AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

[kinsey681]

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

He’s totally overstepping the mark here! I’m same age as you and find it inappropriate so not just young women, good old victim blaming that idhe might make false allegations, they’re not false though!

Last time I hadn't confronted him about it, this time I did, but never mentioned fancying or a crush, I just told him to mind his behaviour as young women can make false allegations and he needs to be careful

Sure, best not to confront him but instead throw out there that she would be the one who is unreasonable by rightly complaining about him being a lecherous perv.

Poor, poor Lara. So, now not only does she have to contend with a lecherous old perv as a boss, but also his wife who thinks the answer is throwing women under the bus so as not to confront her poor DH. That girl must be counting down the days.

Give your head a bloody big wobble.

So GW isn't the only one then.come on OP you know this is wrong. Your DH is openly gazing and making inappropriate comments! Hopefully he will rein it in.many men are attracted to younger women,but don't openly show it!

Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Are you taking some sort of creative writing class?

I'm confused by the whole thing.

Your DH keeps staring at and commenting on some poor young woman and apparently he's the one who has to be afraid of her?

I can't imagine my DH being such a creep who so obviously stares at people and makes sexual comments that I'd have to explicitly instruct him not to look at or talk with someone.

Maybe you could buy him some blinkers for when he walks down the street.

many men are attracted to younger women but don't openly show it!

Exactly. Because they don’t want to a) make themselves look like a dickhead, and b) make a young woman uncomfortable.

Here’s the scenario using my DH and male friends as examples. We will be somewhere and 2m in front of us is an absolutely stunning 6 foot tall young lady who could rival any top model.
Me: ‘oh, look at her, isn’t she absolutely stunning’
DH/male friends: while looking the other way into the distance ‘who, where, I don’t know’.
Me: ‘just there, right in front of us, wow I wonder if she’s a model, she should be’.
DH/male friends: ‘uhhm, I hadn’t noticed her, I don’t know, I guess, maybe’.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Of course they had noticed her from the get go, but I find they will actually go right of their way NOT to stare to the point of idiocy. Someone could be on fire next to the girl and they wouldn’t raise an eyebrow because ‘they are not looking in that direction’. Quite hilarious.

Go the whole hog and wee on him, OP. That'll sort it.

It's actually the law that sees it that way.

I'm not a young woman, and I would find his behaviour and comments lecherous , unwelcome and uncomfortable. She doesn't need to make anything up, she could simply repeat what you have said on here - even worst when he owns the company. He needs to reign it in. Honestly it sounds like you and your husband are cut from the same cloth - neither of you see the issue with the way he is behaving, and if a woman does object then clearly its because 'young women make things up/overreact'. He's acting like a dirty old man. He doesn't respect the woman that he is leering at, and he clearly has no respect for you as he is comfortable doing it right in front of you - while you rub his arm and his ego and basically tell him that if he does get into trouble for acting like a dirty old man, it won't be his fault, it will be the evil woman that he targets. I wonder if you have always felt this way, or is it something that you tell yourself to avoid facing the truth. His behaviour is unacceptable - end of.

He is the one being creepy. And why would you say that younger women make false allegations? They are not false unfortunately. Sounds like she is not interested. It is the annoying thing about being that age, she no doubt has to deal with this all the time.

😂

Maybe she’s super formal now because her boss old enough to be her dad makes sexually charged comments to her at work? Sounds horrendous for her. The spilling her drink on her dress comment is so far over the line, it’s not “eccentric” it’s bang out of order. Of course it’s sexual, have you ever heard him tell a male member of staff not to spill something on their shirt? No. Because it’s a sexually motivated comment.

Poor Lara! She must be so uncomfortable. Adoring stares from your DH, death glares from you. Without going into very outing detail, I had a somewhat similar situation in my last job with my bosses (husband and wife) and it was the most awkward and embarrassing situation. All I wanted to do was do my job and go home. I was so relieved when I left.

I'm 33 and been in a fairly senior role since I was 31 so often in meetings and environments with men just like your husband. I suspect that Lara feels really uncomfortable and wishes your creepy husband would just leave her alone to do her job. 50ish year old men totally get the wrong idea if you are polite and nice and also take care of your appearance.

I’d love to hear what Lara tells her friends about the boss and his dw.

To the insane on here who are labelling the husband a sexual predator ... she was obviously responsive as the OP says her constant chatty messages have changed in tone since he has been keeping his distance. So she's hardly some innocent young girl being taken advantage of is she? That said, if you have to exert this much effort in to controlling your husband's behaviour, your marriage is in trouble OP.

It wouldn't be a false accusation.

Im Not a “young women “ and it’s bang out of order .
Your dh getting kicks out of a young females body and making her uncomfortable.

You think that’s acceptable ?

I'm late 50s and it's most definitely sexual harassment. No need for the patronizing "young women nowadays" shite.

Jeez op. Your jealousy has you not thinking straight, Lara isn’t the problem, your letch of a husband is, he’s sexually harassing the staff, and all you can think is about stroking his arm.

blimey,

Give over. This can’t be a serious post. She’s allowed to be chatty. It is perfectly normal. And she’s allowed to distance herself from the office letch.

Lech doesn’t have a t. He’s absolutely lecherous @kinsey681. And you have the audacity to blame his victim?

Yeah so if you are junior and your boss talks to you you have to be dead pan borderline rude or risk being accused of “leading on” some old perve your dads age?

Urgh young women really can’t win can they?

None of us can. Look at Gregg Wallace’s misogynistic “defence”.

This reads like a problem sent in to an agony aunt column in the 1970s. A made up one. Written by a man.

Gregggg talking about his 'sexy young wife' and not wanting her to be a 'tired mum' gave me massive ick. How does Anna bear it?