Vile text

[JustWondering222]

My 10yr old received a horrendous text last night (honestly I've never seen anything like it. So many swear words, telling him to kill himself 😧 telling him to suck pussy, telling him everyone hates him (the f word was used quite a few times as were other foul swear words.. basically every other word was a swear word and the general message was to go kill yourself because you r the worst of the worst) from someone that's normally a good friend. I was really shocked because my DC is quite innocent and didn't even understand half the message or half the words used.

I sent the mum a screenshot so she can ask her child about it and have talked to my DC about it and he feels ok. I praised him for showing me the text. He knows I've texted the mum so is worried he'll get called a snitch, but otherwise he's fine. I've reassured him he did the right thing. He's quite popular at school and has never been bullied or received anything like this before. The two boys are normally good friends and have a lovely friendship group. They've known each other several years, had playdates etc..

My question is, is it enough just to raise this with the boys mum, or would you also mention something to school? (I'm just quite shocked at the language and venom coming out of a 10yr old. I'm a bit worried about the boy to be honest.. Also a bit worried because another child might get v upset by this kind of message. My son has another friend that is very vulnerable and has sen and the boy that sent the message previously had a falling out with this child. If he sent such a text to this boy, or another like him, it would likely quite severely impact them.)

@Doubledded123 at your school, would it ever be the case that parents of the ' offending ' kid would be told and asked to respond to the school regards how they're handling it. It's not clear to me what's within the power of the school. Would behaviour like this ever contribute towards action by the school for example?

This may be down to local policy. I'm not clued up enough on this.

I'm sorry for what your son experienced. Sounds like you handled it well. 💐

(I'm glad u edited your post as I was thinking I must be really naive to not know what a 'tucked up muslim' is meant to be...😂 I'm sorry to hear what was actually said which is far worse 😥)

@JustWondering222 could you ask the Mum to tell the school herself to give her the chance to do so? I would definitely want her to get some explanation from her DS. And it might give her DS support as well as you/yours. Hope all works out ok.

This is a very smart idea. Couched as ‘school should know as other children could be doing the same and they need to address it’.

For gods sake, take his phone off him!! No 10 yr old needs a bloody smartphone with social media on it! WhatsApp was absolutely vile at this age - DS didn't have it (or a phone) but so many of his peers did and the bullying and nastiness was off the scale - from 'nice' kids in a 'nice' primary school. Some parents just refused to accept that their little sweethearts didn't have the maturity to live with 24/7 direct messaging devices.

I would be making a huge thing about this with school. They absolutely need to know and they need to lean very heavily on phone use. Obviously they can't actually do anything about devices used outside the school day but they can set the tone and maybe have a parents evening about it.

DS said the boys dad is strict.

My guess is that there could be emotional violence that is normalised in that home - and a lot of covering up / masking by the Mum (possibly a victim?) which is why you 'cant fathom it'.

At the end of the day the content of the text constitutes a criminal offence (ie to encourage someone to self harm whether they act on it or not - recent online safety law) and another more vulnerable child may have responded in a catastrophic way - as many others have and is why this law was introduced. Even on this thread a PP has told how her own daughter took an overdose after receiving a similar text but was fortunate to survive after being hospitalised.

The swearing, name calling etc is unacceptable vile bullying - the 'kill yourself' content escalates this into another safeguarding category for both boys.

What the HELL has a 10yr old child got a mobile phone for?!?!

This should go to the school, it sounds like a safeguarding issue to be honest. A 10 year old should not be knowing some of those things. The school as a minimum needs to look into where he is getting this language, what he is being exposed to. Its unusual to be so aware of some of this at 10.

My son has a phone because he walks to school and he plays out a lot. He often calls me or texts after school to ask if he can go to a friend's house or play out for a bit.

I know that some people on this thread are shocked by a child having a phone, but all my son's friends have a phone. It's quite normal where I live for year 6 to have a phone. In yr 7 basically all the kids have one. My older son is year 8 and I don't think he knows a single person who doesn't have a phone.

I've explained already what he's allowed his phone for, which is limited to phoning and texting/whatsapping me and his 5 best friends.

Because in the real world, most some parent feel safer to allow their children freedom to go to the local park for example and still be able to contact them, or god forbid be able to see where they are by using 'Find My'.

So the very thing that's meant to keep them safe is doing the opposite. How did kids play out before phones?

A dumb phone would still let you stay in touch. It isn't your fault this awful message was sent, but I wish more people delayed giving their children access to smart phones. It opens a world they're not ready to deal with. As 'everyone' has one, there's a collective peer pressure to give into, at the expense of pre teens now having no escape from vile bullying even in what should be a safe space, home.

This is a great thread for discussing smartphones. Sorry OP if it has gone off on a tangent but it’s a really useful thread.

it IS possible to let your kids walk to school and play out without a phone. In year 6 mine was one of a small handful who didn’t have a phone and went to the park and went to and from school without being in contact with me. He was fine! It did take some getting used (on my part) but it is possible.

He was one of only a handful not in the class whatsapp group which sounded like an absolute nightmare.

He is now in Year 7 and has a smart watch so can text and call. This was the compromise. He has one friend in his group of 10 who also doesn’t have a phone so that helps.

We talk about it regularly and I just tell him I’m protecting his mental health and I make him aware of all the shit that smartphones and social media can bring. He does get asked why he doesn’t have a phone so we talk about responses he can give. I’d much rather he was learning to deflect and defend himself over not having a phone then having so see and hear the alternatives that phones bring.

Not intended as a braggy post but more to say anyone at that point and considering not giving their kids a phone - It is possible to do. There just needs to be more parents doing it to make it easier for everyone.

I always had a 10p to call my mum. Phone boxes were everywhere. But now there are no phone boxes where we live at all. A child having a phone is sensible in my opinion.

My son likes to build camps and dens with his friends in the village and they often go around and call for other children after school. As previously explained, he and the 5 close friends in the group, have a WhatsApp chat they can talk on and they can also text each other. All the parents know and are supportive. We quite often get sent photo updates on the dens progress etc.. which is sweet.

I really don't think the technology is to blame in this case. The child that sent the message is a very good friend of DS. We've known the family years and my son has been for play dates with him etc.. Before this incident there was no reason to think they couldn't text each other on WhatsApp. I've been monitoring the chat and it's all been very sweet and innocent til this one very out of the blue and shocking text.

As said before, in a way I'm glad this was written in a text and I can see it. If it had been verbally said to DS I wouldn't have any evidence and I might have thought DS had got the wrong end of the stick or something. I also wonder if this WhatsApp message has been a way this boy has found to cry out for help. I am responding by going to mention to school today. So maybe WhatsApp has been helpful for this boy in this case.

My children will have to face many difficulties in the online world as they reach 15/16/17 and beyond. If I can start them with well monitored, limited use of tech now, and we can ensure open communication and learning, gradually increasing access to different things as they get older I think that's wise. By the time they are 16 they will be knowledgeable about what is safe and have good communication with me so that when they have more freedom to choose what aps to access etc.. they can make sensible choices and know what to do on the event of anything going wrong.

I personally think withholding all access to a smart phone, then giving a phone at 14 or 15 is not helpful. However, I fully appreciate the arguments on all sides and accept that lots of people think as I do and lots of people think completely differently. We all parent differently and that's good! Our children are getting lots of different experiences and mixing with different kids and hopefully get to see there are lots of different views on the world etc.. and that's ok!

Yes, in a way you/your thread is being a scapegoat for the wider issue OP, as it's a hot one. Just focus on the issue in hand and ignore the rest for now.

My DC are older now, but IME it's been the norm for children to have phones from year 6 onwards, when they start going out more independently. I remember trying to be strict about Internet use and managed to hold out longer than most on allowing them access to the social side. But I did give in sooner than I wanted because the pressure was there, with the view to monitor closely - I'll admit I don't do this as much as I'd like. I'm sure I'm not the only one.

IMO the DfE needs to step in and advise schools to ban smart phones (bricks only) until better safety measures are more broadly put in place for under 16s.

Tell the school, block this child from your sons phone and do not engage with the family again. You all seem to be kind of minimising it and think an apology means it's fine. It's not fine, this boy needs to know the consequences of his actions and losing his best friend is just one of them.

I think this about sums it up. There’s so much minimising here of what is a very serious matter. Some posters are even trying to excuse it by suggesting someone else sent it - even after OP has confirmed that it was the boy himself.

This boy is ten. The age of criminal responsibility. And he’s committed a serious criminal offence. Now would be the time to get the appropriate authorities involved to explain that to him and hopefully nip it in the bud - and also to make sure nothing else is going on that the parents are not aware of.

No-one is suggesting criminal punishment, but this boy bullied OP’s son and suggested suicide. He needs a warning - a fright to teach him that if he’s old enough to be using language and threats like this, then he’s old enough to face the consequences. Better that than to risk him carrying on and those consequences becoming much more serious as he gets older, with he added risk that he will cause someone to self harm.

My children will have to face many difficulties in the online world as they reach 15/16/17 and beyond. If I can start them with well monitored, limited use of tech now, and we can ensure open communication and learning, gradually increasing access to different things as they get older I think that's wise.

I'm with you. I have some friends who have said absolute no to smartphones and internet use for their pre-teens and young teens. Personally I think they are fighting a lost battle - yes you can choose not to give your child a phone, but if generally all their age group has smartphones/computers, unless you monitor them 24/7, their friends will introduce them to the wonders of internet, without any supervision or guidance from you.

I've been following the thread & added a few responses. I still can't fathom how any parent can condone a future friendship with a ten year old boy who writes this type of message & tells their son he should kill himself. Apparently its because he has always been so sweet, the mother is lovely, they have been friends for years & he has apologised. I would make sure I blocked him on my childs phone & if it affected the group friendship sobeit. They will be split up in high school anyway which I'd be happy about. The child who sent this extremely disturbing & dangerous message needs professional help as do his family as there is obviously something wrong with the dynamic even if they dont realise it.

How was your DS this morning @JustWondering222 going back into school after this dreadful experience?

I’ve encountered this type of thing before. The child who ‘sent’ the message (obscene) was being bullied / blackmailed by an older group of boys. Police were involved and treated the ‘sender’ as a groomed victim, quite rightly in my opinion; the school were less understanding.

This makes sense to me. There is likely something else complex going on for such an extreme criminal action. Safeguarding of both boys (and maybe other children) is the priority to investigate sensitively and strategically here by professionals - thats why a cosy chat with the other parent is deficient.

'if generally all their age group has smartphones/computers, unless you monitor them 24/7, their friends will introduce them to the wonders of internet, without any supervision or guidance from you.'

So you've just confirmed one reason why it's a bad idea for kids to have smartphones. They're all showing each other sick shite and influencing each other.

Not sure why people always think kids not having a smartphone means knowing nothing about the internet. You think parents genuinely concerned about this stuff don't address it with their kids? It's an ongoing conversation over years.

It's also not just about all the dark side of the online world. It's kids being forever glued to it or thinking about it from then on. Many kids admit spending literally all their free time on their phones. It's so so sad.

Our kids are 9 and 11. Both have smartphones so they can contact us and we can keep track of their whereabouts on an app. We live in a fairly large suburban village and the kids have more or less carte blanche to roam around as long as they have their phones and let us know where they're going and that they've arrived etc.

They have access to Whatsapp so they can have group chats with their friends and we monitor the chats closely. This is a very normal thing to do.