Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

I was wondering this too.

How long ago did you tell his mother? Isn't it a bit odd that she hasn't reacted immediately? How long would you take to contact her if it had been the other way around? I know if it were my child who's done something like that, I'd be onto it straightaway, both with the child but also the mother of the other child.

I agree that this message could just have easily been sent via text so a basic call/text only phone isn’t a guarantee.

Unless the kid who sent it admits to it, I’d be concerned that someone has grabbed his phone and typed it themselves, or the friend was bullied into sending the message. Definitely school, it’s a safeguarding issue and extremely scary. Good luck .

Bit whataboutery and victim blaming here ... this vile abusive content could have been communicated equally on a text. Lets not derail.
I don't think it's victim blaming at all. Some parents dont help their children to stay safe via their phones, they let them go on WhatsApp and Snapchat. In fact phones have given people a false sense of security.

I think they need to get to the bottom of who actually sent the text and why. If it was his friend there's a lot to unpick why he has done this.
It's an upsetting thing to have happened ed and understably the lad is going to be bewildered why is frie d has seemingly turned on him.

It is best to mention it to school. If something happens in school at least they know a bit of what's happened behind the scenes.

You're right about the phone use being the parents decision so its her responsibility to manage that.

Never underestimate the delusion and/or shock of other parents in these situations. There is one girl in my DD’s year 7 group who has been into trouble for answering back to and swearing at teachers, my DD has told me some of the awful things she’s said. But the mum had said it’s because the teachers pick on her and “It’s not Jessica’s fault she has a resting bitch face, the teachers are always telling her off because they think she’s giving them dirty looks”. Deluded

THIS. Primary school chair of governors and retired secondary headteacher here - I'd see this as a safeguarding issue with regard to the child who sent the message. If your child is worried about being called a "snitch", make it clear that you - as should any parent - regularly check his phone.

I think the points made about overestimating the reaction of the mother are salient. I told my then best friend how her son had caused great harm to my daughter. She didn’t speak to me for 2 years. She was my best friend. She even walked out of a supermarket away from me when I tried to talk to her. Never underestimate delusional protective parenting.

Agreed. My concern is that the OP is being over optimistic on assuming that the other mum will react as she woudl like her to because "she's lovely". When the chips are down and her own child is being criticised, she may not be nearly as lovely as she seems superficially.

How long ago did you tell his mother? Isn't it a bit odd that she hasn't reacted immediately?
Why is it odd? She may have not seen it yet. There's many days when I'm at home i leave my phone in one room inadvertently and get on with my day and then later find I've got several messages. Sometimes my phone is still on silent as I've forgotten to turn it back on. She could be at work, at the gym, anything
Another scenario is she is trying to find out what the hell is going on.

Your poor son; that’s a nasty message. Could it have been sent by a sibling? I’ve seen this happen unfortunately.
Definitely report to school- they need to be aware and have it on their radar. Your son will need support from them regardless of it not happening at school.
DSL should be informed.
There might be incidents at school following this message.
Good luck OP

Restating, please, please, please send an email to the Headteacher, who is likely the safeguarding lead, of your school now with the screenshot so they can start preparing for conversations tomorrow. This really is a safeguarding concern. That kind of language and telling another child to kill themselves repeatedly has all kinds of red flags all over it and there may be other issues with said child that you're not privy to.

The fact you haven't heard back from the other 'lovely mum' yet is not surprising, especially if there are other issues, and they may be preparing to go on the offensive.

Why I always suggest you go to the school and not the parents with these things. Even 'lovely mums' and 'friends' will turn in an instant if they feel their child may get into trouble.

Wtf? Talk about victim blaming! I can't believe you actually said that.

Sure. It depends on what her phone habits are. Personally I might not see an email for days, when I'm not at work - but I'd see there was a Whatsapp message for me pretty quickly.
That's why I asked rather than said that it seemed odd. There may be a perfectly sensible reason, but given we all have mobile phones, and that this should be a big issue to a mother, I'd expect her to be aware of it very quickly.
As for finding out what's going on - how long would she need to spend on that before contacting the person who sent the text? Isn't that part of "finding out what's going on"?
It's not a criminal trial - asking her son shouldn't require her to wait long before getting back in touch to say that she's seen the message and is trying to find out what her son has to say about it.

I see while I was posting that, someone else replied with this which sets it out even more clearly:
The fact you haven't heard back from the other 'lovely mum' yet is not surprising, especially if there are other issues, and they may be preparing to go on the offensive.

Remember it's also very likely that someone has "borrowed" the boy's phone and sent this as a horrible prank. I know some kids who've done this, and my grandaughter will sometimes pick up her mum's phone and send random messages.

I think you are duty bound to tell school from the last training session I had and school are duty bound to be interested.

I don’t think ten year olds should have phones by the way.

No one warrants this vile text.

If there is history of abuse from OPs DS - then the other child should have reported it not escalated and partcipated in further abuse.

This in spades

This. I do appreciate that the other 10 year old might have sent this but equally he may not have.

Well even more so that the parent of the friend should be having a conversation with her son about this behaviour.

OP speak to the school about what's happened. Hopefully they will speak to the boy who sent the message and speak to your son and make sure he is okay as this is a safeguarding issue.

They maybe able to organise a internet safety assembly and information home to other parents to look out for.

I don't have anything to add about children and social media, given the fact that I don't have children. But I do know about bullying and the sheer amount of gumption it takes to tell even a supportive grown-up what's going on. Well done to your DS for having the wisdom to know that this kind of behaviour can't be swept under the carpet, regardless of who sent the message and why. It's potentially damaging to the recipient and can have serious repercussions for the perpetrator - as pp have said, ten is still very young and there are a lot of things you can't do at that age, but you're not exempt from criminal responsibility. (Obviously, this refers to England, Wales and Northern Ireland - it's 12 in Scotland.)

It's not a criminal trial - asking her son shouldn't require her to wait long before getting back in touch to say that she's seen the message and is trying to find out what her son has to say about it.
There are stacks of reasons why she may not have responded.she maybe in shock and embarrassed and is trying to compose a reply, she could be waiting to talk to her husband, they could be out as a family on a Sunday morning, who knows but there's nothing odd about not having a reply yet.

Blimey, if it had been sent to one of my friends anyone would be lucky to have a reply by next weekend that how little they ise their phone!! 😀

I logged it with 101 when this happened to my DC. They took it very seriously, rang me, and sent an officer to the offender's house to talk to the perpetrators...I was amazed actually!

I have read all OP's posts but not the whole thread. I would tell school 100%. If this horrible bully has sent this text to your DS then he has sent something similar to other people who might not have such a wonderful relationship with their parents and may right now be considering doing what the text suggests. The school needs to find a way to communicate to all children that there are adults they can talk to, who will not judge them, if they need to.