Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

[Fabbyfloofloo]

Please help.

My children are close in age. One has SEND. Dad is getting married in January and has refused to accommodate SEND child's needs. But has agreed for NT child to go.
Do I let NT go and keep SEND one with me? Or refuse to let either of them go on principal?
Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.
TIA

It depends - what are the needs and what’s the reason for refusing. Principally - yes it sounds bad. But it might be fairest alround if your SEND child will otherwise be stressed and miserable despite accommodations.

The NT child should go or be given the choice. Holding one child back to be fair to another leads to resentment.

Glasschildren due to their siblings higher needs. Look it up they are still their own person who shouldn’t always come last to their siblings.

How old are the children? Do they see Dad? Do they want to go the wedding?

The backstory alone would be enough for me to send neither child, regardless of whether needs are accommodated or not

What would the Send child need in terms of accomodation to attend? Without details, I would say families stick together. Either Send child goes or the whole family unit stays away. Otherwise, what message are you sending out???

Edit: sorry, thought your dad is getting married but it sounds like their dad. With the abuse in the mix, I wouldn't let either attend.

Sorry to be dim- this is their dad not yours?

I assume this is the father of the two children, and not YOUR father? If he is the children's father, then surely the legal parenting agreement will control the decision here? Can you tell us more about who has "official" parental rights for each child?

Hello. Thank you for responding.
SEND is verbal, audhd. The reasons for refusing are this: SEND doesn't stay overnight at dad's as she can't cope with the inflexible, strong rules at dads. NT does go. Dad's refusing using the reasons that SEND child would HAVE to stay at his Monday - Thursday. No accomodations. SEND child wants to go to wedding, but only wants to go for the day and come back to mine afterwards.

Yes, their Dad

There is no court order in place. However, due to issues previously we do handovers in a public place.

SEND is 9. NT 7

Why would they have to stay Monday-Thursday is it a destination type wedding.

Looks like it’s too tricky for SEND child to go. If he’s unwilling to do a daytime handover and they can’t stay. The other child - I would leave it up to them but would they be a bit miserable on their own at the wedding or will they have other children they know?

With the backstory I think it may easier if neither go…

SEND child wants to go to wedding, but only wants to go for the day and come back to mine afterwards would that work logistically? If yes I agree with you!

Ah so he’s saying your dd isn’t allowed to go for the day only, it’s all or nothing. And “all” is staying with him Monday - Thursday when she normally stay overnight at all?

he is being an arse (provided it was logistically possible for her to just go for the day).

reminds me of my xH saying my dc wouldn’t get any presents if they didn’t go and have Christmas lunch with him.

fine then dd doesn’t go, your other child gets to choose.

SEND child wants to go to wedding, but only wants to go for the day and come back to mine afterwards

Then try to make this happen.
Presumably you aren't going? Is there a mutual friend or reliable known person/godparent who could be in charge of SEND child? Is it close enough that you could pick up from venue if appropriate adult brings them out to you?

Hello,
That's my concern. Either way each child will feel resentful whichever decision I make. NT wants to go. SEND wants to go to, but has been refused, due to the severe rules

I provided that option. Dad refused. All or nothing

To reply to specific posts OP you should tag the username or quote the post.

No. It's not the Bahamas 😂
It's around half an hour drive from where we live. I'm unaware of the reasons for staying 3 nights

Ah! Thank you. Newbie here

Hasn't seen SEND for over a year. NT sporadically, due to comments made and upset caused

Can you accommodate and collect DC?