To say something now or leave it to see if I hear from the school - DD misgendered a teacher

[EvilsElsasPetSnowman]

DD is 11 in year 7. She had a non-binary teacher who she has to refer to as ‘Mx Surname’ (pronounced Mix). When she started she said “It’s obvious she’s a woman as she has boobs and a woman’s voice” but that they were told they must only refer to her as Mx. She thought it was a load of nonsense (as do I) but I told her that it’s best not to ruffle feathers and just go along with it because I don’t want her to be in trouble but I thought I’d have to keep a beady eye out for any problems.

On Friday afternoon she came back from school panicking because she accidentally called this teacher Miss when doing the register. They have to say “Here Mx” when their names are called and she said “Here Miss”. The teacher said “Really DDName, I have been your teacher for 12 weeks now, you know my pronouns!” And moved on. DD said she (DD) went bright red and felt embarrassed.

I have gone back and forth over the weekend, I’m really torn between saying something and leaving it because I don’t want DD to be a target because I’ve pissed a teacher off, or just be labelled a horrible bigot (let’s face it school will not see my POV). It’s a subject she absolutely adores as well so I don’t want her to have any backlash because she struggles with certain subjects and so lives for the few she enjoys including this one.

So Im wondering if I should email the school saying children should not be shamed for “misgendering”, this person is an adult and should be a bit more resilient and not expect children to put aide their subconscious and shirk reality, or should I wait to see if there’s any backlash before doing that? Obviously if there is I’ll defend DD to the hilt but I am thinking about getting ahead of the game as the whole thing really pisses me off.

YABU = say something now
YANBU = wait it out

Well I’m only speaking from my own experience and am in my 40s and have definitely only been aware of it recently.

The teacher should have been a grown up and spoken to your DD separately.

Human beings are from an extremely early age intrinsically able to tell male from female. It's why even if I go out in a tracksuit with a baseball cap on and no make up people can tell I'm a woman. Then we have our whole lives using the English language a certain way and a whole school system where we're taught female teachers are miss and male teachers are Mr/sir. It's no wonder people make innocent mistakes

I remember when I as about 7, I had to write lines for calling my teacher Mrs so&so instead of Mrs. That was 50 years ago.

I was a Ms for a while...I was married and using my own name, rather than my husband's. Turned out that the kids thought that "Ms" indicated that you'd been divorced!

I'm right there with you!!

"I'm sorry, DD. That must have been awkward for you, but try not to worry. Mistakes happen and you didn't mean it, so try to move on."

If you go 'up the school' for every slight a teacher throws at your kid, you would probs be there quite a lot. Everyone has a story of the sarky teacher. Just as in life, you will meet all kinds of tricky characters.

Treat it as cockup, not conspiracy and things will be easier.

"To stay with the religion example, would you deliberately call a vicar “Mr” rather than “Reverend” just because you’re not a Christian?"

Probably. Because their title relates to their particular faith. Would you use the title of a leader of a satanic worshipping religion? Is there a list of religions that people should respect titles for?

There was one when I did supply in a particular school a couple of years ago. Never met him, but his classroom had a nameplate with a cartoon pic of a bearded person and "Mx [Name"].

If you can afford to, remove her and educate privately. You will not have to put up with this bullshit.

I would crawl over hot coals to keep my kids out of the state school system.

But it is unlikely that the DD did this deliberately.
I taught for 15+ yrs and I can't remember a week when I didn't get called by the wrong honourific by children aged 10 to 17. If the teacher in the OP is going to have issues with this then maybe she/they/them/it should think about not being a teacher.
I also know of a teacher that goes by reverend, a confirmed atheist, but using the title means that parents are less likely to be nasty to him.
I am all for respecting the teachers honourific, especially as Mx has been around for years. But the teacher needs to either be thicker skinned or just chill.

I will also say FYI, that the only times in the schools that I have worked in, that this has been an issue has been with non-binary and Trans teachers, who seem to forget what their main purpose in school is.

It sounds like an honest mistake on her part. She just shouted out a response. It could have just as easily been Here Sir (or whatever they call men) or Here Mum. My dc often call me Mrs (whatever teacher’s name). She wasn’t trying to be hurtful by the sound of it. The teacher is being a bit of a jerk honestly, because it’s a mistake that lots of adults easily make, let alone 11 year olds. I’m very pro-trans btw and do not have a drop of gender critical blood in me. 😂 But sometimes everyone makes mistakes.

I do think it’s worth her speaking to the teacher, if she hasn’t already, just to apologise and say it was a mistake. I am a Dr. Sometimes I get emails addressed ‘hey (my first name)’ from students. I’m not precious about it because I don’t have people shitting on what I’ve asked them to call me all the time. But I’d look very kindly on any student who was like, oops, sorry, I made a mistake and should have been a bit more careful and polite and I’ll make sure to call you Dr (surname) from now on.’

I think there was no need for the teacher to snap. I imagine loads of teachers get an automatic "yes miss" when they're a sir, or "yes sir" when they're a miss. Plus the occasional "yes mum". It sounds like it was the first time it happened, not like your Dd consistently refuses to say Mx. The teacher needs to get a grip over what sounds like an honest mistake that will happen to teachers all the time.

But I wouldn't contact the school about it.

The school doesn’t begin with a K, does it?…

Totally agree

If it was the first time and an accident she gets the benefit of the doubt, however if it was done deliberately to be cheeky (and happens again) then she faces whatever consequence is given for being cheeky to teachers.

Whatever the pupil's (and her mother's) feelings about it being ridiculous to call the teacher Mx should be kept at home; it's basic courtesy to call someone their preferred title and name

@WearyAuldWumman gawd. I hope you set them straight. There's no pronoun that indicates divorce, and if there was there would need to be a male equivalent!

I hadn't heard of this title until reading this thread.

Haven't rtht but if your dd apologised at the time then the matter is over. I work in education and always think that people can identity as whatever they choose but should not be offended if others make a genuine mistake. One student was transitioning female to male but was still very feminine. A few times staff got the pronoun wrong but we apologised straight away as it wasn't intentional

😳
I hate this world I have been thrown into.

If it really was a genuine mistake, then no, it wasn't rude or disrespectful. Mistakes can happen, even after a reasonably lengthy amount of time. I've occasionally accidentally addressed someone by the wrong name, after years of knowing them. Sometimes if something's on your mind and you're not completely focused, it happens.

Why don’t they just use their first names like almost every other profession in the country

No. We need to push back on this nonsense.

In particular we need to push back against the maliciousness that goes alongside it for those that slip up. They're children FFS.

I called my first boss Sir infront of everyone in the work lift as it was so ingrained. Thank goodness no one said anything and just ignored it as I just blushed bright red

I would hope that she wouldn't.

I'm probably retired now. Did a bit of supply in January, but I think that I'm finished now. In 40 yrs of teaching, not once have I heard a recently married teacher getting snappy over a child forgetting to use her married title and name.

Anyone who did would - quite rightly be seen by other staff members as unnecessarily mean.

U do remember having a Ms (she had us pronounce it as mizz, had us practise it and pulled us up constantly) many years ago. Most of us rolled our eyes as frankly we didn't care is it was Ms, miss or Mrs nearly all female teachers got miss.