To say something now or leave it to see if I hear from the school - DD misgendered a teacher

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

DD is 11 in year 7. She had a non-binary teacher who she has to refer to as ‘Mx Surname’ (pronounced Mix). When she started she said “It’s obvious she’s a woman as she has boobs and a woman’s voice” but that they were told they must only refer to her as Mx. She thought it was a load of nonsense (as do I) but I told her that it’s best not to ruffle feathers and just go along with it because I don’t want her to be in trouble but I thought I’d have to keep a beady eye out for any problems.

On Friday afternoon she came back from school panicking because she accidentally called this teacher Miss when doing the register. They have to say “Here Mx” when their names are called and she said “Here Miss”. The teacher said “Really DDName, I have been your teacher for 12 weeks now, you know my pronouns!” And moved on. DD said she (DD) went bright red and felt embarrassed.

I have gone back and forth over the weekend, I’m really torn between saying something and leaving it because I don’t want DD to be a target because I’ve pissed a teacher off, or just be labelled a horrible bigot (let’s face it school will not see my POV). It’s a subject she absolutely adores as well so I don’t want her to have any backlash because she struggles with certain subjects and so lives for the few she enjoys including this one.

So Im wondering if I should email the school saying children should not be shamed for “misgendering”, this person is an adult and should be a bit more resilient and not expect children to put aide their subconscious and shirk reality, or should I wait to see if there’s any backlash before doing that? Obviously if there is I’ll defend DD to the hilt but I am thinking about getting ahead of the game as the whole thing really pisses me off.

YABU = say something now
YANBU = wait it out

🤣 mine are like two paracetamol on an ironing board

It depends on the school. I worked at one where it was always "Yes, Miss!" for 16 yrs. I moved to a promoted post in another school and no one there used "Miss" or "Sir" at all.

Yes but a name is different. You could call yourself a name that was traditionally used by the opposite sex and it would just be an unusual choice of name. By expecting people to call her 'Mx', this teacher is expecting the children to accept that a new category of humans exist, who are neither male nor female, which is obviously not remotely true, and to learn that refusal to accept this untruth will get you told off. I don't think that's a good thing to teach 8 year-olds, personally.

I have a ‘formally correct’ title - used by the bank - and a ‘teaching’ title - used when I am in work.

‘Miss’ is neither of these. On occasion, when I’ve been ‘Miss’ed once too often, I will comment that they do know I’m
’my teaching title’ not ‘Miss’. Never in a nasty way, just because I am not, and never have been, ‘Miss Can’t’.

Sometimes, if someone finds out my ‘formally correct’ title, they may use it in school, at which point I will tend to say that, in school, I have chosen to use my teaching title, so would prefer them to use that. Like if they called my by my first name, I would say that in school my name is ‘title Can’t’

NONE of the above is in any way gender-related - but it is to show that people can choose titles, and can perfectly politely and reasonably ask that they be used. I’d treat the request for ‘Mx’ as the same, and consider gentle correction and discussion of the right to be called what one chooses to be called to be reasonable.

But that's not how THIS teacher handled it.

I get misgendered all the time, I choose to wear masculine looking clothes and generally have pretty short hair. Not once had it occurred to me to make a big deal out of it. This was clearly a slip of the tongue. What makes this teacher so insecure to have to challenge an 11 year old? It’s ridiculous, and just highlights how the teacher’s identity is built around children being forced to lie. I think it’s pretty sick, and I feel very sorry for your DD.

You seem to have got the wrong end of the stick. It wasn’t the OP who is making a fuss. It’s the teacher.

Tell her whenever she looks at that teacher, to think, “that is a MIXED up person”. Then she is less likely to slip up.

If your daughter felt humiliated, talk to the school. No need to mention that you're GC, or any pronoun business: you are simply telling the school that a member of staff made your daughter embarrassed about a simple mistake that kids make all the time. Staff should not make children embarrassed, regardless of the subject. That would be the focus of my complaint, not the name thing.

Good lord though, where do these fragile people come from. They seem to forget that we married women have had people call us by the wrong name since forever, and we are generally not that bothered about it. Because it's just normal and isn't a personal attack. Heck, I've inadvertently called myself my old name, despite having had my married name for several decades. If they want to know about being called the wrong name, we are the experts!

Or Lady...

Ffs! What a load of utter crap to put your DD, and any other child through. I would be cross for making your DD so anxious about this.

I vividly recall shouting “Yes Dad” to my form teacher in secondary school. I wasn’t paying much attention and was mortified! Here Miss is perfectly reasonable and I would be supporting my DD is standing up for herself on this one.

Women who used Ms didn't claim to be sexless that they are neither men nor women which is clearly nonsense. Everyone has a sex.

Women who used Ms weren't part of an insidious ideology that has led to women's single sex spaces being removed and vulnerable (often autistic) children being encouraged into a belief system which leads them to want to remove healthy body parts.

There is literally no comparison.

My year 6 teacher was a Ms. This was the 1990s.

She was annoyed when anyone called her Mrs, as she was well within her rights to be.

People have the right to be called what they like and correct people who are not doing that.

If you email the school to say, "my daughter was corrected on something she got incorrect so I'm complaining about it" you're going to look pathetic.

I'm in my 60s and have only seen it recently. I first saw "Ms" in the '70s.

You do know that it is complete lawful to have gender critical views and not subscribe to GI theory? Children should not be forced to follow any belief system!

Of course she was! She could have just said 'mix' & carried on. She didn't need to say what she did!!

They're not. No child will be punished because of this.

One school I worked in years ago had the students call women "Madam". It seemed a bit funny at the time - I didn't ever quite get used to enormous teenage boys saying "But Madam...". But I guess it works in a "dear Sir or Madam" kind of way.

it's like someone has offered you a mini snickers bar and your refusal has been a lecture on the slave trade.

i don't know how you live your life, more leaps than an Olympic high jumper. it must be exhausting to be so angry all the time.

Rubbish

.

Its a wonder kids get to learn anything with this sort of rubbish going on in schools

‘So have you pulled your daughter out of RE classes? Isn’t believing that a big bearded man in the sky controls our destiny a far bigger delusion than someone asking for people to use a gender neutral title?’

Its a long, long time since ‘RE’ classes taught children to believe in a ‘big bearded man in the sky ! * ( If they ever did, I don’t think this is how Christians think of their God). RE in my county includes information about Hindu, Islam, Baha’i, Judaism as well as various Christian denominations, it often includes ‘discussion’ about societal attitudes to sexual morality and general behaviour .

• certain faith schools excepted, although I don’t think they go in for the bearded man concept either.

It doesn't, really. Have no fear!

I was made to stand on a desk and was humiliated in front of my peers because I spoke too loudly. This was in the 80's it still hurts me now. So I definitely think anyone who decides they want to teach children should not bring their own agenda to the classroom in any shape or form.