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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

302 replies

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:28

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

OP posts:
InWalksBarberalla · 04/12/2024 06:05

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 20:39

Another one of our employees mentioned it in passing, they thought it was odd. What he actually said was this.
The girl had had a new dress ordered to the office (employees can get parcels ordered to the office, we don't mind), and she opened it. DH saw it and said, 'oh that's tiny, only you could fit into that!'

Another colleague mentioned? So there are witnesses to your husband's inappropriate workplace behaviour? Yet some how Lara is to blame.

NewDaye · 04/12/2024 06:25

JockTamsonsBairns · 04/12/2024 01:29

So, your DH thinks it's ok to pass comment on a junior (female's) body shape?
Another colleague has raised it as being "odd".
You are clocking the size of her breasts in comparison to yours and, by your own admission, your DHs eyes are on stalks when he looks at her?

And you're worried about false allegations?

Women, welcome to the workplace in 2024.

How about women, welcome to the world in 2024.

it’s crazy how OP cannot see why this is inappropriate in the workplace from your boss, and thinks it would be fake sexual harassment claims.

Thevelvelletes · 04/12/2024 06:31

Sounds like op husband is living in 1974.
He really needs to learn to shut his mouth and leave the young woman get on with her work, I'll bet she can't wait to move on once her internship is over.

Soontobe60 · 04/12/2024 06:36

You’re acting like a jealous, insecure wife. Stop it, its not a good look!

BlueMum16 · 04/12/2024 06:43

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 20:39

Another one of our employees mentioned it in passing, they thought it was odd. What he actually said was this.
The girl had had a new dress ordered to the office (employees can get parcels ordered to the office, we don't mind), and she opened it. DH saw it and said, 'oh that's tiny, only you could fit into that!'

Your DH is massively in the wrong here as someone boss this could be sexual harassment, the law clarified this in October 2024.

Lara has witnesses who also felt his comments in appropriate and they've brought it to your attention.

If he owns the business do you too or do you also work there? You need this to stop because it's wrong.

GretchenWienersHair · 04/12/2024 06:47

The only part you’re being unreasonable about is this:
young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men.

False accusations are very rare. Young women “nowadays” speak out more because there is a much needed cultural shift where men aren’t getting away with their shit as much as they used to. From the way you’ve described your husband staring at her and his comments about her dress (ew 🤮), Lara wouldn’t be wrong to complain that your husband is a creep.

GretchenWienersHair · 04/12/2024 06:49

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

Now I’m RTFT, I’m in despair. Your husband is a creep, probably has been for years, and your attitude enables this culture of creepy behaviour.

“Young women nowadays” 🙄

Jifmicroliquid · 04/12/2024 06:55

You put you arm around him and stroke his arm while he’s interacting with a staff member?

You might aswell just pee all over him.

NewDaye · 04/12/2024 06:57

GretchenWienersHair · 04/12/2024 06:47

The only part you’re being unreasonable about is this:
young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men.

False accusations are very rare. Young women “nowadays” speak out more because there is a much needed cultural shift where men aren’t getting away with their shit as much as they used to. From the way you’ve described your husband staring at her and his comments about her dress (ew 🤮), Lara wouldn’t be wrong to complain that your husband is a creep.

There are no false accusations here though.

Imagine your husband committing actions that could see him taken to an employment tribunal and lose - yet OP is more concerned about the size of the woman’s breasts compared to hers. The whole company sounds like a HR nightmare, truly a lawsuit waiting to happen. The fact a male employee has raised the boss/husband’s behaviour with OP as odd, says a lot.

Another man thought this behaviour was inappropriate so it has absolutely nothing to do with “young women making false allegations about middle aged men”. There’s witnesses. Including the OP who isn’t young…OP’s version of events would totally support the victim’s account of inappropriate behaviour should she complain.

OP - I mean this gently - but is everything okay with your own mental health? You have posted about this woman a lot, I have counted 4 threads. You are completely missing the real controversy here. You’re fixated on her appearance, her private parts, her face, comparing her to celebrities, wondering what your husband sees in her over a period of months. All this poor woman did was apply for a job - she hasn’t asked for any of this.

GreyCarpet · 04/12/2024 07:03

OP, you are both guilty of sexually objectifying this young woman.

He because he desires her and you because you envy her.

As.many others have said, you blame her for your husband's inappropriate behaviour towards her. Behaviour that is so obviously inappropriate another colleague felt the need to report it to you in the mistaken belief that you would do something to protect this woman and yet you are only concerned with the fact that she looks different to you and have clearly scrunltinised her with this in mind.

I can only assume that you would be more comfortable with his crush if she more closely resembled you, which is no less odd.

I feel sorry for her. I imagine she dreads going in to work and has absolutely no idea how to handle this situation - the boss making inappropriate comments and his wife pawing at him in an attempt to mark her territory and warn her off. And no one doing a damn thing to stop it. Well, apart from the colleague who at least tried.

NewDaye · 04/12/2024 07:07

Here are all the relevant other threads:

  1. OP’s husband has a crush on the employee and OP bizarrely compares their breast sizes https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5199572-does-my-husband-have-a-crush-on-this-younger-woman
  2. another thread asking about crushes in reference to her husband and the employee, and how different the employee looks to OP https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5200225-whats-the-difference-between-finding-someone-attractive-and-a-crush
  3. Another thread asking if men marry women they don’t find attractive, in relation to the employee looking different to OP and OP being more attractive https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5200885-do-men-marry-women-they-dont-find-incredibly-attractive
  4. yet another thread, this time asking men to list their crushes in an attempt to see if people prefer OP’s appearance or the employee’s appearance https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5200931-men-who-is-your-celebrity-crush
Cosyblankets · 04/12/2024 07:11

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

Because it is

Skyrainlight · 04/12/2024 07:19

Your husband sounds creepy.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/12/2024 07:21

Cringe. Your husband is behaving like a classic midlife crisis. It sounds like Lara at least has twigged that he doesn't need any encouragement.

SallyWD · 04/12/2024 07:24

NewDaye · 04/12/2024 07:07

Here are all the relevant other threads:

  1. OP’s husband has a crush on the employee and OP bizarrely compares their breast sizes https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5199572-does-my-husband-have-a-crush-on-this-younger-woman
  2. another thread asking about crushes in reference to her husband and the employee, and how different the employee looks to OP https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5200225-whats-the-difference-between-finding-someone-attractive-and-a-crush
  3. Another thread asking if men marry women they don’t find attractive, in relation to the employee looking different to OP and OP being more attractive https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5200885-do-men-marry-women-they-dont-find-incredibly-attractive
  4. yet another thread, this time asking men to list their crushes in an attempt to see if people prefer OP’s appearance or the employee’s appearance https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5200931-men-who-is-your-celebrity-crush

Oh dear, I'm starting to feel sorry for OP. I think it's really knocked her for six that her husband finds someone else attractive. It seems to particularly upset her that the woman looks nothing like her.
I remember in her other thread (first one maybe) OP said she thought her husband would continue to find her attractive because she'd always kept herself thin.
I don't think it had ever occurred to OP that her husband might fancy someone else! But surely we all know our partners are human?
Look OP, please don't obsess about your partner fancying someone. It's normal, it's human. We've all done it. The issue here is he's making it obvious and has made some inappropriate comments. This needs to stop! And maybe it has now. Let's hope so for the woman's sake
The fact that he fancied someone is no big deal. How he acted on it is more of a problem.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/12/2024 07:26

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:01

I meant false accusations in the sense o her fabricating something that never happened. He hasn't made any overt sexual remarks or done anything untoward.

Yes he has. The comments about fitting into her tight dress? That's sexual harassment in the workplace.

Now, warning your idiot of a husband about the possibility of false accusations might actually be the best way to get it into his head that he needs to behave professionally towards young women in the workplace.

But the reality is that if she did complain that your husband had sexually harassed her at work, it wouldn't actually be a false accusation, because he has in fact sexually harassed her at work.

pilates · 04/12/2024 07:30

Yes, your husband is acting inappropriately but you keep stroking his arm is possessory behaviour and a bit weird. Not sure why you are comparing your looks either you sound a little insecure.

Spagettifunctional · 04/12/2024 07:31

This is strange

she’s a women in her 20s - you are in your 59s so you are not going to look like her. Yeah he fancies her but I wouldn’t make a fool of myself and flatter his ego and stroke his arm. He’s not that special surely ?

GreyCarpet · 04/12/2024 07:34

OP, I've just skimread a couple of your other threads. This is something that is playing on your mind a lot!

Have you actually spoken to you husband about this? Properly?

Reading between the lines, it sounds as though you are quite insecure and have put a lot of faith in your own attractiveness over the course of your relationship maybe in terms of feeling confident he wouldn't cheat because of your own attractiveness or wouldn't find other women attractive because he finds you attractive.

You are getting quite harsh replies on this thread because of your focus on the woman and your refusal to see that your husband's behaviour is appropriate but it think the issue for you is more fundamental than that.

I think it's rocked your sense of security in your relationship and how you feel about yourself. I think this is why you are focused on the difference between you and why you went so far as to comment on your different relative breast sizes!

This younger woman can't help how she looks nor your husband's reaction to her. She is a person going through life in the body she has just trying to get on with it like we all are. She probably encounters this sort of reaction when she's at the supermarket, out socially, all the time and probably feels very weary that she's now tolerating it at work too.

Stop hanging off him and talk to him. Tell him other people have commented and how disrespectful his behaviour is to both you and her. I can pretty much guarantee that she has no interest in him! She is not the issue.

Be this young woman's ally and not another adversary.

For context, not a marriage but I dated a man a few uears ago who, it transpired, was a bit of a creep. When it was noticed by his employer that he was making a younger woman at work feel uncomfortable by his 'attention' to her and offers to mentor her, they took a very different approach and rightly so. I obviously dumped him.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 04/12/2024 07:35

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

It’s not that ‘nowadays young women would see it that way’, it’s that it IS sexual harassment 🤦🏻‍♀️

NewDaye · 04/12/2024 08:03

I agree, I find OP’s appearance comparisons really concerning - her gut reaction is to twist it on the employee he’s harassing, to state she’s not that attractive or it’s lies due to her age(!)

That’s manipulative @kinsey681

She’s half your age. No matter how attractive you are OP, you’re unfortunately going to be a different kind of attractive than her. She naturally just has something you don’t, that she can’t help, that he finds attractive. The problem is him and his behaviour. The fact you felt the need to mark your territory, suggests he crossed a line. But the employee hasn’t done anything wrong.

JoanOfArchers · 04/12/2024 08:12

I really feel for Lara. She’s there to do an internship but instead is embroiled in the drama of your marriage. All Lara wants to do is work hard until the end of ‘25, instead she’s had to put up with ‘eyes on stalks’ tight dress comments, an over familiar boss and a wife who behaves bizarrely (imo) on the occasions you’ve bumped into her. Putting your arm around your DH and stroking his arm, why do you feel the need to do that?

And Lara will now think she’s the problem…….

pilates · 04/12/2024 08:24

Yes agree @JoanOfArchers I bet the young woman is a little confused with the mixed signals going on here and thinking maybe what have I done wrong. The answer is obviously nothing! Poor girl.

HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2024 08:31

My husband has stared and made awkward comments, but he has never do anything more - he's only in the office a handful of times, and he's never been alone with this woman.

Yep, changes everything. Lara should completely suck it up because there’s nothing wrong with a man in a senior position making awkward comments and staring at young women in junior positions. And there’s nothing to make allegations about because he is only staring and making awkward comments, so if they complained it would be a false allegation.

I just can’t believe this is real.

As for all the ‘she looks nothing like me’ stuff. Seek therapy or something. Something is amiss.

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 04/12/2024 10:02

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:01

I meant false accusations in the sense o her fabricating something that never happened. He hasn't made any overt sexual remarks or done anything untoward.

HE HAS MADE SEXUAL REMARKS!! He commented on her "tiny dress". And STARES at her! God, sexual harassment isn't just groping. You both need some training on sexual harassment in the work place