Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

[Fabbyfloofloo]

Please help.

My children are close in age. One has SEND. Dad is getting married in January and has refused to accommodate SEND child's needs. But has agreed for NT child to go.
Do I let NT go and keep SEND one with me? Or refuse to let either of them go on principal?
Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.
TIA

Do you honestly think even leaving rather than staying. Send who hasn’t seen in over a year would cope. Honestly. Dads a strict sticker for the rules and she can’t cope with it.

NT child will be upset not going. However she has no understanding of what a wedding entails and keeps talking about how Dad is getting her a nice dress to wear. Possibly other children there, but due to sporadic contact, she possibly won't know them that well

I agree. She would find it extremely difficult. However, she is also devastated that she's essentially been refused and her sibling is going. The novelty and fear of being left out, overrides all

Sounds familiar 😂
Textbook type of man.
She's not attended for contact in over a year, due to inflexible rules. Added to that messages since calling her ungrateful and rude

Who will be at this wedding that they know and that will look after them? I'd say that's more relevant because someone (not the useless dad who they've not seen in a year) will need to have responsibility for children that age. Are they close to grandparents who are willing to do it?

"has agreed for NT child to go"

So he didn't even invite them or want them there off his own bat?

I'm surprised anyone is encouraging you to find a way for either of them to go given that " there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad." - or was that a later edit?

I wouldn't be letting either of them anywhere near, and I'd plan something special just you 3 on the same day.

I think you may need to gently explain that Dad will be busy all day and there will nobody there to look out for her? Are there grandparents that can help?

I think he’s bigged it up obviously in to something it will not be. She will be bored and won’t know anyone. And it will go on late. What’s the provison for kids in the evening? Or are they staying to the end?

Same here. Why do they need to be exposed to their horrible grandad?

Sorry. I was planning on providing those details in the comments.
I agree, it is very relevant.
7 yo is NT. SEND is 9. Not that it makes much difference, as I fully agree with your sentiment.
I feel there's a part of me overriding my sensible thoughts in order to make sure my children are included in the big day 😢

So he's been abusive towards them , hardly sees them - then I would not be allowing them to go to the wedding .
They don't need to be wheeled out for someone who treats them like that .
Certainly no question of them staying for days with such a person .

Clearly he doesn't want her to go - he knows that the overnight situation will rule it out (especially as he's made it so that she can't grit her teeth and get through just one night).

As bad as it may be I'd just be talking about how lucky she is to escape it because weddings are very boring, you have to be super quiet, lots of people just talking and talking and talking.

If that means the other one ends up not fancying it either then so be it.

And usually I'm one for not speaking bad of the other parent, but in this case I'd be clear with your child with SEND that you don't know why Daddy is being so silly and rude with the three nights insistence because if it was your wedding you'd 100% want her there.

Their Dad 😂
I never made that clear in the original post.

Yes both children should be allowed to go, he's being a bad father for not facilitating it. Are you willing to drop off then collect on the day?

I have a dsd with very high level needs (also autistic but the least of her problems) and we still arranged for her to come including paying her care team overtime!

Totally beside the point, but does the bride-to-be have any clue what sort of irretrievably repellent c*nt she's about to marry?

Yes, granny (his mum) will be attending and looking after them

I would be saying:
Both DCs are going for the day. Only for the day or neither is coming. There is no reason for him to have either overnight if it's local.

DD1 needs someone they know well to sit with/take them out if necessary.
You will hover nearby and DD1 buddy can ring you if it's all too much.

He takes both or none but you are prepared for either of them to want to come away early if uncomfortable.
If you cannot deliver DCs to the wedding itself due to contact/handover arrangements it will be very nearby and to the buddy (are either of his DPs alive/around/reasonable? maybe a sibling of dad?)

She’s willing to do all that but he’s the one insisting they stay for 3 days. It’s only half an hour away from where they live so ridiculous

Thank you for validating my feelings 🙏

Get them both nice outfits and 'forget' which day it is, then say oh dear mummy forgot, how silly, never mind let's go to xyz and have some fun. You don't have to follow his ridiculous rules now

He invited both this time last year.
However, in the meantime there has been a severe breakdown in the relationship for both children.
Fast forward a couple of months ago, SEND child made noises that Dad's wedding was coming up and she wanted to go.
Text was sent (sorely regret that now 😢) and response was very strict stipulations