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Original poster

Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

166 replies

Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 14:49

Please help.

My children are close in age. One has SEND. Dad is getting married in January and has refused to accommodate SEND child's needs. But has agreed for NT child to go.
Do I let NT go and keep SEND one with me? Or refuse to let either of them go on principal?
Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.
TIA

OP posts:
GoneWithTheWindIsMyFart · 02/12/2024 15:27

Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:21

Their Dad 😂
I never made that clear in the original post.

Show quote history

Ah, apologies ! My bad.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 02/12/2024 15:27

I would probably offer up a more enticing place to be at the exact time of the wedding... Their df really won't have time to consider either dc on the day and like you say dc hardly know the other guests... If dc distracts during the service I bet your parenting will get the blame....

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:28

ARichtGoodDram · 02/12/2024 15:20

Clearly he doesn't want her to go - he knows that the overnight situation will rule it out (especially as he's made it so that she can't grit her teeth and get through just one night).

As bad as it may be I'd just be talking about how lucky she is to escape it because weddings are very boring, you have to be super quiet, lots of people just talking and talking and talking.

If that means the other one ends up not fancying it either then so be it.

And usually I'm one for not speaking bad of the other parent, but in this case I'd be clear with your child with SEND that you don't know why Daddy is being so silly and rude with the three nights insistence because if it was your wedding you'd 100% want her there.

That was my thought too...with the lack of flexibility. Thank you for validating my thoughts

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Thank you for the validation.

OP posts:
BrownOwlknowsbest · 02/12/2024 15:30

Is the service being streamed by any chance? More and more places are. If so, could you take part 'on-line' and then go for a celebration that would suit both children

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:30

Stormyweatheroutthere · 02/12/2024 15:27

I would probably offer up a more enticing place to be at the exact time of the wedding... Their df really won't have time to consider either dc on the day and like you say dc hardly know the other guests... If dc distracts during the service I bet your parenting will get the blame....

My thoughts exactly! Trip to London to see the Christmas lights, anyone? 😂

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 02/12/2024 15:31

Tbf if he has joint parenting responsibility you can't refuse and he wants them for that length of time over his wedding then let him! His problem. He will deal with it

crumblingschools · 02/12/2024 15:32

Could you go with them, lurk somewhere, so they can attend the ceremony and then take them home?

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:32

Delatron · 02/12/2024 15:20

I think you may need to gently explain that Dad will be busy all day and there will nobody there to look out for her? Are there grandparents that can help?

I think he’s bigged it up obviously in to something it will not be. She will be bored and won’t know anyone. And it will go on late. What’s the provison for kids in the evening? Or are they staying to the end?

Show quote history

I'm unaware what happens in the evening, bar granny will make that call.
He's definitely bigged it up and made it into this huge celebration for NT

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:33

Maddy70 · 02/12/2024 15:31

Tbf if he has joint parenting responsibility you can't refuse and he wants them for that length of time over his wedding then let him! His problem. He will deal with it

The problem being: he's refused one and not the other

OP posts:
Tittat50 · 02/12/2024 15:33

I don't think either should go OP. I'm all for honesty but I'd consider the options @Stormyweatheroutthere suggests. This is going to be an uncomfortable experience for you and the kids. He won't give either of them the time of day as he will be so wrapped up in himself.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:34

crumblingschools · 02/12/2024 15:32

Could you go with them, lurk somewhere, so they can attend the ceremony and then take them home?

Nope. He's refused that. I even offered for a friend to take SEND for the day and that's been refused too. His way, or no way

OP posts:
NoahsTortoise · 02/12/2024 15:34

Could you offer him the choice - knowing he will say no due to the overnights - and then at least he'll feel like he's made his own mind up?

I don't understand why your ex wouldn't allow you to pick your son up in the evening, or for someone else to bring him back to you (presumably there are other family members attending who he knows) but if he won't then there isn't really any other option I suppose.

StormingNorman · 02/12/2024 15:34

what he is doing is a continuation of his abuse. He is knowingly making it impossible for your SEND child to go and then pitting the siblings against each other.

Neither goes. It will be difficult now but they’ll understand as they get older.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:35

BrownOwlknowsbest · 02/12/2024 15:30

Is the service being streamed by any chance? More and more places are. If so, could you take part 'on-line' and then go for a celebration that would suit both children

I've not asked, but I would suspect he wouldn't let me have streaming passwords etc

OP posts:
DogInATent · 02/12/2024 15:35

Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.

There is no court order in place. However, due to issues previously we do handovers in a public place.

SEND doesn't stay overnight at dad's as she can't cope with the inflexible, strong rules at dads.

Sorry, I can't get passed all of these issues to see why you'd want to facilitate sending either child to the wedding. Or facilitating any non court ordered contact.

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:35

Tittat50 · 02/12/2024 15:33

I don't think either should go OP. I'm all for honesty but I'd consider the options @Stormyweatheroutthere suggests. This is going to be an uncomfortable experience for you and the kids. He won't give either of them the time of day as he will be so wrapped up in himself.

Completely agree

OP posts:
Delatron · 02/12/2024 15:35

You know what is best for them. Neither needs to go. I like the suggestion of doing something nice on the day.

redhelper · 02/12/2024 15:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

crumblingschools · 02/12/2024 15:36

I would take them somewhere else then on the day of the wedding. What would would happen if NT child gets the wobbles after a few hours/days and wants to come home early, if they go to the wedding?

DevilledEgg · 02/12/2024 15:36

DogInATent · 02/12/2024 15:35

Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.

There is no court order in place. However, due to issues previously we do handovers in a public place.

SEND doesn't stay overnight at dad's as she can't cope with the inflexible, strong rules at dads.

Sorry, I can't get passed all of these issues to see why you'd want to facilitate sending either child to the wedding. Or facilitating any non court ordered contact.

100%

thismummydrinksgin · 02/12/2024 15:37

Sounds like Dad doesn't actually want her to go, I'd be tempted to say to dad ok Monday to Thursday it is - fine . You can always back out later and he might just agreed to her just going into the day . Sounds like he is calling your bluff

Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:37

NoahsTortoise · 02/12/2024 15:34

Could you offer him the choice - knowing he will say no due to the overnights - and then at least he'll feel like he's made his own mind up?

I don't understand why your ex wouldn't allow you to pick your son up in the evening, or for someone else to bring him back to you (presumably there are other family members attending who he knows) but if he won't then there isn't really any other option I suppose.

Offer dad the choice? SEND daughter has refused overnights. But is now upset that sister is getting to pick nice dress etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Fabbyfloofloo · 02/12/2024 15:37

Delatron · 02/12/2024 15:35

You know what is best for them. Neither needs to go. I like the suggestion of doing something nice on the day.

Agree

OP posts:
Scirocco · 02/12/2024 15:38

In an abusive situation, the children's safety comes before what the abuser wants. I'd say neither goes if there's a history of abuse, because you'd be putting them in an unsafe situation. Get legal representation and contact arranged through legal channels - even using contact centres if needed.

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