Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

[Fabbyfloofloo]

Please help.

My children are close in age. One has SEND. Dad is getting married in January and has refused to accommodate SEND child's needs. But has agreed for NT child to go.
Do I let NT go and keep SEND one with me? Or refuse to let either of them go on principal?
Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.
TIA

To be honest, I don't actually think he wants her there 😢
She's not compliant like her NT sibling. She'd be like an excitable puppy

You were trying to facilitate your children into a situation to likely get verbally abused by their father?

If a mum came on here and said her send child wasn't coming to her wedding she'd likely be ripped a new one.

Thank you for validating my thoughts. As tough as this will be to break the news to my NT daughter, I feel it's the only way

I do tend to agree. Presumably the child doesn’t have much to do with Dads family either. Dad will be busy on the day - what will the child do? Who will look after them and make sure their needs are met? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.

That would probably be met with a big, fat tough, on his part 😢

No.

With all those people there I'm very doubtful he'd put a foot wrong.

My children said they wanted to go to the wedding. I messaged Dad to ask.

Absolutely right.

There are lots of things that DC want to do - but are not in their best interests. You need to take control of the decision here - neither should go. Yes, both will be upset and one might be angry, but I’d book something else nice and take both. I’d say one more time that it is not right that they are not both invited. If his response is the same, then I’d tell him that neither will be going. If his parents get involved, I would treat them to a discussion of their son’s disgusting approach to parenthood.

I agree. That's the other anxiety inducing factor. Will he come to the school and demand to pick NT up? Will school have to get involved in our sordid drama? 😢

there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad

There is no court order in place.

Hasn't seen SEND for over a year. NT sporadically

She's not attended for contact in over a year, due to inflexible rules. Added to that messages since calling her ungrateful and rude

there has been a severe breakdown in the relationship for both children.

Having read all that, it's a no brainer for me. Of course you can't allow one child to attend and not the other, you're mad to entertain the idea. His inflexibility is appalling. Given that he's only had sporadic contact with your NT child, it's completely inappropriate for them to have a prolonged visit over the time of the wedding, anyway, even if ND child was going.

Tell the children that neither are going and it's not up for debate. Plan something really exciting - preferably something that gives you an excuse to buy them both a special outfit to wear (if that's what DC2 was excited about). DC2 will be disappointed but you have to tell them that it's wrong to exclude people - and excluding disabled people is discriminatory - which is why she can't go. You must be very clear that it is NOT DC1's fault that DC2 can't go, it is their father's fault for excluding them and for refusing all the possible solutions you've suggested.

Also, I don't see why NT child should have to see him at all. There is no court order so you won't be in breach of anything. It sounds as if contact with him is not in her best interests.

Do not allow him to continue to abuse your children in this way.

You've actually made me cry!

I wholeheartedly agree with all you've said!

I'm also crying reading your comment 😢
You've articulated it so well! Thank you 🙏

Why dont you have a formal contact order in place?

You've put it beautifully. Thank you 🙏 I agree, it does send a strong message to NT that we don't accept that

He's never taken me to court 😉 Probably because it would mean he had to spend a small fortune and he's tight 😂

That would seem the best option. I don't think the other child should miss out if they want to go.

Honestly OP, i think a PP is right, he doesn't want her there :/ The cynic in me also thinks he's invited her (but made it as difficult for her as possible to go) so he can say in the future "I wanted you there but your mum stopped you from going."
Given the background of abusive twattery i think you can assume this is just more twattery. I'd keep them both home tbh

@Viviennemary the child abuser has refused that.

Your kids will need trauma based therapy. Was the abuse reported or documented anywhere? It cannot be in your kids best interests to be made to have contact with their abuser.

If you think there's any chance, you can give school the heads up.
Is the collection in public court ordered?

@Fabbyfloofloo if you communicate via email that's a good way of telling him. I think if you're nice and just feed his ego as sickening as it is he'll just go away easier.

Nice pleasant language. Make it neutral so saying it just isn't workable at all for both girls so unfortunately the girls won't be able to participate. I've spoken to the girls and they are going to be doing something else that weekend. Really hope you understand. I know you wanted them to be involved but it's impractical with ND's needs.

I'd tell the school if you're worried he could just turn up. Or you just take her then out of school that day and all 3 of you get off on a wknd away then you don't need to worry about that. They'll probably love missing a day of school so another good sell.

But this is on you too... .alw it formal and you have something to go on

Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.

That tells us all we need to know. Unless they're old enough to decide for themselves neither should go.

I disagree with everyone telling you to get a child arrangements order. That would make no sense. Currently, there is no legal requirement for him to see them, so you just refuse contact if you feel it's not in their best interests (which it clearly isn't!) If it went to court, it would be a costly and stressful process, and there's a risk that he would persuade a CAFCASS officer and a judge that he is a good parent (he's not, he's an abusive piece of shit) and that the judge might allow contact. If that was in a court order you'd be legally required to follow it.

I wouldn’t send either of them. Your 7 year old wants to go because she likes the idea of attending a wedding and wearing a pretty dress? It’s likely to be a long day and probably won’t be much fun at all. He’s not had contact with the eldest for a year and barely sees the 7 year old? There’s a history of abuse?
Not a chance I would be sending my kids into that situation how ever much they wanted to go.

@AnotherEmma completely agree. It would be like kicking a hornets nest. I have seen some horrendous stories where shared custody was forced despite kids crying and desperate not to go, despite history of DViolence, despite all sorts of horrible things. Handling him as is, is the best way.