Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

302 replies

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:28

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

OP posts:
JWhipple · 03/12/2024 00:26

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:06

He was staring at her with his eyes out on stalks

And yet somehow she's the problem for being polite to her creepy boss because she doesn't want to lose her job.

Jesus, what decade do you think this is? You know that women have the vote now. We can own property. We can even open bank accounts without out husband's permission.

And your confident assertion that some women make up false allegations...

Has this happened a lot to your husband?

MiddleClassWomanOfACertainAge · 03/12/2024 00:27

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:01

I meant false accusations in the sense o her fabricating something that never happened. He hasn't made any overt sexual remarks or done anything untoward.

How do you know? He is hardly likely to tell you about it, is he?

Delphiniumandlupins · 03/12/2024 00:30

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:01

I meant false accusations in the sense o her fabricating something that never happened. He hasn't made any overt sexual remarks or done anything untoward.

His comment on her dress is both a sexual remark and untoward. If she complained about his behaviour she would be entirely justified and she wouldn't be fabricating anything. Also, I'm older than you and know he's a sleaze. Accept he's the problem, not her.

username358 · 03/12/2024 00:31

You're reading your husband's emails and phone messages? Does he have any privacy at all?

You obviously don't trust him and I doubt this will end when Laura leaves.

NestaArcheron · 03/12/2024 00:36

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

No, it will be seen that way because that's what it is.

JockTamsonsBairns · 03/12/2024 00:41

Lara is a young woman, new in the role.
Your husband has passed comment on the tightness of her dress, and his eyes are on stalks when he speaks to her. He is circa 30 years her senior.

Your concern is that she may make "false allegations"?

TheCatterall · 03/12/2024 00:55

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

Ahh be off with yourself… young women would see it that way. You sound like Greg Wallace… I’m 50 and see it that way…

would he comment to a man of the same age as this women about how tiny his shirt was etc or make comments like that? No. Would he make comment like this to Nora in accounts who’s been there for 50 million years. No.

he’s making creepy comments and directing excess unprofessional attention to someone in a junior position.

a boss/senior making comments like that to women in the workplace makes most feel uncomfortable and not in a position to ask it stops.

Replace eccentric with creepy, unprofessional, out of touch etc.

coxesorangepippin · 03/12/2024 02:48

God not lara again

coxesorangepippin · 03/12/2024 02:49

On the last thread you were surprised because she doesn't look like you

NewDaye · 03/12/2024 02:56

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

?

what a weird mindset you have OP.

you believe your husband has a crush on her and go on to explain his leery behaviour. Yet you’re concerned about her making “false” accusations because of her age? When he has sexually harassed her, regardless of age.

you’re clearly not clued up on employment law. It’s not a “young woman” thing as you’re so keen to point out. Stop being blinded by jealousy, the hatred you have for young women is bizzare.

Both you and your husband sound awful.

Edingril · 03/12/2024 03:08

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:57

Last time I hadn't confronted him about it, this time I did, but never mentioned fancying or a crush, I just told him to mind his behaviour as young women can make false allegations and he needs to be careful

So if he is that creepy why are you with him?

He is either a sleaze or are jealous, either way not healthy

Bunny44 · 03/12/2024 03:44

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

To be honest you come across as part of the problem and misogynistic yourself. "Young women would see it that way". You're blaming them instead of the problem (the men).

It's sexual harassment and your DH needs to adjust his behaviour. Also you come across as insecure in the way you frame this problem.

CatThings · 03/12/2024 03:55

OP is making snide comments about ‘young women’ because she feels inferior. Making sure to grasp husband’s arm so that the young beauty doll (I remember the last thread) knows who he belongs to. And the husband is being a creep and clearly fancies her, so no wonder there are feelings of jealousy/inferiority/possessiveness.

PepperPaper · 03/12/2024 04:17

Your DH sounds like a creep and you sound like a controlling wife.

Prettydisgustingactually · 03/12/2024 04:20

Why are you posting this exact same scenario again. Posted a couple of weeks ago, weird!

GreyCarpet · 03/12/2024 04:36

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

OP, I'm 50 and I see it that way too.

When just was younger, I experienced this sort of shit from older bosses at work and it disgusted me.

That 'young women nowadays' don't put up with it isn't a problem with young women nowadays

The problem has always been men who behave like this and the people who blame the young women for the way these men behave.

Inanni · 03/12/2024 05:15

"your DH, clearly had his head turned by her" Well, there we have it, that poor poor man.

bengalcat · 03/12/2024 05:26

Doubtless Lara will move on and take her skills with her - who wants to work for a creepy boss

WipeSting · 03/12/2024 05:33

The tone and writing of this is odd…

Anyway, poor Lara. Your husband is a sleaze and your comment re young women accusing men is disgusting.

LouiseTopaz · 03/12/2024 05:39

You are down playing this, it is harassment. Once in my late 20s a guy in his 50s that I worked with kept saying similar things to me, I left the company shortly after. I felt really uncomfortable. Just because she's been chatty doesn't mean she doesn't feel uncomfortable. He's in a higher position she might have been worried for her job etc. and thinking she has to go along with it. There's a major power imbalance between your husband and Lara that has to be considered.

EmotionalSupportPotato · 03/12/2024 05:50

acted super interested in her inane chat!! that's so rude of you. She's done nothing here so how dare you diss her chat. Most people when spoken to try to act interested if they aren't.

He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in he should be sacked. I suggest he quits and finds another job. I has someone send me emails commenting on my dress when I was younger and it was so awkward. I felt I couldn't do anything. Luckily my boss at the time was approachable and helped me with the situation. But your husband is a prick sorry.

EmotionalSupportPotato · 03/12/2024 05:51

EmotionalSupportPotato · 03/12/2024 05:50

acted super interested in her inane chat!! that's so rude of you. She's done nothing here so how dare you diss her chat. Most people when spoken to try to act interested if they aren't.

He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in he should be sacked. I suggest he quits and finds another job. I has someone send me emails commenting on my dress when I was younger and it was so awkward. I felt I couldn't do anything. Luckily my boss at the time was approachable and helped me with the situation. But your husband is a prick sorry.

Shit.. he's the BOSS! Urgh what a nightmare working for a pig like that

SexAndCakes · 03/12/2024 05:55

TooManyCupsAndMugs · 02/12/2024 23:38

I don't think YOU are doing anything to make her feel awkward - HE is! Honestly, I would be so creeped out by an older man making comments on my clothes and body (the dress comment gave me the serious ick!). It comes across as if you are blaming another woman for your husband's behaviour tbh.

Edited

This.

SexAndCakes · 03/12/2024 05:58

I had a boss once who acted sleazy towards me at a work social (I was early 20s, he was 50s). His wife spent the rest of the evening making snidey comments about what I was wearing, etc. They got divorced the following year.

I was young, dressed normally, my long term boyfriend was with me at the social, and my boss's comments made me very uncomfortable - but his wife made me feel even worse. I couldn't have been less interested in her husband.

BlackJacktheDog · 03/12/2024 05:58

This deeply messed up in so many ways:

Your husband's behaviour towards Lara

Your attitude towards Lara and younger women.

Both of your approach to managing a business (and possibly a marriage).

What does seem true is that Lara doesn't deserve all this shit.

Swipe left for the next trending thread