Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

[Fabbyfloofloo]

Please help.

My children are close in age. One has SEND. Dad is getting married in January and has refused to accommodate SEND child's needs. But has agreed for NT child to go.
Do I let NT go and keep SEND one with me? Or refuse to let either of them go on principal?
Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.
TIA

Could you not just buy them both a dress?

From the outside, I would agree and probably say the same thing to someone else.
But when your children make noises they want to attend the wedding you do everything in your power to 'try' (being the operative word) to facilitate that. Because they're still part of his family and it's a big day

Agreed

He sounds the type who will react badly if you say to him neither are coming. You're going to have to find a way to make him feel ok with the fact both are not going.
Part of me thinks you should be honest with the 9 year old NT. Tell them a version of the truth that says look for these reasons this is difficult and instead we will be doing x,y,z on that day.
What would you guys both like to do that weekend?
I'm sorry ( NT kid) but this is beyond my control.
It isn't right that you can't both go here so we're doing something else.

It is the truth and you aren't criticising him. NT may resent ND. Either way it's a lose lose on some level.

Handling him will be the problem. He probably will care more about you telling him no than the fact his kids won't be there so that needs gentle handling for an easier life.

I understand your response.

I was trying to facilitate this for my children. It's difficult having one child misd Dad and have rose tinted spectacles on and the other craving his love and feeling rejected and abandoned when there's no reciprocation.

@redhelper that sounds perfect to me.

How did you handle the Christmas threat? P

Isn’t it likely that if SEND DC goes (under dad’s preferences) they will end up unhappy /not coping and you will be summoned to come pick them up anyway?

It seems dad just wants them there as he knows it will look bad for him otherwise, but he’s not thinking about their needs.

I’d put money on that not being the case.

@Fabbyfloofloo these things are complicated, don't worry. Alot of people understand these dynamics are a nightmare.

NT is probably going to feel pretty rejected at the wedding if they did go. You're saving them both.

When you tell the idiot father, I'd frame it nicely nicely. Wish him a wonderful day etc. You'll have to be assertive though and explain it just can't work logistically.

kids make fast friends in large family settings.

If she wants to go is it fair that she can't because her sibling can't stay overnight?

I don't, to be honest.

The past few months without him in our lives have been peaceful, without any drama.

I prioritized my children's feelings and their own acknowledgement that they wanted to attend the wedding. This came from them, solely.

This was last year, first one post separation.
the kids never heard about it. I did try and encourage them to go because I didn’t mind having Xmas lunch another time but they were adamant they didn’t want to.
I tried to negotiate with him and suggested brunch, dinner, etc.
I invited him to my parents house with us for Xmas lunch but he declined.
in the end he realised that despite threats and lashing out verbally he couldn’t make them come, so we went up together Christmas Eve and I also visited with the kids Christmas Day afternoon. They did get their presents of course. That’s how he is, but in the moment he’s very convincing and it’s very upsetting!

A loving father would move heaven and earth to make it possible for both children to attend - not put barriers up.

He’s a shit OP.

If the dress is the big thing, can you take them dress shopping and go somewhere to wear them.

The new dresses and having both children stay for the duration of wedding events is just to keep up the image of the doting dad. It’s sickening.

What a beautiful thing to do 🙏
Ideally, that would have been what I wanted for my children

Sounds familiar

upon reflection and your updates i think you need a to go via court to sort out visitation.

as the you've offered many reasonable adjustments and his unwillingness to meet halfway is ridiculous

My xH is an arse, he is also on the autistic spectrum I believe (and he also acknowledges). The two are obviously separate things. I do think though that it contributes to his inflexibility and it has helped me to bear this in mind.
I also have a ND child (two out of three actually) and the combination and managing their relationship is exhausting (and was exhausting when we were married).

You don't let either child attend the wedding. Because you are a mother. A mother's job is to make decisions in the best interests of their children, with all the facts available. Children can't make these decisions because they have no idea what complex issues are being played out.

It isn't fair or right that one of your children doesn't get to go. So neither of them go. That's not on you, it's on him.

Glasschild syndrome may be a 'thing' (I have 3 with SN) but it's more important for the child who is NT to know that we don't allow people to discriminate against their siblings on our watch. That doesn't mean that they always get to do everything they want to do. There may be legitimate situations where they aren't invited, or it isn't appropriate. But this isn't one of them. This is a situation where a child is being bullied and to participate in that and collude in it would send a terrible message to them both.