To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

[juiceboxjuggle]

My sister-in-law (SIL), has a cat that’s… let’s just say, difficult. The cat is quite aggressive—she’s bitten me before while I was just sitting on the sofa, scratched my husband simply for sitting too close to her toy, and even leapt at people with claws out from the back of a sofa or armchair. She also has this habit of scratching legs under the table while people are eating. It’s not exactly a relaxing presence.

This Christmas, we’re staying at my parents-in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband. SIL will also be staying, and, as always, she’ll be bringing her cat. The cat is her world, and last year, when I gently suggested she keep the cat in a separate room during meals, she was really upset. She insists the cat needs to be “free to roam.”

As a result, last Christmas was stressful. Despite my best efforts to keep an eye on my two toddlers, one of them ended up with a big scratch from the cat while swinging their legs under the table—just normal kid behavior. To make matters worse, my husband has also been scratched in the past, simply because the cat was annoyed he wasn’t feeding her.

I’m dreading a repeat of last year and honestly don’t know how to handle this situation. How do I keep my kids safe without upsetting SIL again? I’d love to be able to enjoy a meal without constantly chasing the cat away or worrying about potential injuries. Any advice on how to navigate this?

I'm sharing the Reddit boat rocking story because it feels apt for the SIL situation. Long but pertinent.

Don't rock the boat.
I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Because we aren't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!
And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it, because it did .

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see that you aren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.
While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Exactly

Sorry been absent for a bit, in all honesty I haven't read all the replies but tried to skim as many as I could.

Answering a few questions I've seen...

How old is SIL? She's late 30s.

Does SIL not leave the house for work etc? She does, but never overnight, and she has declined hen dos as she won't leave the cat overnight. She cat free roams at SIL's home and therefore must free roam anywhere.

Why don't we celebrate Xmas with my family? Because I'm from a different culture where Christmas isn't a thing, my family live abroad and we go to visit them instead for significant holidays in our culture.

Which brings me onto my update...
The day after the late drive, MIL calls on video and is insisting that we must come, it won't be Xmas without the grandkids. I said that I don't want to risk the scratches so literally at the first sighting of the kitty we are leaving. MIL started saying about how SIL has had a hard year (she says this every year, hard because she's still single at Xmas), the cat is her everything and it's unfair on SIL to make her feel even worse, it's Xmas after all. SIL is crying and hugging her kitty, how could we be so heartless.
After listening to this a few times on repeat I just said that I understand it's difficult for SIL and it is Christmas - I don't want to ruin hers after a hard year. But my children are my absolute priority so I wish them a lovely Xmas but we are not coming, and with that said I'm booking tickets to my home country. DH got very cross, said if I go then he'll never forget it... so Xmas this year won't be very Xmassy for the kids (my mum literally said "will you help me bake the duck like it should be at Christmas?" so I had to explain it's a turkey and that yes I will) but at least it'll be safe!

SIL cried, MIL sympathised. MIL is still staying there and doing SIL's cleaning and chores during the day whilst SIL works then comforting her in the evenings because SIL is upset that we are treating her cat so poorly (by wanting it excluded).

The funny thing is, this came out of one of their cousins' mouth a few years ago with whom I am good friends... 'it's time for SIL biologically to be bossing a man around, but as there is no man she tries to control the parents and brother"
Referring to the fact that women nag their husbands and play with their moods to get their way (why are you being quiet? Oh it's nothing) but here she does the same to the parents

I'm sorry op , it's such a bloody mess and it really doesn't need to be

Tin foil is better

My cats were terrified

I'm a single cat lady with two cats - I get a catsitter over Christmas for two visits a day!
SIL is clearly mentally unwell, if she wanted solutions she'd come up with some. The cat would probably relish some time away from her. MIL is a manipulative twat. Have a lovely peaceful Christmas.

Well done sticking to your guns. They sound batshit.

So is it just you and DC going to your parents for Christmas Duck? Or is DH going too?

He's not confirmed either way.
It'll be a long flight with the 2 of them if it's just me but worth it!

The poor cat is in a strange place and there's all these people that she's not sure of, no wonder she plays up.

I'm not on cat defence but it explains it's behavior. You can get automatic cat feeders so if she really loved the cat she'd leave it at home.

so Xmas this year won't be very Xmassy for the kids (my mum literally said "will you help me bake the duck like it should be at Christmas?" so I had to explain it's a turkey and that yes I will) but at least it'll be safe!

Nah have duck. Much nicer than turkey! We always have duck or goose.

Not the point of the thread, I know.

Christmas duck - love it! 😂

I said that I don't want to risk the scratches so literally at the first sighting of the kitty we are leaving. MIL started saying about how SIL has had a hard year (she says this every year, hard because she's still single at Xmas), the cat is her everything and it's unfair on SIL to make her feel even worse, it's Xmas after all. SIL is crying and hugging her kitty, how could we be so heartless.
After listening to this a few times on repeat I just said that I understand it's difficult for SIL and it is Christmas - I don't want to ruin hers after a hard year. But my children are my absolute priority so I wish them a lovely Xmas but we are not coming

So if I've got this right, within the same conversation you first said you'd go and then that you wouldn't? And this after all that's gone on?

I realise of course that they'll wail and moan and do exactly as they want on pain of creating one hell of a scene, but with the best will in the world that doesn't sound like very clear messaging to me

No reason ILS should always get Christmas just because your parents are from a different culture. I am sure they will still love seeing how excited the kids get and will appreciate it tremendously.

I am also a mad cat lady and wouldn’t dream of forcing my cats to another house with me. They aren’t dogs, they would hate it. Given how neurotic SIL is, it’s no wonder the cat is untrustworthy.

Your SIL is giving us Single Mad Cat Ladies a bad name!

I hope DH realises he is being manipulated by MIL:SIL and joins you. If not, you will still have a great time.

My understanding is that OP made it clear that their attendance was conditional on no cat roaming around. When MIL and SIL wailed and gnashed and said that wasn’t fair, how could OP be such an unfeeling cat auntie, she said fine, that settles it then, we will go to X and have a lovely time without being mauled or surrounded by utter nut jobs.

I may have misunderstood though…

Well done you for sticking to your guns on this OP, your children have to come first and frankly I think it is an odd thing to do to say you really love an animal but then force it in to stressful situations like this.

I absolutely adore my cat - and because I adore her I wouldn't dream of dragging her off visiting houses with me! Her welfare comes before my desire to have her with me at all times.

I feel a bit sorry for the SIL because it sounds like she desperately wants attention, but this isn't the way to sort things out.

Yes I said that we will go, and as soon as we see the cat we are leaving (ie if the cat isn't confined to one room for the duration of our visit). MIL and SIL clearly made out that's heartless and so upsetting for SIL. Therefore, if it's not possible to keep the cat in one room where myself and children don't go, we won't be coming at all.

This cousin sounds batshit too.

Yes that's how I read it, but I thought (though could be mistaken) that you'd already said you weren't going ... in which case what would be the point of circling back to "as long as the cat's not there"?

@juiceboxjuggle WTFyour spineless H is thinking allowing the psychotic cat to scratch HIS children to satisfy his mad mother and sister?
If the cat takes an eye out of the child will he be happy about it? It’s alright to allow for HIS children to be hurt?

He’s bonkers but that only shows how brainwashed he is in entertaining the whole idea of cat ruling the Christmas

The irony that SIL is affronted for her poor cat… whilst not recognising that the cat is probably reactive due to the stress of being out of her normal routine and environment and would probably much rather be at home. FFS.

DH got very cross, said if I go then he'll never forget it..

I would give him the death stare and say 'And I will never forget how clear you've made it that your parents and sister are more important than me and your own children. NEVER' and leave the room. Seriously, he should be scared as hell at how much he's riled up his nice calm wife.

DH has got a bit of a cheek really since you are dragged to his parents every Christmas... a family of very self centred individuals

Just tell SIL that there is no sane man out there that will want to enter into a relationship with such a sad cat lady and you're not prepared to put your kids at risk. The best thing for all of you is if the cat is PTS and she'll then get a lovely man who will give her lots of real human babies and you can return the chain mail trousers to the fancy dress emporium.