Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

Not really on topic but just FYI to everyone re WhatsApp, it has a function I’ve only just learned about via my 12 year old. They can create “channels” where they post photos & videos for friends to see - a bit like a private Tiktok or Insta account.

I’m really not a fan of this as it is frankly all about showing off and popularity contests like a lot of social media - it’s a long way removed from just messaging and keeping in contact. DD has a couple of friends whose channels are all videos of them using expensive skincare 🙄🙄🙄

I would 💯 be speaking to the school. The language and text is hugely concerning at such a young age, I would also be concerned about how he is acting with peers at school...if teaching staff are aware they can monitor.

Definitely let school know. It's a safeguarding issue. They may already have this child on their radar, and this episode helps to build the picture of what's going on in his home life. Because something is clearly going on. 10 year olds don't use that type of sexual language without learning it from somewhere/someone.

Tread very carefully with the mother of this boy too. You don't know what her home life is like either. She could be in an abusive relationship. Her child could be using language he constantly hears at home.

It's a sad situation all round but you sound like a great mum who has a great relationship with your children.

That’s can also be done on SMS services.

One thing I do ban on WhatsApp or messages is groups. They can get out of hand and turn very toxic. Unless it’s for example a group of 3 good friends.

I agree about not allowing young children to give their phone numbers to their friends, but do think mobile phones can have an important place in their safety and keeping tabs on them.

My dgs (10) has a phone, but there is a lock on it (not sure how dd was able to do this), so that it can only be used to call those she has put in the contacts list. He also can’t access his phone number, so there is zero chance he can phone any of his friends, or that they can phone him.

Well done to your son

You have done e the right thing telling the mum

I would tell the school even if you don't want anything done just to make sure the school are aware and a general assembly for all students about bullying and sending messages

did you not read OP's post, despite directly quoting it?

As she said, her DS could have been exposed to the exact same message written on a paper note (as mean girls did when I was in primary school). Focussing on 'what the creators' intended is pedantic (and likely inaccurate, the original creators have since been taken over by Meta at which point the age in the UK was lowered) - there is no minimal age to be allowed to use a phone, so the boy could have sent the exact same message via text, not whatsapp without any 'restrictions.'

Ultimately the medium of the message is not the issue, the content is.

You've made your point, OP has acknowledged other people make different decisions about phones but she's made hers after careful consideration.

There is literally nothing to indicate that her DS does not also play with lego and do other age appropriate activities, just because he also (like many ten year olds, despite you disagreeing with it) also has access to a phone.

The problem isn’t kids giving phone numbers to each IMO. It’s giving other people numbers of their friends. “Jake do you have Alistair’s number?” “yeah I’ll send it to you”. Which is why I personally prefer WhatsApp as her account is on my own device and if a text pings up from an unknown number I check who it is

With the exception of certain specific circumastances on apple iPhones, you can’t edit an sms once you’ve sent it. The recipient can delete it. But not the sender. It’s not technically possible.

But absolutely not having a go at the OP. As I said upthread, 90% of parents are doing exactly what she’s done. And absolutely bloody tonnes of us - and schools- are having these issues. There clearly are problems with kids having access to this tech, and it’s something we need to talk about.

I suspect I’m screaming into the wind on this one though!

Does the other boy have older siblings? I wonder if they got his phone and did this as a very shit joke?

Your DS has behaved very maturely in showing you. Agree with PP he can just say you read his messages regularly. I would see what the other parent says but would be inclined to contact school.

Not every school takes the same approach but my DC private prep school were very clear in a letter home to parents that they DID care what took place outside of school time between pupils (as it has the obvious knock on effect at school).

Similar incident in year 6 : parent shared disturbing messages to her son with school, it prompted a cascade of events including online safety assembly for students, more comms home to parents about checking kids phones and supervising access, and quite a bit of safeguarding / disciplinary intervention for the boy sending offensive messages.

For all the remarks about OP letting her son have WhatsApp, at the end of the day he came to her when he had a nasty message. Thats a brilliant thing, and indicative of trust both ways.

Did you hear back from the other mum OP?

I would strongly urge people with under 14s to consider “dumb phones” rather than smart phones for their kids.

Absolutely this.
I work with preteens and teens and the number of serious safety issues are caused by children having smart phones is real. Many parents love to get the kids the latest IPhone which has capacity and features kids don't need.
At a basic level we have trouble with phones getting broken and stolen. Problems escalate with issues around cyber bullying which include kids being ambushed and attacked and it is filmed and uploaded on to YouTube.Sending nudes is shockingly common with 13 to 14 year olds and where I work with have a team to support young people that have been coercive into sending pictures and also dealing with the perpetrators, who are usually, but not always, kids themselves.
Brick phones all the way imo.

The other thing I'm thinking did the boy actually send this? This is a scenario that has played out a few times. We have thought someone has sent an obscene message like this and when we've unpicked it it turns out to have been some who was jealous of the friendship and spied their opptunity to use the phone.
Parents really need to give their kids phone and Internet safety and keep them off sites such as WhatsApp and Snapchat. Saying ' oh they are a good kid and don't do anything like that' is not good enough parenting.

So would I.

I expect the police would be too busy, but a copper having chat with the child who sent such an awful message might deter him from doing it again . After all, it probably meets the threshold for an offence under the Malicious Communications Act.

This website gives great advice and guidance on setting parental controls on smartphones www.internetmatters.org/parental-controls/smartphones-and-other-devices/apple-iphone-and-ipad-parental-control-guide/#step_2

I'd ask your son for his 'permission'. He's the one who's going to feel the repercussions at school if word gets around.

Dont be ridiculous.

This YOUNG CHILD is a victim of extreme emotional violence and abuse.

The school will have a confidential process to protect your DS going forward.

They will also have safeguarding concerns for the child perpetrator.

Hand it to the professionals. This is very serious and sensitive.

I would have zero/neutral futher communication with the other Mum.

My DS was bulled at school .... it was another child so distressed with what he saw happen to my son who reported it.

One problem with WhatsApp is that someone can delete the message they sent so unless you screenshot it quickly enough they can say you're lying.

I'm interested to see what this mother says. I wouldn't be surprised if the boy says someone else sent the message instead.

Do you think it is possible that someone else got hold of the other boy's phone and sent this message? Perhaps an older sibling?

Is it possible the other child has forwarded on something that has been sent to him and that this is doing the rounds- and that therefore school would be very grateful for you sharing it along with a lot of other probably scared year 6s?

Why have they got phones

Bit whataboutery and victim blaming here ... this vile abusive content could have been communicated equally on a text. Lets not derail.

That kind of content being sent by a 10yo absolutely needs to be reported for his own safeguarding, nevermind your own son. Explicit sexual language, inciting suicide, these are not normal 10yo behaviours. I volunteer with 7-10yos and if any of them came out of with any of that stuff, I am duty bound to report it as a safeguarding concern.

My first thought was that it could have been an older sibling or something, as it is very extreme for a friend to send out of the blue, let alone at the age of 10.

Victim blaming at its finest!

This child has told your son to kill himself. That’s not only disgusting but also potentially illegal and the ramifications of that are manifold.

You have a duty to tell the school in my opinion and maybe even further.

Your instinct to raise it with the school is spot on.

Agree with this.

My DD has restricted times for her phone and one night after I took it off her for the night I saw she’d been added to a group where another girl (who I didn’t even know) was having awful things said to her by someone I also didn’t know. I reported it to the school and even though it wasn’t my DD being bullied I made sure grown ups knew. I told DD what I did in the interest of honesty and she panicked about her being associated with “grassing” (which disappointed me but I suppose there are repercussions in school for people considered to be a ‘grass’) but I let her know that her reputation isn’t as important as the safety of this other child so it was basically though shit. I would never dreamed of asking for her permission