To say something now or leave it to see if I hear from the school - DD misgendered a teacher

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

DD is 11 in year 7. She had a non-binary teacher who she has to refer to as ‘Mx Surname’ (pronounced Mix). When she started she said “It’s obvious she’s a woman as she has boobs and a woman’s voice” but that they were told they must only refer to her as Mx. She thought it was a load of nonsense (as do I) but I told her that it’s best not to ruffle feathers and just go along with it because I don’t want her to be in trouble but I thought I’d have to keep a beady eye out for any problems.

On Friday afternoon she came back from school panicking because she accidentally called this teacher Miss when doing the register. They have to say “Here Mx” when their names are called and she said “Here Miss”. The teacher said “Really DDName, I have been your teacher for 12 weeks now, you know my pronouns!” And moved on. DD said she (DD) went bright red and felt embarrassed.

I have gone back and forth over the weekend, I’m really torn between saying something and leaving it because I don’t want DD to be a target because I’ve pissed a teacher off, or just be labelled a horrible bigot (let’s face it school will not see my POV). It’s a subject she absolutely adores as well so I don’t want her to have any backlash because she struggles with certain subjects and so lives for the few she enjoys including this one.

So Im wondering if I should email the school saying children should not be shamed for “misgendering”, this person is an adult and should be a bit more resilient and not expect children to put aide their subconscious and shirk reality, or should I wait to see if there’s any backlash before doing that? Obviously if there is I’ll defend DD to the hilt but I am thinking about getting ahead of the game as the whole thing really pisses me off.

YABU = say something now
YANBU = wait it out

Also that the teacher wants to be referred to as 'they/them'. So exhausting isn't it.

It's only a big deal if you make it. Yes, your daughter will be embarrassed, but like it or not we live in a world where everyone has the right to choose how they are referred to. I personally like it. Even if you struggle with non-binary people around, your daughter will have to grow old in a world where this is the norm, so don't make it into an issue - your daughter's generation is the future, they have to learn how to live and remember who is referred to how. I would therefore say don't make a big deal out of it. If your daughter is sent home in floods of tears that's a different thing; but a teacher is within their rights to teach, and a little embarrassment is not going to destroy her mind. Reinforce her ability to remember at home by using the pronoun yourself. It's not all about what we like as parents; our job is to prepare our children for the world in which they will be living, not our ideal world.

Are you claiming the 11 yo child deliberately used a different form of address than that which the teacher prefers?
Were you there?

and how is it wrong for a parent to express her opinion regarding gender ideology within the family at home?

is there no place where we can speak freely anymore?

"The tide is finally turning"

It really is. No person in the UK should be expected to comply with a person's philosophical belief about themselves. It is actually disrespectful for a person to insist that other people, particularly children, act as if they believe that philosophical belief as well. What other titles bestowed by philosophical beliefs should we reprimand children for not using correctly?

BemusedCelery

The teacher wasn't teaching.
The DD wasn't messing around.

I have gone back and forth over the weekend, I’m really torn between saying something and leaving it because I don’t want DD to be a target because I’ve pissed a teacher off, or just be labelled a horrible bigot (let’s face it school will not see my POV).

Why would you need to “say something”? Your daughter got something wrong, she was corrected - The End.

You talk about resilience. Well, this won’t be the last time someone snaps at your daughter. Maybe the teacher was a bit harsher than ideal, but would you be “really torn” if they’d snapped at your daughter for talking in class or not concentrating? You just want to make your little point because you personally find it “ridiculous” that someone wants to use a gender neutral pronoun.

I usually have no time for this kind of stuff BUT I don't think the teacher said anything wrong. It would be the same as a married teacher saying no I am Mrs Fox not Miss Fox. This has nothing to do with the gender of the person at all. It is just to do with titles.

With all that's going on in schools I really hope they don't waste time and energy pursuing any sort of action regarding this. Pupils call teachers the wrong name/title by accident all the time - one of my son's teachers was also a sports coach, who went by her first name when coaching, and when someone accidentally used her first name in class she just corrected them and moved on. No issue.

There is an appropriate way to correct a child within a class setting whatever the error.
Deliberately humiliating a child in front of her peers is not appropriate.
Yes you need to raise this with the school (or make a note of time, date and incident should you need to refer to it in the future)
Teacher's are classically misnamed for all sorts of reasons - it is purely accidental and just one of those things. It isn't personal and this teacher shouldn't be taking it that way.
Imo they shouldn't be allowed to use the Mx within the school setting. Particularly when someone is clearly male or female. It is too confusing for children.

Personally I'd write an email of complaint. That teacher has no right to force her belief system onto a class of vulnerable children.

She has a right to her belief and can ask to be called Mix if she wants. They have a right to their beliefs and can refer to her as Miss if they want.

It's worse than trying to force them to comply with a religious belief, because we now know from the Cass review that there's a massive social contagion element to gender ideology. It's also becoming clear that puberty blockers and cross sex hormones have horrific side effects.

@EvilsElsasPetSnowman I agree with you about what you tell your DD re gender.

kids call teachers the wrong gender or name all the time. They're with different teachers all day, she did nothing any different than call Mx Mum. It was an accident, the stupid teacher embarassed her instead of just letting it go, it's not like she's done it frequently.

Mx is so close to miss & expecting people to remember that when she looks & sounds female, always remembering to pander to the Mx is expecting far too much. We ALL use visual cues, mx could help by presenting male. You can tell them that IF DD gets in trouble at any time. BUT id just leave it for now, no point stiring the pot.

id tell DD to just say 'here'. If the teacher doesn't like that, tough. Ideally DD would say that she's doing that so the teacher doesn't humiliate her again when her eye & quicker than her memory!!

I would just ask your daughter to respond, "Here", without adding anything else.

It is nonsense and kids don't need to have this presented as a 'thing'. Shame on the school for indulging it.

I would though get my response to the school prepared in advance and not give it unless it does blow up.

The teacher gently corrected her for getting her name wrong. Not sure what else you want? I wouldn't call that 'shaming'. It going to happen to basically everyone on the planet at some point in their lives. Your dd need to be more resilient if that 'shamed' her.

BrightonFrock
You just want to make your little point because you personally find it “ridiculous” that someone wants to use a gender neutral pronoun.

Its not a pronoun, its a title.

Would you comment to a child if they said Miss though?

OP is entitled to her opinion and is entitled to express this opinion in her own home to her own child

What a world we are living in, tell you daughter to ignore this lunacy and carry on as normal, if this teacher makes a deal out of it make and official complaint and stick to a slip of the tongue.

Have you ever had a teacher tell you off for no good reason in front of everyone? I have, and it is humiliating. The teacher took their own private issues out on a young child in front of her peers. It was a moment to make the whole class fall into line or risk the same embarrassment over a personal idealism and nothing to do with their education.

I have a name that was confused by many a teacher (not common in the UK and certainly not where I’m from at all). Imagine I had stood up to a teacher and said ‘excuse me, my name is not Natalie, it’s Natalia*, you’ve known me for three months now and you should know better’ in front of the whole class. I’d have been down the head of year’s office for trying to embarrass the teacher when there would have been many better ways to deal with it.

*Not my real name, obviously.

It was just a slip of the tongue I hope. Just move on. I don't think the teacher 'shamed' your daughter. She just pointed something out. If you make a big deal of it it will turn into something bigger than it needs to be.

It doesn’t sound like the teacher was making a big fuss about it at all but you are in danger of doing so- just let it go, the teacher will already have moved on

Don’t forget to tell her the moon is made of Stilton cheese (with juice from leaking cranberries when reddish). The earth is flat as a pancake, and if you try to fly or sail far on ship you’ll fall off the edge into an abyss.

All hurricanes, and environmental disasters, including earthquakes and volcanic eruptions are the wrath of the Gods. People will have upset the Gods if there is flooding etc.

You should teach her that as many bs impossible things are to be given their due respect. Even if others have to be forced to kow-tow to such bunkum. Falsity is kind. Telling such lies is an act of kindness.

If it was a genuine slip up you'd have a point but given your obvious personal views about this, and that I suspect.its something that has come up clearly.with DD given your comments even in your OP pre this incident re ruffling feathers, I wouldn't be surprised if there is more to this and it was purposeful. You're starting off from a difficult position defending her when, to be frank, you're doing it from the standpoint of someone who is bigoted.

I get what you are saying completely. Generally I think if I've offended someone then I should apologise because it's an issue to them. I might not necessarily agree with it however. However I do also think in this case that the teacher should have handled it better. Snapping at a student and making them feel an inch tall is wrong.

It will definitely cause more problems for her if you make a fuss about this.

I don’t think you are helping her with all the disapproval at home towards her teacher.

You may not agree with the teacher wanting to be called mx but this isn’t on a par with a transgender issue such as male athletes being involved in female sports for example and she is her teacher and so has to respect her.

Additionally, you weren’t there so don’t really know the tone your daughter used which may actually have been rude, the teacher’s comment may have been more lighthearted than reported.

If she is having problems then maybe take her mind off things by introducing her to a new hobby or sport or doing something together than she enjoys. Something more positive than disapproval towards the teacher.

I doubt this happened. The students will say "here" or "present". They won't add anything else.
What's the truth?