Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

It's exactly the same in our school. Mid week slows down, Thursday evenings the messages start up for Ridays bring last day of school and the weekend so Fridays can be busy but Mondays especially.

So mucjh of this is lax parenting, they ether don't know (aren't being strict over social media, dont check phones etc) or don't care (Oh there's always falling outs" or "It'll be fine" "They're just being silly") thennifvthere are bigger concerns or a larger incident, teachers / SLT can be out of class / their role for a good chunk of time sorting out social media and or / bullying / behaviour.

Schools are filling in more and more gaps due to poor parenting, it is a big concern bit never seems to be acknowledged officiall... 'm sure most school staff will say the same.

Sorry what do you expect police and social services to do? The texts are vile but unless he has shared indecent images or broken the law, what can they do? As if social services have the man power to deal with a child sending a text with the word “pussy”.

Definitely tell school. Indicates a safeguarding need for the other child.

I wonder if someone else sent it.

Is there a chance that the ‘friends’ phone was taken by an older dc or someone else, who has used it to send the disgusting messages to try and disrupt the friendships/cause trouble for the child? If its very out of character, I would be trying to think around all the possibilities

WhatsApp is basically just a way of sending texts and photos over the internet - it's not really any different to text messages in that respect.

I know that technically they need to be 13 but I don't think it can be compared to traditional social media. And yes, anyone can contact them but the same applies to regular text messages too.

Surely you must understand that a 10 year old would not have been exposed to this message if you had not disregarded the age restrictions? This is nothing to do with parenting choices. It's common sense. We have all seen the headlines of dreadful things happening as a result of messages received on social media. There's a reason age restrictions are put in place. You are only in this predicament now as a result of giving him access to a platform he was already deemed by its creators not to be old enough to use. This isn't about complaining to other parents or schools. It's about protecting our children from being exposed to the evils of social media in the first place. Get him some Lego or something. He has a whole lifetime to be dealing with vile messages online.

I work in a primary school and I would email them the screen shot - explain it has been dealt with but you thought they should know. They can then talk to the class about online bullying etc. Often things like this are part of a wider picture and it could be really helpful for the school to know.

I would also want to delete WhatsApp as it isn't appropriate for 10 year olds but I think now you've started it'll be hard to go back on it without it seeming like a punishment.

Social media and children leaves them vulnerable to unpleasant stuff like this..
As others have said , absolutely tell the school.

What a revolting text for your son to have received.

Yes definitely tell the school. I've seen this happen and it's been dealt with swiftly and with consequence and parents have been involved. Quite right too. It's horrible. I hope your boy is OK. How did the other parent respond?

Definitely tell the school. Tell them in writing. You just don't know what the fall out might be here. You must cover all bases.

My son started secondary school and I feel sick and saddened by the extent of cruelty online. WhatsApp is the worst.

Please don't let your child anywhere near Snapchat or TikTok.

I hate this online world sometimes.

In your email to school you can say you've told the mum but want it kept an eye on. Send them the screenshot in email.

My son is also terrified ref snitching but we just had to over ride it recently for his own safety and emailed the school.

What if had been sent via SMS? Or on a piece of paper?

What changes the day of a child's 13th birthday that suddenly makes WhatsApp appropriate?

I wouldn't count on the mother being lovely, parents react really badly sometimes when their child has done something wrong..

Respectfully- I completely disagree. And this isn’t a judgement on your choices- the choices you’re making are the choices 90% of other parents are making, and that’s clearly what you think is right for your family.

In my family, I believe that my child doesn’t needs to experience social media bullying to gain strength and perspective. It’s wild to me that we give children freedom to explore the entire world online, but track their physical whereabouts in their home communities.

I’m not saying that there are easy answers to this, but my feeling is that something has gone very very wrong with society, and the choice I’m making, is that I want to withhold smartphones and social media from my child until 14, and give them as much freedom in the real world as possible. That also comes with risk, of course, but it’s the risk I prefer to take.

Is there a chance that the ‘friends’ phone was taken by an older dc or someone else, who has used it to send the disgusting messages

This is my thought. Does the boy have older siblings? No excuse of course but will highlight to you and the parents that there could be a very troubling influence, which will get worse in secondary school.

I've heard of teens taking phones and then sending abusive messages as a "joke". Obviously it isn't funny at all and they must be fairly disturbed to do so.

This was my first thought too, it may not actually have been sent by the other boy?

I would screen shot it and provide it to the school when you report the issue. And you do need to report the issue. Do NOT promise the mum of the boy that you won't, because she may ask you not to and say it's been addressed.

The child would have otherwise sent it via text, even to a Nokia burner phone. WhatsApp is just a messaging service. What did you think it was?

What have they said your child has done to warrant this vile text?

This is accurate technically, but is a gross misunderstanding of how WhatsApp is being used socially, particularly by children and young people.

Yea, an SMS does the same thing in principle- although actually on WhatsApp, features like disappearing messages and the option to delete content by the sender, adds a layer of “get out of jail” for perpetrators- but for whatever reason, WhatsApp occupies a different mental and social space for teens.

Honestly I think the “rules are rules!” Crowd distinctly lack common sense sometimes. It’s not WhatsApp that’s the problem it’s a child who has learnt language like this somewhere (to me that sound like a child who has TikTok) using one of many platforms to send a message to someone who’s meant to be his friend.

You can delete and edit texts on most phones as well though - it's not a feature that's unique to WhatsApp.

I personally wouldn't let a 10 year old use it but I don't think the criticism aimed at OP for allowing it is entirely fair.

WhatsApp isn’t social media.its messaging. And if it didn’t happen over WhatsApp it would have happened to her face or some other platform.

You can disagree with my parenting, that’s fine, I disagree with aspects yours and don’t judge you either. And I don’t feel judged so please don’t worry! My children have real world freedom too, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. But I would never ever protect them from all unpleasantness - it doesn’t do children any favours to never have them upset over something. Life throws us shit sometimes and I’d hate for them to only be dealing with it for the first time at the age of 14.

I recently discovered I can access my child's WhatsApp account through my laptop. He isn't always with me. However it's all so stressful to do this.

I'd rather the phones all exploded but my child is incredibly isolated so it's a thing we weigh up.

It's not helpful to criticise parents allowing a phone and WhatsApp in year 6. Great for parents who don't but we are living in a different world now. When every single bloody kid has one in Yr 7, it's difficult for the kids to feel included.

We trialled TTok. I'd never used it so installed myself to see and also see what child did. It was removed in a week. It's a cesspit of cruelty and narcissism. Yet because everyone else has it it's a daily request and explanation needed. I hate all of it.

Definitely tell the school!

And TBH I don’t think it’s healthy to shield them always from adverse events. Adverse events are part of life, they have to deal with them at some point.

Well, I don't know about you but I'm 50. I've been married, divorced, fallen out with friends etc and I've never had to deal with anything like this!

OP, I'm a primary teacher and I'd want to know about this.

I'd email the school, attach the screenshot and send it to the HT, DHT DSL (our lead DSL is neither of those) and the class teacher. That way, no one can 'miss' the email or forget to deal with it or not pass it on. And it ensures everyone knows exactly what has been said.

Telling someone to kill themselves is a criminal offence and 10 is the age of criminal responsibility. Children can be vicious without realising the potential consequences.