To expect my SIL to keep her aggressive cat away during Xmas?

[juiceboxjuggle]

My sister-in-law (SIL), has a cat that’s… let’s just say, difficult. The cat is quite aggressive—she’s bitten me before while I was just sitting on the sofa, scratched my husband simply for sitting too close to her toy, and even leapt at people with claws out from the back of a sofa or armchair. She also has this habit of scratching legs under the table while people are eating. It’s not exactly a relaxing presence.

This Christmas, we’re staying at my parents-in-law’s (PILs) house for two nights, which is non-negotiable with my husband. SIL will also be staying, and, as always, she’ll be bringing her cat. The cat is her world, and last year, when I gently suggested she keep the cat in a separate room during meals, she was really upset. She insists the cat needs to be “free to roam.”

As a result, last Christmas was stressful. Despite my best efforts to keep an eye on my two toddlers, one of them ended up with a big scratch from the cat while swinging their legs under the table—just normal kid behavior. To make matters worse, my husband has also been scratched in the past, simply because the cat was annoyed he wasn’t feeding her.

I’m dreading a repeat of last year and honestly don’t know how to handle this situation. How do I keep my kids safe without upsetting SIL again? I’d love to be able to enjoy a meal without constantly chasing the cat away or worrying about potential injuries. Any advice on how to navigate this?

It’ll be massively damaging to the psyche of many singles reading this that are not like this

Taking offence to this will depend where you are as a person. There are many many people now making the active choice to be single, it's a preference. So another way of looking at it is to actually feel sorry for the person who is attempting to insult/thinks that being single is in itself an insult. They are the people who have limited their own freedom by believing that you have to be in a relationship with a man to be happy.
So don't get insulted by it, feel sorry for them.

And what does your DH think of all this?

The more I read the more I realise it's definitely a DH problem.

This is appalling behaviour on the part of your SIL. How can she put a bloody cat over the safety of her own toddler nieces/nephews? Disgraceful! Aren't the grandparents shocked? They should damn be
I own two cats and even though they are sweet and friendly I would NEVER take them to someone else's house. Cats aren't socially portable like dogs. Dogs love people, cats love their own territory and should be left there - or a cattery when really necessary.

Ironic that by being left alone at home the cat is probably going to have the best Christmas ever, by not being dragged about everywhere.

they both need therapy. Let them do it. Let them realise how utterly, completely and totally batshit this arrangement is.

Why is MIL calling to tell you this? This is all just emotional blackmail and if your SIL can't deal with the fact that you and children won't be going to your IL's on Christmas Day, she doesn't sound capable of actually living independently.

She can still spend Christmas Day with her parents and her cat, with the cat being free to roam anywhere it wants. As she doesn't care about her cat scratching your kids, she obviously doesn't care much about them at all, so why is their absence such a deal breaker, enough to bring on an emotional crisis?

The cat is the only honest one here. It does NOT want to be away from its territory and fights back when it's away.

I would just laugh in their faces at this stage TBH. Life is too short to be ruled by a cat and its batshit owner and her enablers anymore.

But OP's SIL is focusing on the fact that she is single and therefore 'nobody's priority' to ensure that she and her cat are actually treated as top priority on Christmas Day, with their needs put above the needs of OP's children not to be scratched by an aggressive cat.

Nobody thinks that all single women behave in this emotionally unstable way. OP's MIL sounds exactly the same (crying because someone else wore the same colour outfit as her at OP's wedding) and she is married with children. It seems to be a family trait and I assume that SIL would probably behave the same way even if she had a partner but no children.

The PILs don't NEED to see the kids on Christmas Day, they WANT to... big difference. It seems that it is only PILs and SILs need that are being met

If the cat has to be treated as top priority then it stays home and has its preferences accommodated, or at least gets its own room in PIL house - this is cat care 101.
There is not even a top trumps between the humans Mum and the cat Mum as all you are actually expecting of the cat mum is to keep the cat child happy and everyone safe - exactly the same as a human mum, as if your kids could not cope with company then actually you would accommodate that by staying home or providing their own safe space at MIL plus constant monitoring they weren't attacking anyone and removing them were there to be that risk. Just happens cats have quite different needs to kids.
I can barely credit the behaviours you have to tolerate. I say this as someone who has a running joke with my kids that I loved the cat most! I would and did always remove my most crazy cat (or any cat) if anyone visiting was at risk or upset - in the actual cat's own home.
It's so, so ridiculous that I'd just stop interacting for myself and my kids, and let the DH maintain what relationship he chooses to tolerate.
I hope you get a good and peaceful Xmas - I am confident you will ensure that for your children - I do feel rather sorry for the cat too, who doesn’t get the right care it deserves, as it's actually not a child nor can it be one on the whim of a crazy owner. Has the ridiculous and poor cat parenting ever been pointed out to SIL or PIL?

They all sound unhinged apart from the OP! I say that as a cat lover (have 3!), a bad mannered cat (he avoids our children like the other plague so zero injuries) and toddlers 🤷‍♀️

Your message was perfect to the point yet fair. Their response is completely irrational, melo dramatic and selfish. Your PIL want to see their grandchildren so much they better start prioritising their safety, with a simple compromise! It's a good life lesson for them to learn as it is the season for good will to all!

Yeah good point - fair enough!

its not about being single its er reaction to it-my best friend is single good for her i say but she doesnt go round saying noone makes her a priority an cries over it

does this woman havr any freinds does she insist her cat goes to their house?

tey need therapy and i do have mh problems myself but this is anoter level

Exactly. And she’s made being single – which she characterises as “alone” and “no one’s priority” – a significant part of her personality/brand/behaviour, what-have-you. There’s no shame in being single and it’s not a pejorative, mostly being single when you don’t want to be is just luck/timing, but in this instance I think it’s fair to say, yep, this IS why she’s single. I don’t think people pointing that out are doing a blanket “lol, single people” insult; they’re specifically saying it about this one insane woman. A person who’s gone so far down the batshit rabbit hole she has to have her mother drive to her after a mere text message about her terrible cat; a person who takes her brother’s relationship as a personal slight against her own singledom.

Is the cat ginger by any chance ?? Irrelevant but all the ginger cats I know are physco !! Maybe buy it a nice bed for Christmas and get upset if he’s not in her bedroom trying it out .

SIL needs to grow the fuck up

What a nightmare. I would struggle to cope with this level of emotional intensity. I once had a friend who was similar and any reminder that she was single would set her off-I couldn’t even mention my other half or kids.

Stick to your guns but make a big deal that you’re concerned that the cat is getting too stressed. A calm room where it can relax is better for it - like you probably put the DC in another room to nap when they were babies.

Op, you SIL sound nuts and I your FIL deserves every sympathy having to put up with so much drama.
I have 3 cats that I love dearly, but if I had to choose between the comfort of my beloved cats and literally any human child I'd choose the child because anything else is bloody ridiculous. Cats are not people and shouldn't be treated like babies. They don't see their owners in the same way their nuts owners see them. Given half the chance they'll leave for a better offer and if you were on fire they wouldn't even think to piss on you. They're not even remotely as loyal as dogs (and I'm NOT a dog person). SIL needs therapy.

Just remember that SIL would likely lose her mind if one of your DC scratched and injured her cat!!!! I bet your DC would be banned then. So the same should be true for her cat.

Stand firm. They are batshit and your DH's take on this is not OK.

Oh my goodness, I couldn't deal with the SIL or MIL at all.

I can deal with quirks and eccentricities if the people involved have good qualities or are good company despite it all, so originally I was in the "chuck catnip and treats at the cat" camp. But if they are like this? So sensitive and prone to emotional manipulation? I wouldn't have the patience to start. You're a saint for even considering spending Xmas with them.

The thing is there's no point trying to placate them because, as you probably know, there will never be any pleasing them. There isn't a perfect state of affairs where they're happy and smiling throughout Xmas, let alone a state of affairs conditional on your behaviour.

Your husband has grown up being conditioned to walk on eggshells around them so I'm not sure it's as simple as him just being a spineless people-please. If he's dead set on avoiding conflict, it's probably because he's seen what "conflict" entails for his mother and sister. I think it would certainly help both of you if he unpacked that in therapy.

In the meantime the firm boundaries you've started to set are a great start. Hold the line and ignore the tantrums!

How old is SIL?

Why is it ok to upset you and the kids and not SIL?

I'd just say I am not going and neither are the kids.

Non-negotiable indeed...

And if MIL and SIL are emotional, who cares. Manipulation, that's all that is.

When she starts with her "I'm no ones priority" the only answer is "my only priority is my children and their right to a happy and injury free Christmas" she's a daft jealous arse who needs to stop being jealous of what other people have.