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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asking for money

646 replies

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 09:16

Good Morning All,

I have been advised by another friend to post on here for some unbiased advice, so here I am.

Bit of back story on myself. Single mum working full time, my daughters father decided to die on me 10 years ago so no help from him (sorry for my dark humour) - got 30k in an inheritance pay out last Jan. I have never had spare money- I have enough to get by, but never any savings etc. This money has obviously given me a lovely boost.

The June after I received the money I had a message from one of my best friends saying she was in trouble and needed to borrow 6k urgently or she would lose her house. She promised I would have it back the following month. She did not pay it back and it got to the awkward stage of her never mentioning it where I had to bring it up. She kept promising weekly that she would pay the money into my account that Friday. It never came- there was always an excuse of why she couldn't pay. It got extremely stressful and the excuses of why she couldn't became ridiculous.

Anyway, it got to the point that she was going on luxury holidays and bought a new car so I met up with her and flat out said it was causing me a lot of stress and I was panicking it was not coming back. I know people say not to lend money you don't have spare but honestly I thought the friendship was strong.

Long story short she sent it back, I had a discussion about how it had made me feel mugged off and we moved on. I made a vow to myself never to lend money again.

She has messaged me this morning asking to borrow 4k again as she has overspent on something and is unable to pay off a debt on her mortgage again and is saying she will pay it back next week.

I now feel awkward and disappointed. I am not lending it to her after the stress of last time and I am just very upset she seems to be seeing me as a cash cow- despite knowing how much I have struggled and this is the first time I have been able to provide stability and a stable plan for my daughters future.

Now I also feel like I should be helping her as the money is there (but it is not spare money to me- it's sitting there but it's allocated in savings to something), but I do not want to go through this process again with her of trying to get it back.

Thankyou.

OP posts:
RedVelvetIcing · 02/12/2024 17:17

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 15:57

She has replied and said nice one for making me feel really awkward.

Hahaha. Tell her that’s her own doing.

DarkDarkNight · 02/12/2024 17:18

Absolutely not! She has a cheek even asking. She needs to get her finances in order and prioritise her mortgage not fancy cars and luxury holidays.

She probably thinks having debt you the 6K back, albeit reluctantly, it is her money to call in as she needs it.

29b11 · 02/12/2024 17:19

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 15:57

She has replied and said nice one for making me feel really awkward.

Always what cheeky fuckers do.

Ask for something ludicrous, then have a stampy tantrum when you say no.

DarkDarkNight · 02/12/2024 17:20

Just saw your update, well done on sending her a clear message. How cheeky to accuse you of making her feel awkward when she put you in a very uncomfortable position.

tachetastic · 02/12/2024 17:21

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 15:57

She has replied and said nice one for making me feel really awkward.

Yeah, she's the expert at doing that.

It sounds like your friend has two settings: days away from losing her home and then holidaying in the Maldives. She needs to find a way of saving money when she has it so she can afford things when she doesn't, rather than relying you to tide her over until things get better.

I know it sounds patronising, but you really are helping her to learn to help herself.

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2024 17:22

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 15:57

She has replied and said nice one for making me feel really awkward.

Cheeky cow, given how incredibly awkward she made it when failing to repay you!

Fireworknight · 02/12/2024 17:23

Stick to your guns. You're not responsible for finding her lifestyle and your money isn’t her money to spend.

it’s a biting a cheek from her to say she feels awkward, considering what she’s put you through.

TeeBee · 02/12/2024 17:25

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 10:44

I took some of my husbands attitude through spirit lol. He would have told her to F off and stop taking the p* out of me because I like helping people when I can.

I said- Morning, unfortunately after the debacle of my loan to you last time it took a lot for me to continue the friendship as was. The fact that you see the money I have kept for my child (knowing the panic I have had for years about not being able to fund her future) as an ATM for your irresponsible spending has solidified your view of my family to me. Please do not ask for money again and I think we should take a break from our friendship, as you know after all I have been through I value my friends deeply and I feel this is no longer being reciprocated.

What an excellent message! Good for you.

AdventuresOfCat · 02/12/2024 17:27

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 09:16

Good Morning All,

I have been advised by another friend to post on here for some unbiased advice, so here I am.

Bit of back story on myself. Single mum working full time, my daughters father decided to die on me 10 years ago so no help from him (sorry for my dark humour) - got 30k in an inheritance pay out last Jan. I have never had spare money- I have enough to get by, but never any savings etc. This money has obviously given me a lovely boost.

The June after I received the money I had a message from one of my best friends saying she was in trouble and needed to borrow 6k urgently or she would lose her house. She promised I would have it back the following month. She did not pay it back and it got to the awkward stage of her never mentioning it where I had to bring it up. She kept promising weekly that she would pay the money into my account that Friday. It never came- there was always an excuse of why she couldn't pay. It got extremely stressful and the excuses of why she couldn't became ridiculous.

Anyway, it got to the point that she was going on luxury holidays and bought a new car so I met up with her and flat out said it was causing me a lot of stress and I was panicking it was not coming back. I know people say not to lend money you don't have spare but honestly I thought the friendship was strong.

Long story short she sent it back, I had a discussion about how it had made me feel mugged off and we moved on. I made a vow to myself never to lend money again.

She has messaged me this morning asking to borrow 4k again as she has overspent on something and is unable to pay off a debt on her mortgage again and is saying she will pay it back next week.

I now feel awkward and disappointed. I am not lending it to her after the stress of last time and I am just very upset she seems to be seeing me as a cash cow- despite knowing how much I have struggled and this is the first time I have been able to provide stability and a stable plan for my daughters future.

Now I also feel like I should be helping her as the money is there (but it is not spare money to me- it's sitting there but it's allocated in savings to something), but I do not want to go through this process again with her of trying to get it back.

Thankyou.

I experienced this with a friend OP and got much the same answer as you did, blaming me for making it awkward, when I said no and explained why. We are no longer friends. Some people really have no shame and feel entitled to everything.

DoorsClosed · 02/12/2024 17:27

Please, please don’t lose your resolve and lend her the money. I think you should walk away from this friendship. She has shown you who she is.

ChimneyRock · 02/12/2024 17:28

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 15:57

She has replied and said nice one for making me feel really awkward.

You haven't "made" her feel anything. SHE is responsible for her own feelings and if she's feeling awkward then she needs to ask herself why.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2024 17:29

I can't believe she came crawling asking that of a widow the first time. Absolutely shocking. This time round the friendship would be over for me and I would sent her a last message telling her exactly what I thought of her. Tell her that the money is invested for your daughter's future as she no longer as 2 parents. Tell her you don't need another child (her) to pay out for.

SalsaLights · 02/12/2024 17:31

ChimneyRock · 02/12/2024 17:28

You haven't "made" her feel anything. SHE is responsible for her own feelings and if she's feeling awkward then she needs to ask herself why.

Show quote history

This.

If she's feeling awkward then she ought to look at herself and wonder why. You aren't a bank and she's no friend.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2024 17:31

That money that was left is a tiny amount in comparison to what he would have provided for you both over his lifetime, and it's really not going to let you live a comfortable lifestyle at all. It's a year's average salary. What about all the other years ahead?

Cheeky bloody bitch.

Trickabrick · 02/12/2024 17:32

I’d reply back “I’m sorry you feel that way but maybe you can imagine how incredibly awkward I felt having to repeatedly ask you to repay the last loan I gave you”.

sandrapinchedmysandwich · 02/12/2024 17:33

Trickabrick · 02/12/2024 17:32

I’d reply back “I’m sorry you feel that way but maybe you can imagine how incredibly awkward I felt having to repeatedly ask you to repay the last loan I gave you”.

This. Cheeky bitch

Alwayswonderedwhy · 02/12/2024 17:33

Absolutely no chance. Does she think you've inherited a larger amount maybe and have loads of spare cash. Either way she's being very cheeky.

helgel · 02/12/2024 17:33

The longer it takes for someone to repay a loan, the more they feel that they are having to give you their money. I think she kind of feels that you sort of owe her OP, because she has given you £6000.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 02/12/2024 17:34

"(dear) friend, I feel being asked made it awkward! However, please let me know how to say "no, you abused my kindness last time and I will not be put in this situation again" without it being awkward.... Just so I know for next time."

Beesandhoney123 · 02/12/2024 17:40

You say no, it's all gone. If she asks on what say house improvements and hobbies. Or you lent it to a friend:)

Say it's all gone because she won't leave you alone otherwise.

If you do go on a nice holiday etc and she asks how you got the money, just say working hard and got a good deal/ pay over time.

adriftinadenofvipers · 02/12/2024 17:40

Tough shit!! Give her nothing. You probably wouldn't ever see it back either.

House repossession don't just happen overnight either.

Time to end this 'friendship' I'd say.

Peoniesandcats · 02/12/2024 17:40

The cheek of her reply!
glad you didn’t give her more money, don’t think you would have got it back this time

PromoJoJo · 02/12/2024 17:43

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request.

adriftinadenofvipers · 02/12/2024 17:43

Goldilock1234 · 02/12/2024 15:57

She has replied and said nice one for making me feel really awkward.

Reply, "you're welcome"!

cherish123 · 02/12/2024 17:44

DO NOT give her any money. This money is for you and your daughter. She is a rubbish friend. I would want to distance myself from her. If you didn't have the 30k, she would not be asking for it.