergeant used to heading murder enquiries at the Met! He also works in a garage on the tills and used to taxi children to and from school before he came to work with me, not because he needs to but because he likes being busy. I can't comprehend sitting on my arse at home for a year. I have a second income from boarding dogs in my home in school holidays and at weekends - there's always something you can do and surely self-respect means that you get out there and earn something.

In that case, do not call him DH, he isn't and all the protections and assumptions round finances in marriage do not apply to you.
It's your money. Do with it as you please, he is not entitled to a penny of it.
On the bright side, you can leave this charming partner with no strings. I would if I were you, because he seems to think living together = my money's mine, and hers is ours. There are words for him. Mostly rude (all rude, actually).

why does it matter what the job is?
Very judgemental
I value all my friends, family and colleagues, irrespective of what job they do!

When I was made redundant years ago, I did agency work. The unemployment office advised me against it saying that one shift would exceed amount allowed and then application for unemployment would have to be redone. I chose to take agency work and did not receive unemployment payments because I decided that the longer a fit and able person is unemployed the harder it will become to find employment. Employers will want to know why no type of paid work was done - unless there are legitimate reasons eg ill health, carer duties and so on.
Agency work was not as well paid as full time because it was not secure, but it resulted in finding other work very quickly.

I agree with you that’s your money. I’m married been with husband 21 years and only ever done 50/50 bills and I carried him for 4 years when he couldn’t get a job. I to this day take the larger financial load with kids and Christmas/ birthdays and so on. I wouldn’t touch my savings for him and I wouldn’t ask him for a penny. Some marriages share everything we never have and never will what’s mine is mine what’s his is his and in 21 years I’ve not even asked him for as much as a £5. Even on maternity leave and him earning a fortune I still had to meet my half. Some men are utterly selfish twats and yours sounds like he’d happily sit and spend your savings. Not a chance tell him to take any job.

I use the 'thanks' button.

I take it to mean 'thanks for typing what I was thinking'.

You are a couple? Surely you support each other when times are rough? Would you expect him to support you if it was the other way?

See I’m married with him 21 years my money is mine his is his. He’s extremely selfish so I wouldn’t expect a thing from him I’d work things out myself. He has no idea what I earn what savings I’ve got nothing. I have an idea what he earns that’s it. Some couple are very seperate financially unfortunately. We do 50/50 to the penny.