Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

They can also hide apps by deleting off their home screens then reloading them to use. Or hiding them in clear site. Easy to do on iPhones using the group boxes.
Children are far better at navigating smart phones than their parents and will pass on hacks to each other.
The incident I reported to school involved a girl whose mum was adamant that her daughter was not using Instagram and openly boasted about it. School had issued a very generic warning to parents but it generated more concerns which ultimately identified the girl.
The girl obviously held a grudge and tried to cause problems for DS much later in 6th form. Fortunately, DS who is much more savvy as a result, and the rest of his year ignored it. It’s become a bit of a joke that she continually tries to cause problems, the latest being that he tried to spike her drink. Sadly this was rather pointless since DS was famously spiked a couple of years ago which lead to an injury that has left a very obvious scar. He is the last person to want to spike someone else despite the vindictiveness of this young woman.

' This is a very normal thing to do.'

Sadly it has become normal, but that doesn't make it right, and that's why so many are getting into problems on line soon enough.

The roaming itself sounds lovely though.

This sounds pretty much like our set up!

I totally get the dilemmas here, but I have to say that haven't seen a convincing reason why adults should be giving kids as young as 10 access to smartphones, however closely monitored.

'So they can contact us': dumb phone would allow this.

'So we can keep track of them via tracking apps': this is prioritising your need as a parent for control and reassurance over their mental health and well-being (I don't think this is conscious by the way, but I do think we should be honest about it).

'Kids can send mean stuff via texts on a dumb phone too so what's the difference': another poster already offered an excellent response to this. Of course this is possible, but it's the whole online world that encourages and faciliates this kind of language and behaviour. Many other posters have alluded to the fact that this kind of talk is prevalent on you tube and tik tok - they are accessing this stuff via smart phones.

'Giving them smartphones is the best way of teaching them to stay safe': Again, I find this unconvincing. The technology is totally addictive. Why do we think that the actual designers of this technology do not allow their kids access to smart phones? There has been plenty of coverage of the fact that tech entrepreneurs do not allow their children access to the technology they themselves have invented because they are aware of how addictive and harmful it is. Tim Cook, Bill Gates and the late Steve Jobs are the most famous examples.

We monitor the chats closely etc: Surely this is because of a very realistic concern that inappropriate or unpleasant things will be said or shared via whatsapp. Why not just not expose them to it in the first place?

'It's normal': So too have a lot of things that turned out to be terribly harmful.

And not normal for all of us

That's ok. You don't need to be convinced. No-one is trying to convince you. If you don't want to give your child a smart phone, then don't give your child a smart phone.

Everyone makes different parenting choices. What is right for one child in their particular family, school and community may very well not be right for another child in a different family, school and community.

A parent who choses to give a smart phone to their yr 6 child, will have their reasons which work for them and their child. A parent that chooses not to give a smart phone to a yr 6 child will also have their reasons for that decision.

One parent is not better or worse that the other. Neither are superior or more enlightened or have achieved something the other hasn't. They are simply making a different parenting choice and that is absolutely fine.

10-11 year olds have had phones for the past 20 years, where have you been?

I had one at that age and I'm mid 30s.

I hope you took the message to the school today.

Was anything said about it at school today @JustWondering222

Yes I did. Thanks to everyone who gave advice on this thread, much appreciated. After reading even just the first few posts, it helped me decide to inform school. School have been great and DC was fine and happy at school today and has a friend over this evening and they r having lots of fun!

Yes maybe there are some people who both restrict internet access and also discuss, theoretically I guess, online safety. In my experience many people have a holier than thou attitude and think that just by not giving their children phones they've done all they need to.
Most children will have smartphones sooner or later and I'm not sure if a 16yo with his first phone ever will also necessarily make only great choices.

As for being glued to phones, my DS uses his whatsapp so they can organise meetups with his friends, or he uses it to take public transport to his afterscool activities. I would not feel that confident letting him navigate his particular track with just an old nokia.

Are you going to mention it to the other friends' mothers? I can't think this is his first offence.

Hi. No I'm not

(I understand why you asked, and appreciate the concern and the reasons why this might be considered appropriate in lots of cases. I don't really want to explain my decision on this one (sorry) but I am happy it's the right decision in this particular case.

I was just wondering about a child whose parent didn't check their child's phone and where the child was too embarrassed and hurt to mention it.

Perhaps show your son how to screenshot messages, as WhatsApp messages can be deleted by the sender.

Thanks. Re the other kids etc... Yeah I know, I totally get that... thanks

Re screenshot - thanks..yes, good tip. He knows how to do that and screenshotted the message as soon as he he saw it. :)

I think this is very wise. You have handed it over to the professionals - they will have their own processes now to follow. Will you mention that you have shared with the school to the other boy's Mum? Or thought how you will respond if she asks you?

Sounds like you've handled this really well. Hopefully it was a one off and won't be repeated. So worrying that the little boy has that level of aggression and anger in him. Did he say anything about it to your son today?

Yes I have done

I'm not sure. My DS has a friend round just now so I've not had opportunity to ask him, but we will chat tonight. He sounds happy and the noise level is quite high so they r in good spirits!! 😜

(Thanks for saying I handled it well. I think as parents we sometimes focus on everything we r struggling with or doing badly so it's nice to hear others are not viewing this situation in quite the same way as my internal voice is telling me 🙂)

Does he play console games with a headset? He could be picking the language up from older people online - they basically verbally abuse and berate each other while playing.

You sound very level headed and sensible, and the fact your son told you about it is testament to the fact you've taught him well about online safety 👏🏻

'In my experience many people have a holier than thou attitude and think that just by not giving their children phones they've done all they need to.'

Really? Literally the opposite of my experience. The people that are suspicious of giving smartphones early are those that tend to be the most clued up. Just like the tech giants don't give their kids the tech.

Surely even most schools talk about online safety day in day out these days? I don't claim that they're keeping up with the tech but ours certainly does their best. Can't imagine any 16 year old or indeed any teen going in completely naive. It would be largely impossible in this day and age. Hopefully by that point you've given them the tools and the chance to mature enough to make their own decisions, good or bad. But 9 & 10 year olds? It won't end well.

I would never sneer at anyone who has been sucked into giving a phone early (esp those that did it in the pandemic), you have to be pragmatic and work with the peers of your child, but actively defending it as a good thing is crazy to me.

I'm in child mental health please tell school. There are safe guarding issues. He could access very traumatising material on his phone or is being exposed to it in another way.

Thank you @Its2024happynewyear

I really appreciate your kind words :)

She has told school.