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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

302 replies

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:28

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

OP posts:
WhichEllie · 02/12/2024 23:33

You’ve posted this before haven’t you? Asking why he’s attracted to someone that looks different from you? You got a lot of good feedback in that thread.

If she’s now being distant and professional with him then that seems like the ideal outcome for you. She is making it clear that she’s not interested.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 02/12/2024 23:35

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. The young woman concerned may or may not have been a threat to your marriage, but your DH, clearly had his head turned by her, and making comments about her dress etc., is totally out of order these days, and could have got him into a lot of trouble, so I think pointing it out was a wise thing, and also showed him that you're watching.

DaftyLass · 02/12/2024 23:35

Is this something you have posted about before, it feel familiar?
He may just find her engaging, with out it being nefarious, but only you know what he is like.

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 02/12/2024 23:38

I don't think YOU are doing anything to make her feel awkward - HE is! Honestly, I would be so creeped out by an older man making comments on my clothes and body (the dress comment gave me the serious ick!). It comes across as if you are blaming another woman for your husband's behaviour tbh.

Drpeppered · 02/12/2024 23:48

A boss commenting on their employees dress and saying “that’s tiny how do you fit in that” is sexual harassment

NestaArcheron · 02/12/2024 23:48

but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. -

You said what ?? She isn't the problem - he is!!! Young women make accusations against men because of the sheer amount they are stared at, harassed and assaulted by men in the workplace and everywhere else. Your husband is a sleaze. He needs to be careful because he's bloody married. Stop petting him in public like he's some kind of prize, you may as well have wee'd all over him to mark your territory. Tell him he's gross and to be more bloody professional, and leave out the misogyny.

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:55

WhichEllie · 02/12/2024 23:33

You’ve posted this before haven’t you? Asking why he’s attracted to someone that looks different from you? You got a lot of good feedback in that thread.

If she’s now being distant and professional with him then that seems like the ideal outcome for you. She is making it clear that she’s not interested.

No I did have a word with DH and told him to be careful and to be less friendly....I did paste some of my old thread but I added the telling off bit at the end

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:57

DaftyLass · 02/12/2024 23:35

Is this something you have posted about before, it feel familiar?
He may just find her engaging, with out it being nefarious, but only you know what he is like.

Last time I hadn't confronted him about it, this time I did, but never mentioned fancying or a crush, I just told him to mind his behaviour as young women can make false allegations and he needs to be careful

OP posts:
Mistletones · 02/12/2024 23:57

I’ve said YABU for this

because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men

it wouldn’t be a false accusation
shes a young woman with a 50 year old boss who is staring at her, flirting with her and making inappropriate comments about her clothes. She was chatty to him when he was chatty to her, maybe she felt she had to be since it’s her boss. He’s stopped and she’s stopped. Maybe she’s relieved.

Foxblue · 02/12/2024 23:58

Came on to say this - your first concern should be that he's sexually harassing someone and could get into legal trouble, tbh???

TheaBrandt · 02/12/2024 23:59

Poor her having some old man leering at her
and then the man’s wife anticipating she will
make a “false claim” 🙄

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

Drpeppered · 02/12/2024 23:48

A boss commenting on their employees dress and saying “that’s tiny how do you fit in that” is sexual harassment

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

OP posts:
andthat · 03/12/2024 00:00

NestaArcheron · 02/12/2024 23:48

but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. -

You said what ?? She isn't the problem - he is!!! Young women make accusations against men because of the sheer amount they are stared at, harassed and assaulted by men in the workplace and everywhere else. Your husband is a sleaze. He needs to be careful because he's bloody married. Stop petting him in public like he's some kind of prize, you may as well have wee'd all over him to mark your territory. Tell him he's gross and to be more bloody professional, and leave out the misogyny.

All of this.

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:01

Mistletones · 02/12/2024 23:57

I’ve said YABU for this

because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men

it wouldn’t be a false accusation
shes a young woman with a 50 year old boss who is staring at her, flirting with her and making inappropriate comments about her clothes. She was chatty to him when he was chatty to her, maybe she felt she had to be since it’s her boss. He’s stopped and she’s stopped. Maybe she’s relieved.

I meant false accusations in the sense o her fabricating something that never happened. He hasn't made any overt sexual remarks or done anything untoward.

OP posts:
Jostuki · 03/12/2024 00:01

WhichEllie · 02/12/2024 23:33

You’ve posted this before haven’t you? Asking why he’s attracted to someone that looks different from you? You got a lot of good feedback in that thread.

If she’s now being distant and professional with him then that seems like the ideal outcome for you. She is making it clear that she’s not interested.

I knew I had read all that before!

womenarehuman · 03/12/2024 00:01

Your husband shouldn't be harassing Lara or anyone else, and what she looks like and whether or not her professional work can objectively be described as "inane chat" are irrelevant. Come on, if you're married to a misogynist you know it.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 03/12/2024 00:04

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:57

Last time I hadn't confronted him about it, this time I did, but never mentioned fancying or a crush, I just told him to mind his behaviour as young women can make false allegations and he needs to be careful

It wouldn't be false though, would it? Your husband is a disgusting pig, and he needs to stop making sexually inappropriate comments to young women at work.

ArtfulBee · 03/12/2024 00:04

The dress comment is way over the line but what's wrong with looking at someone's face when you're speaking to them?

JMSA · 03/12/2024 00:04

Your husband is a creep and yet you seem to be blaming her.

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:06

ArtfulBee · 03/12/2024 00:04

The dress comment is way over the line but what's wrong with looking at someone's face when you're speaking to them?

He was staring at her with his eyes out on stalks

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:07

Bumblebeestiltskin · 03/12/2024 00:04

It wouldn't be false though, would it? Your husband is a disgusting pig, and he needs to stop making sexually inappropriate comments to young women at work.

The thing about my husband is that he's socially awkward and a bit eccentric. He sometimes doesn't think how his behaviour will be interpreted. That's not to say he's right though

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 03/12/2024 00:10

I think the only thing that would make her feel awkward is her sleazy older boss who makes commenta about the tightness of her clothes and stares at her. It doesn't sound like she would need to falsify any accusations if he is acting like that. Completely inappropriate and nothing to do with age, I have worked with men who have retired who have never made any comments like that because they know its wrong

whathaveiforgotten · 03/12/2024 00:17

He hasn't made any overt sexual remarks or done anything untoward.

You don't think the below is 'untoward' from a boss to a 20 something employee?

He was staring at her with eyes out on stalks.

You don't think she noticed that?

Unbelievable that you can say both those statements and not see the conflict in them.

Anotherparkingthread · 03/12/2024 00:22

womenarehuman · 03/12/2024 00:01

Your husband shouldn't be harassing Lara or anyone else, and what she looks like and whether or not her professional work can objectively be described as "inane chat" are irrelevant. Come on, if you're married to a misogynist you know it.

I don't think op's husband is harassing Lara and I don't think her husband is the misogynist here.

Op suggests Lara would make false allegations against husband, calls a woman in her 30s a kid, insisted her husband change who he talks to and how he talks to them which is very controlling, and also said she placed her arm around DH and stroked him in front of Lara to send a message.

If a man said any of this he would be called abusive, controlling etc.

InWalksBarberalla · 03/12/2024 00:26

I feel sorry for Lara, she's in a new role. Her boss makes comments on her dress. Her boss's wife grasps him and strokes his arm whilst giving clear 'keep off' vibes. And now her boss is ignoring her in the workplace. Seriously so unprofessional.

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