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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU I told off DH for staring at younger woman?

302 replies

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:28

There's this younger woman at DH's work, must only be late 20s. He co-owns his own small company, but works remotely and is only in the offices once every few months, but pops in if there's something important.

This woman, I'll call her Lara, is doing an internship for a year; she'll leave at the end of 2025. My husband has said how impressive she is because of xyz....even though all of our employees have had comparable CVs.

I wonder if DH has a crush on Lara; he seems to have spent a lot more time talking to her than any of the other young employees, talking sh@t and joking. He's texted her a few times (I see his phone) after these visits, wishing her luck with something, or recommending that she visit somewhere. So, it is all harmless, but he hasn't done this to other employees. I only realised how much he's chatted to her on his office visits on the few times I've also bumped into Lara, outside the office, and she'll mention something, and I'll think: when has my husband been telling her about all of this? He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

The most annoying thing is how I've seen him looking at her when she's bumped into us both. One time, he was just intensely staring at her, just her face luckily, and smiling. I did put my arm around him, kept stroking his arm, but he still just stared at Lara and acted super interested in her inane chat!!

She saw us again a few weeks later, in a public place; my husband noticed her and said hello to her. I put my arm around him again; this time, instead of staring at Lara, he kept looking at her to speak, then down at his phone, then back at her again.... like a robot....I think he maybe knew I was watching him that time!
Lara looks nothing like me; the only similarity is that we're both thin, although she has a different body shape entirely. I have a narrow, thin face and small-ish hazel eyes, short hair. Lara has long hair and large, round eyes.

Anyway, I didn't want to ask DH whether he has a crush or not (would he admit it anyway?), but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. I told him not to be too chatty or overfamiliar, and that he should be brief and business-like with her. So, he has mostly done so. I also said that she looks like a kid (she's late 20s/30, but we're 50). A week ago, when he was on an office visit, I went with him, and I told him not to be ages and don't get into a conversation with Lara.

I think Lara has noticed DH's change- she's changed the way she writes messages/emails to him, and seems to avoid him when he comes into the office. She used to chat and share news with him; now she just sends an email like, 'xyz was an issue today.....Best wishes'. When he avoided her in the office last week, making excuses not to chat as I asked him to, she must have noticed as she hasn't sent her usual 'updates for this week' email (they aren't essential for DH to know anyway; it can just be dealt with by others in the office).

Part of me is glad but I also wonder AIBU in making the woman feel awkward?

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 03/12/2024 06:05

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

It's just not young women that see it as sexual harassment,I hated seeing pathetic men in their 50s fawing over young female employees and making very inappropriate comments and I did report it to a higher up.. nothing was done because the worst offender was line managements pet.

Thevelvelletes · 03/12/2024 06:05

Fawning not fawing

GridlockonMain · 03/12/2024 06:06

I expect Lara does feel awkward but because of him, not you. His comments about her dress are creepy and inappropriate and his staring at her must be so uncomfortable for her. So many women are put in this horribly uncomfortable position where a much older man behaves like a creep towards them and when it’s the boss it’s so hard to deal with.

She’ll be grateful that his interactions have become more professional.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. Your husband was behaving badly and it sounds like he has had a wake up call and is behaving himself again - I hope that’s the case for all your sakes.

Diomi · 03/12/2024 06:23

This woman is going about her business and she has a creepy boss with a crush on her and a jealous wife to deal with.

swimsong · 03/12/2024 06:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SallyWD · 03/12/2024 06:46

Ah so you're still worrying about this woman...What more can you do?

Moonlightstars · 03/12/2024 06:50

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:57

Last time I hadn't confronted him about it, this time I did, but never mentioned fancying or a crush, I just told him to mind his behaviour as young women can make false allegations and he needs to be careful

Ugh you know they aren't false. He sounds vile and is harassing a much younger women.
Either you are trying to get a rise out of us or are a man/gullible woman.

HelloCheekyCat · 03/12/2024 06:52

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

I'm a woman in my 40's and would find that to be sexual harassment

cantarguewithfools · 03/12/2024 06:56

Mistletones · 02/12/2024 23:57

I’ve said YABU for this

because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men

it wouldn’t be a false accusation
shes a young woman with a 50 year old boss who is staring at her, flirting with her and making inappropriate comments about her clothes. She was chatty to him when he was chatty to her, maybe she felt she had to be since it’s her boss. He’s stopped and she’s stopped. Maybe she’s relieved.

Exactly! This is gross. Your husband is the sleaze bag and you’re twisting it to make it Lara’s fault. She’s a young woman trying to forge a career for herself. She doesn’t need some silly old man with notions making her feel uncomfortable at work!

BeensOnToost · 03/12/2024 06:58

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:01

I meant false accusations in the sense o her fabricating something that never happened. He hasn't made any overt sexual remarks or done anything untoward.

Commenting on her tight tiny dress is exactly that.

He obviously gancoes her, she has to play nice because she works for his company and he enjoys it the way any pathetic older man would

And please stop putting your hands on him in public interactions to mark your territory, its so embarrassing. She doesn't want him. He is man of ego.

cantarguewithfools · 03/12/2024 06:58

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

You’re as bad as him! It IS sexual harassment.

The jealousy is absolutely dripping out of you.

BeMintBee · 03/12/2024 07:08

Poor Lara, what a horrible working environment for. I hope she finds a better employer.

unsync · 03/12/2024 07:10

Your husband sounds like a creep and you sound insecure.

His behaviour is harassment, doesn't matter what age. That kind of behaviour is totally inappropriate in the workplace. He's the boss, there's a power dynamic here - how do you not see that?

Dimpliy · 03/12/2024 07:13

He's also apparently commented on her (tight) dress every time he's been in, stupid stuff like: 'oh don't spill the coffee on that..... that's tiny, how did you fit into it?'

Your husband is a grotesque sleazebag. I would advise this woman to report him to HR but seeing as your husband co owns the company he would probably fire her. And your warning that this woman may raise false allegations about your husband are also grotesque.

Why are you victim blaming the woman? She hasn’t done anything wrong. Digging your hands into your husband isn’t going to stop him being a sleaze.

SallyWD · 03/12/2024 07:14

When did you find out about the tight dress comment? And how? You didn't mention this in your last thread.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 03/12/2024 07:22

Poor Lara. Not only has she had to put up with a lecherous middle aged man, but she's probably also on crappy pay as an intern.

I'm nearly 50 and if I heard male colleague talking to an intern like that, I'd report him to HR. If it was someone in a senior position, this makes it even worse!

False accusations indeed!!

Your husband is a creep and you are extremely jealous. Not a good combination.

SerenityNowSerenityNow · 03/12/2024 07:28

but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men.

This is an awful comment.
Your husband is letching over young female staff and you're concerned about false accusations!!!!

They wouldn't be false though would they?

Threewheeler1 · 03/12/2024 07:29

Diomi · 03/12/2024 06:23

This woman is going about her business and she has a creepy boss with a crush on her and a jealous wife to deal with.

Poor Lara, probably can't wait to get this internship over with.
Young women just want to get their work day done like everyone else - doing a good job and getting on with co-workers. Building her career.
Why the assumption that she'd be remotely interested in an inappropriate boss who's old enough to be her Dad?
Why is it her fault your husband is behaving like this?

Fannyfiggs · 03/12/2024 07:29

My god, Lara is awful. Her and her tiny dresses and making your poor husband look at her with his eyes out on stalks. It's disgusting! She'll definitely make false allegations against your poor innocent husband. That's what young women are all about now. And she's even more awful for her inane chat and making her boss's wife jealous. What a horror.

🙄

Likewhatever · 03/12/2024 07:35

I think you should say exactly what you feel, that he has a crush on her and is making it very obvious, which is extremely embarrassing to you as his wife. That’s your issue.

The issue of him acting like a predatory creep (which he is) isn’t your specific concern because you aren’t responsible for his behaviour although you can add that it makes him deeply unattractive to you, and clearly her.

edited to add italic phrasing

CatsndtheBear · 03/12/2024 07:39

NestaArcheron · 02/12/2024 23:48

but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men. -

You said what ?? She isn't the problem - he is!!! Young women make accusations against men because of the sheer amount they are stared at, harassed and assaulted by men in the workplace and everywhere else. Your husband is a sleaze. He needs to be careful because he's bloody married. Stop petting him in public like he's some kind of prize, you may as well have wee'd all over him to mark your territory. Tell him he's gross and to be more bloody professional, and leave out the misogyny.

All of this!!!!!!!

Completelyjo · 03/12/2024 07:43

but I have told DH that he needs to be careful how he speaks to/interacts with Lara because young women nowadays can make false accusations about middle-aged, or any, men.

You are being unreasonable. Your husband is a creep to his junior ‘employee’ in the workplace and you’re blaming her.
The power balance is even more extreme since she isn’t even being paid appropriately for her work.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/12/2024 08:02

kinsey681 · 02/12/2024 23:59

I never thought of it as sexual harassment, but I suppose nowadays young women would see it that way.

Of course a 50 year old man, in a position of authority over a 20 something woman, making a remark about her fitting into a tiny dress is entirely inappropriate and falls into the category of sexual harassment.

DancingLions · 03/12/2024 08:16

Stop petting him in public like he's some kind of prize, you may as well have wee'd all over him to mark your territory

This. I felt embarrassed for you when reading your OP. Lara doesn't want your husband! She's more likely to be cringing at the behaviour of both of you.

SalsaLights · 03/12/2024 08:17

kinsey681 · 03/12/2024 00:06

He was staring at her with his eyes out on stalks

Young women can make false allegations

You seem to be content to have this as your primary concern, rather than the fact that your husband is acting like a dirty old letch. Instead of putting the blame on young women, why not put the blame on him? He's the one ogling her, which is completely inappropriate workplace behaviour.