Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

No phone of any kind would be better for primary age

I agree.

I honestly think we'll look back at this access to phones for kids in the future the way we look at victorian kids going up chimneys now.

Absolutely- it needs investigation. But it might not have been written by the phone’s owner. The mother should have responded to OP and should be on to it.

Absolutely share with the school.
Very, very concerning behaviour from a child.
(& well done to your son for showing you).

As to TikTok, apparently kids can access by going into a maps app, searching for the headquarters, then clicking on the web link there. For parents telling (congratulating) themselves that their children don’t have access.

So glad you are telling the school. This happened to my son at 14 by a friend of his. We showed the screenshots to the vice-principal (I’m in Canada), and the student was expelled from the school. In our case both students were SEN. The school also contacted police - they paid us a visit and asked if we wanted to press charges (we didn’t).

@Outwiththenorm jeez. This stuff feels like some sort of zombie virus! Hate it all.

My DD showed me a horribly abusive message in a sixth form group chat that was directed at a student with autism. I reported it to the safeguarding lead as it contained similar references to suicide. The school took it seriously even though the students were all 17/18. I’d refer it to Safeguarding. I work in a high school and this would be taken seriously.

It's not just the messages, it's the images. I've worked in a school, yr 7's sending each other really nasty porn images and videos of be-heading etc.
All 'fun' and 'banter' and 'bullying'.

I couldn't watch or look at a lot of the content, I'm not working in vice, I was a teacher, I don't get paid enough to have my head filled with the horror that is on the internet thanks.

I don't believe it's that suitable for children to be exposed to either.
I don't believe it's harmless.
I don't believe they have to toughen up and see the worse aspects that humanity is capable of on their smart phones.
Maybe I'm old fashioned?

'A brick phone wouldn't prevent a text message saying the same thing.'

Oh come on... this child who sent it is in the online world. The message has clearly been copied and pasted from on line somewhere somehow. He hasn't drafted it himself. It wouldn't have happened on a dumb phone.

The more all of our kids are in this world, the more it will happen. Comparing a phone with a browser to a dumb phone is being in complete denial. Of course kids this age all having dumb phones (or no phones!) would help.

I mentioned this thread to my (teen/young adult) DCs while we were having dinner, because they’d got chatting to someone on the way home and found out a kid they used to know (late teens) took his own life.

They said the sort of stuff you describe in the message (kill yourself, suck your mum, expletives) is really common gaming/TikTok talk and not said seriously or maliciously. The dreaded ‘banter’.

But of course, it’s not OK. Some kids do take it seriously. It’s the suggestibility (e.g. of self-harm and misogyny) to kids who are easily influenced. Parents of all generations are (or would be) horrified what their kids say to each other or get up to. It’s always been so, long before smart phones. We were up to all sorts when I was a kid. But, it can be a minefield when kids have the entire internet at their fingertips. We’re the first generation of parents to have to deal with it, so few reference points.

IMHO the key is to make sure your kids talk to you openly, keep an eye on their phone use and teach them at home respect for, and sensitivity to, others and how to be sensible and safe, to counterbalance what they hear and see from others. It sounds like you do all these things @JustWondering222. And in my experience schools do a great job too. But the police would be OTT.

All so true.

Flag it up with the school. The safeguarding lead will be interested

@unclemtty I've seen this on a year 7 group chat. One image was actually akin to child pornography. We have little sods using the disappearing messages function too so if you don't screenshot quick smart there's no evidence. With the Group chat function on WhatsApp you also have the added ability to exclude and isolate kids through groups that x,y,z can't be included in but has to see, or groups they were part of but admin kicks them out of. It's taking the cruelty of the playground home with you.

Some kids might be ok and have less struggles or issues here than others. So I do understand why for some, it works.

This whole thread has helped convince me I want young teen off WhatsApp asap.

We have had a similar thing recently that happened with one of my DD's friends, they told the school and the school immediately contacted the police. Threatening children and encouraging them to kill themselves is an offence, forget about how good a friend this woman is, protect your child first.

Why do you think police is OTT given that this child is of the age of criminal responsibility and has committed an offence ? The police will know how to handle it better than the parents. No one is suggesting prison but this is a serious matter and the child needs to know that the consequences will be just as serious if it happens again. It’s bullying and suggesting suicide. Really surprised at the minimising of that.

@EdithBond yes it's true. Big statements are minimised significantly on various social media platforms and yes, I've seen gamers saying this when watching YouTube together with my son. Most of us would be horrified by what so many see as normalised now. I agree at this stage I'd go to school in writing. I would not go Police level either. I'd be keen to ask the school their thoughts and what they can do their end regards spreading awareness.

It's that dreadful word ' banter '. You are so right.

No, you're not being old fashioned @unclemtty I remember at junior school back in the 70s aged about 8 when we used to be asked to bring old newspapers in to cover the tables when we did art. Sometimes these included page 3 of the Sun. It was something we used to laugh about and some of the boys would say, "ooh I want to look at page three like my dad!" The teachers turned the page over. It would be seen as inappropriate these days, yet it seems so harmless next to what children are exposed to now on the internet.

I work in a primary school and I know they would want to know. You definitely need to tell the school. I wouldn’t speak to the mum again as the school can investigate and find out why he did it.
Telling another child to kill himself needs to come with consequences. This thing does happen in primary school and needs dealing with.
if I got this message as an adult I would be very upset. The school staff are qualified to help your boy talk through stuff.
good luck

Why cant they send each other nice messages. Why this need to be nasty?
Isn't life hard enough without all this?

@PassingStranger you only have to look at the comments on platforms like FB and other cesspits where adults behind screens can be utterly vile.

There's a great podcast I watched regards how behaviours and social conscience is changing due to an explosion in communications that are no longer face to face.

i’m glad you are telling the school, it’s so much harder for teachers to be effective when they aren’t informed. When my son was acting out the teachers thought he was great, but because we’d talked to them when they did see a little bit of it they didn’t think oh it’s a one off, and told us. I hope this other kid is ok, it’s a very strange message to come out of the blue. But at the same time, your son doesn’t owe him support, he’s a vulnerable child himself.
I agree text and WhatsApp are the same, but you are being naive to equate it to talking and note writing. These are not the same, don’t kid yourself. The mere act of forming the letters with a pen and ensuring physical delivery changes the intuitive awareness that the message and the other person are both real things. You are doing everything right as a parent so far, but you need to retain the awareness that online and via electronic communications is psychologically a different medium and a different danger level.

Unfortunately kids do send horrible messages. My 11 year old (year 7) received a message from a girl from his primary school who is at a different secondary school, calling him a fucked up muslim* he screen shot it. Showed it to me and we talked about it..they go to different schools so I can't really do anything.

I know the mum but don't have her number. If I see her, I will absolutely tell her about it. Again, not a family I expected it from! But just shows any kid can. I expect she was with friends who either sent it ot egged her on.

We then had to have a chat about racism, islamaphbia, bullying etc etc. Unfortunately this probably will happen again. So now he knows how to deal with it. I have 3 more kids so we had a whole family chat about it.

Go in to school and show it to the safeguarding lead. Im a DSL at secondary and we deal with stuff like this alot- sadly.