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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

302 replies

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:28

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

OP posts:
ByBusyTiger · 03/12/2024 11:56

Could never live like this. You have to tell your man to be decent, even drooling over the woman in your presence, hell no. This is weird to me

Anotherworrier · 03/12/2024 11:57

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

My boyfriend saw it that way when I read that out to him. He said it was disgusting and inappropriate- because, ya know, it is.

NewDaye · 03/12/2024 12:00

ByBusyTiger · 03/12/2024 11:56

Could never live like this. You have to tell your man to be decent, even drooling over the woman in your presence, hell no. This is weird to me

It’s even worse that that. He’s drooling over young female employees where he owns the company, in front of his wife who he obviously doesn’t care about. Lawsuit waiting to happen.

ByBusyTiger · 03/12/2024 12:02

sunflowersngunpowdr · 03/12/2024 10:20

To the insane on here who are labelling the husband a sexual predator ... she was obviously responsive as the OP says her constant chatty messages have changed in tone since he has been keeping his distance. So she's hardly some innocent young girl being taken advantage of is she? That said, if you have to exert this much effort in to controlling your husband's behaviour, your marriage is in trouble OP.

There’s a massive power difference here. She is on best behaviour for obvious reasons.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 03/12/2024 12:05

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

I'm in my fifties and I would see it that way! Your h is a sleaze!

yeesh · 03/12/2024 12:12

Your husband is a creepy perv and you don’t sound much better. Horrible way to victim blame

Whammyammy · 03/12/2024 12:47

Your husband fancies her. End of.

pinkyredrose · 03/12/2024 12:53

Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

And this is relevant how?

NewDaye · 03/12/2024 13:19

pinkyredrose · 03/12/2024 12:53

Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

And this is relevant how?

OP wants people to say to her that she sounds more attractive perhaps? Whereas Lara sounds quite conventionally attractive

Bumblebeestiltskin · 03/12/2024 13:49

sunflowersngunpowdr · 03/12/2024 10:20

To the insane on here who are labelling the husband a sexual predator ... she was obviously responsive as the OP says her constant chatty messages have changed in tone since he has been keeping his distance. So she's hardly some innocent young girl being taken advantage of is she? That said, if you have to exert this much effort in to controlling your husband's behaviour, your marriage is in trouble OP.

Your middle aged man misogyny is showing.

Dweetfidilove · 03/12/2024 13:57

Your husband is commenting in her clothing, staring at her (face luckily 😒) and taking a keen interest in her and you're worried she'll make a false accusation 🤔?

Just keep stroking his arm and encouraging him to give the young woman some space. FGS 😔

NewDaye · 03/12/2024 15:23

@sunflowersngunpowdr he’s her boss? She probably felt scared to say anything that would piss him off as it puts her livelihood on the line. Stop acting like there isn’t a horrid power dynamic at play here. That’s the basis of sexual harassment at the workplace. They’re not randoms on the street.

SallyWD · 03/12/2024 15:47

NewDaye · 03/12/2024 13:19

OP wants people to say to her that she sounds more attractive perhaps? Whereas Lara sounds quite conventionally attractive

OP seems to be amazed that her husband could fancy someone who looks different to her. She mentioned this several times in her last thread, comparing their body types, the fact that OP has bigger breasts than Lara etc.
I pointed out that people can fancy all sorts of different people. I myself have been attracted to blonde haired men, brunettes, white men, black men, Asian men, slim men, muscular men etc. But OP is very fixated on the physical differences between her and Lara.

Babbahabba · 03/12/2024 16:04

This all sounds extremely familiar- including the bit about you putting your arm around him & her looking completely different to you.

NewDaye · 03/12/2024 16:08

SallyWD · 03/12/2024 15:47

OP seems to be amazed that her husband could fancy someone who looks different to her. She mentioned this several times in her last thread, comparing their body types, the fact that OP has bigger breasts than Lara etc.
I pointed out that people can fancy all sorts of different people. I myself have been attracted to blonde haired men, brunettes, white men, black men, Asian men, slim men, muscular men etc. But OP is very fixated on the physical differences between her and Lara.

Ew, so not only has this poor woman got to deal with her boss leering at her breasts, but the bosses wife noting her bra size too? Whilst he openly flirts with her in front of his wife?

She must think these two are a right pair of creeps!

Newsflash @kinsey681 young women don’t find middle aged men attractive, especially not creepy men like this who clearly couldn’t care less about their wives. She probably pities you whilst you’re envisioning her tits.

Babbahabba · 03/12/2024 16:09

I see you've acknowledged it's your second thread. Feel sorry for the young woman. Bet she can't wait to finish her internship.

ForDandyPombear · 03/12/2024 16:17

I've worked in a husband and wife owned practice, also around 50 years of age and we'd have a stream of young, often quite attractive women trainees, 18 to 24 year olds or beautiful clients and the husband boss would go googoo eyed at them, clumsily drops things around them, inappropriate compliments and awkward jokes. He would sway between being a clown entertainer to a mumbling love-stricken teenager as if he's never seen someone this beautiful before (and they weren't necessary top model types, he would just look and treat them as such, until the next object of his affection is there). He was doing this with lots of women and regardless of who is around. He was using 'transparency' as a cover, that he couldn't possibly mean anything serious with his comments because he's doing this in front of others so it's ok it's just his personality and who he is, harmless friendly banter' kind of crap that makes abuse and harassment go unchecked. Everyone pretended not to notice his behaviour and the wife boss would sometimes get snippy at the pretty girl her husband's been noticing.

Initially when I read your 'young women these days' excuse to your husband I thought it was to give him a way out while saving face for both of you, as it doesn't look good on you being with him when you know he flirts with women half his age at the same place of work that you also own. You're effectively Lara's co-boss. However when you replied to someone later it sounds like you genuinely believe this. Tanaka Burke, the woman who started the Me Too movement is now 51.

Your husband is a sleaze, whether Lara was flirting back or not is immaterial. Your problem is your husband from a marriage, work and finances point of view because even if she was initially interested in an affair with him and it was consensual, it can still be regarded as sexual harassment because of the power imbalance. Someone else could report his behaviour with Lara as well.

Don't runaway, come back and update us how it goes. I'm sure many can relate to you or Lara.. it'd be interesting to see how it all ends. Good luck!

itsmylife7 · 03/12/2024 16:22

Why were you cuddling him and stroking his arm, was that to warn her off.

Your 50year old husband is the issue perving over a young women and her clothes.

NestaArcheron · 03/12/2024 18:38

Does my husband have a crush on this younger woman? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5199572-does-my-husband-have-a-crush-on-this-younger-woman?msgid=-5199572#-5199572

Link to previous very recent thread on the same woman - and it's also horrid.

JWhipple · 03/12/2024 19:54

username358 · 03/12/2024 00:31

You're reading your husband's emails and phone messages? Does he have any privacy at all?

You obviously don't trust him and I doubt this will end when Laura leaves.

Not with all these giggly young flibbertigibberts hell bent on making goo goo eyes at OPs hubbie! They'll stop at nothing to cause their mischief! They have no qualms slandering him by stating things he's actually done! Good job OP is vigilant in protecting her poor innocent DH!

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 20:20

JockTamsonsBairns · 03/12/2024 00:41

Lara is a young woman, new in the role.
Your husband has passed comment on the tightness of her dress, and his eyes are on stalks when he speaks to her. He is circa 30 years her senior.

Your concern is that she may make "false allegations"?

My husband has stared and made awkward comments, but he has never do anything more - he's only in the office a handful of times, and he's never been alone with this woman.

While I don't like my husband's behaviour here (do you think I enjoy him eyeing a woman who's 20 years younger than me, looks nothing like me), there is a difference between what he's done and actually coming onto someone or making overtly suggestive remarks.

OP posts:
Shiningout · 03/12/2024 20:22

Op you're confusing the heck out of me, your husband's behaviour towards this woman is making YOU uncomfortable, to the point you've posted multiple times about it on here. And yet you can't see why she would feel uncomfortable?? And saying it isn't harassment?? While on the other hand saying he stares at her and makes inappropriate comments about her dress.

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 20:23

Prettydisgustingactually · 03/12/2024 04:20

Why are you posting this exact same scenario again. Posted a couple of weeks ago, weird!

It isn't the same. This time I confronted him

OP posts:
kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 20:39

SallyWD · 03/12/2024 07:14

When did you find out about the tight dress comment? And how? You didn't mention this in your last thread.

Another one of our employees mentioned it in passing, they thought it was odd. What he actually said was this.
The girl had had a new dress ordered to the office (employees can get parcels ordered to the office, we don't mind), and she opened it. DH saw it and said, 'oh that's tiny, only you could fit into that!'

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 04/12/2024 01:29

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 20:39

Another one of our employees mentioned it in passing, they thought it was odd. What he actually said was this.
The girl had had a new dress ordered to the office (employees can get parcels ordered to the office, we don't mind), and she opened it. DH saw it and said, 'oh that's tiny, only you could fit into that!'

So, your DH thinks it's ok to pass comment on a junior (female's) body shape?
Another colleague has raised it as being "odd".
You are clocking the size of her breasts in comparison to yours and, by your own admission, your DHs eyes are on stalks when he looks at her?

And you're worried about false allegations?

Women, welcome to the workplace in 2024.