Dad refusing to accommodate SEND daughter's needs at wedding

[Fabbyfloofloo]

Please help.

My children are close in age. One has SEND. Dad is getting married in January and has refused to accommodate SEND child's needs. But has agreed for NT child to go.
Do I let NT go and keep SEND one with me? Or refuse to let either of them go on principal?
Backstory: there is domestic abuse, coercive control and a history of manipulative and verbal abuse towards both children from Dad.
TIA

I would like to suggest that you call his bluff and say they're both going, planning to pick both up later in the day. However, they're too young to be exposed to his abuse and manipulation and you have no way to control his behaviour when you're not present. You are going to be blamed by him whatever decision you make so just do what's best for the DC.

The guilt and instinct to ‘mend’ or compensate to try and divert the anger lasts a very long time after getting out of a coercive relationship.

OP, I would be frank with your dc and say, “look, you would have to stay 3 nights with dad, JUST you, and sibling nor I can be there. Or, we three could make a plan to do something else that’s nice, and send dad a lovely card on the day. Do you still want to go to the wedding?” And have no guilt. He won’t have any. And if dc have had such little contact this year they may actually prefer not to have 3 nights in one go. When it comes to it- that is a big ask of a 7yo.

I agree. I think that's a huge factor. Picking the wrong father for your children really does build inside you.
I adopt gentle parenting methods for both my children. Bith children are always treated fairly. The way we have grown as a family of three means both children feel comfortable voicing their opinions without fear of being shouted at and put down. Hence why I felt it was ok to help facilitate that (stupid, I know)

Ah, my ex is trying to pull this one on my 16yo ds this year for boxing day. He dropped my dd off yesterday (she goes every sat evening to Sunday) and told him if he didn't come he wouldn't get any presents. He agreed to go, but as soon as ex left told me he didn't want to. I've told him it's up to him, and I'm here on boxing day if he wants to stay, but can't help thinking how the hell did I ever marry someone that resorts to threats to force his child to visit him but doesn't bother to spend time with him if he doesn't 🤮

Let the NT child go.

But surely when he meted out abuse to them he lost the right to have them as part of his family?
You are their carer and protector now so I would think as the adult you are best placed to keep both safe from him and do something lovely with them both.

I wouldn’t let either of them attend given you’ve said their dad has a history of abuse and coercive control. I’d be reducing any contact by as much as I could!

Your son has become a daughter in a very short space of time!

What on earth are you on about?!
The OP has never referred to a son at any point.
She has used a lot of neutral language (child, they) but has also consistently used she/her.
OP clearly has two daughters.

I don't know if I agree with you on this one, OP. Kids will want to do x, y, z or see this person or that, or this movie or that, etc. and we, the responsible parent, make the call on whether it is the right choice, regardless of how much the child wants it. We do it on the daily with small and big things, and I understand this is a big thing, and yet you know how toxic their dad is and how, despite your NT child really wanting to go, it is not the right thing to do to let them go. You'll have to be the bad guy and say no (again, sth we do on the daily with our kids, isn’t it.)

So, I wonder if your ex's fiancee knows how he's treating his children. And if so, she's still marrying him?

Read the thread title. I'll wait.

I don’t really have any advice but how can men be this awful? To their own actual children? It breaks my heart. I’m sorry @Fabbyfloofloo 💐

I don’t understand why you’re encouraging any contact, or why you’d want your child with SEND to go and have a miserable day? How will he accommodate your NT child? They’ll still need an adult who’s responsible for them for the day?

Which is why neither of them should go

Oops

You’ve still not really said what accommodations your child would need either or how you envisage it working for them?

Sounds like there is already a little to sort out without a wrangling over a wedding. I would step back. If the NT child wants to go make it happen. If the send child hasn't seem him in a year and doesn't want to stay over tell them you will do something else nice with them.

I wonder if you could maybe swerve the whole thing?
Possibly book, say, a Premier Inn cheap night?
Write it up on a calendar and count down days. Pack a little suitcase with favourite teddies and story book.
'6 more sleeps until our adventure!'
Or trip to the zoo/experience/beach, pack a picnic with treats.
'Which toy wants to go to the zoo/beach?
Distraction, give them their special day.

I see why he is your ex. You are deserving of much better.
I hope it works out well for you and your dd.

I think he's put you in an impossible situation on purpose so that you have to be the bad guy whatever you choose. Of course neither should go. Its just a game/powertrip to him. So protect your children by keeping them away and don't give a toss what other people think. As long as you do what's best for your DC it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks x

Well if both children want yo ho I'd tell him to accommodate SEN child's needs otherwise, as wedding ceremonies are public events open to all, you will take both children to the ceremony and then leave.
I would also make sure the most gossipy members of the family/friends knew exactly why I was doing this prior to leaving.

Honestly sounds like he doesn't want her there at all tbh, he sounds a complete arse!

Haven't RTFT, but even going by your first post their dad doesn't even deserve them in his life, never mind at his wedding, he sounds an absolute arse. But how sad for your DC, I'm so sorry.

Don't allow this bastard to abuse your children. Keep them away from him. He wan't to divide them, that is so harmful.

Hahahaha! That was a complete slip after trying to multi task. I have two daughters.