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Original poster

Very rude teen son

186 replies

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 09:48

Seeking some advice please. My (almost) teen son has become extremely rude and disrespectful towards me/his sibling and occasionally his Dad but mostly towards me. He’s begun to insult my appearance calling me “Megamind”, says how big my nose is, walks up to me measuring my forehead and has begun to say “you’re a big girl” and insults my teeth. (I’m only a size 10 and petite) We look extremely similar, same nose, forehead, teeth etc so I tell him he’s just insulting himself as we look the same. He also constantly uses how I have ADHD as an insult “ok ADHD” (He is currently being assessed himself for ASD and ADHD) He’s in a class with many friends who are autistic or have ADHD.

It’s a huge problem though and very waring. I just took his breakfast up to his room as a Sunday treat and first thing he said was “oh you’re looking like a Megamind today!” 🙄

OP posts:
user50and · 01/12/2024 09:48

I hope you walked straight back out with his breakfast. How old is he?

Original poster
ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 09:49

He’s 12.

OP posts:
Anotherworrier · 01/12/2024 09:49

He doesn’t talk to his Dad like this. Can his Dad be the one to firmly tell him what he’s doing is unacceptable and he stops now?

What consequences have you put in for this behaviour?

Soontobe60 · 01/12/2024 09:51

Does your DH also insult you?
I would have walked straight out of his room and thrown his breakfast in the bin!

teenmaw · 01/12/2024 09:52

At 12 there's still time to rein this in, another year or two you'll have lost all control if you don't slam down hard on this immediately. That breakfast should have been straight in the bin and him told in no uncertain terms if he speaks to you like that again what the consequences will be. And stick firm to them.

username358 · 01/12/2024 09:54

You need firm consequences for his behaviour.

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 01/12/2024 09:54

What consequences does he receive for his vile behaviour choices?

Octavia64 · 01/12/2024 09:54

In similar circumstances I got very transactional.

I'd say to mine "I don't make breakfast for gives lifts to people who insult me".

Then next time they wanted something I'd say it again.

They got the message pretty quickly.

jeaux90 · 01/12/2024 09:54

Where is he learning this from? Where is he learning it's ok to insult you?

Teens push barriers, I have a DD15 and I'll pick my battles but occasionally you do need to roar at them to shock them into understanding where they go over the limit.

mimblewimble · 01/12/2024 09:54

Oh wow, that sounds horrible for you!

I have a 13yo ds, he's not in his most polite phase tbh, I think at this age we can expect some level of rudeness/grumpiness/backchat/chip on shoulder/know it all...

My ds has ADHD and autism diagnosis, his emotional regulation is shit at the moment and I try to be understanding and pick my battles, but name calling and personal insults would not be acceptable at all and I'd be having a serious talk, then pulling him up on it every time, and probably withdrawing whatever kind of helpful thing I was doing at that moment (e.g. walk back out with breakfast).

WonderingWanda · 01/12/2024 09:55

What consequences have you given for his rudeness? How do you reply to him?

E.g "Ds it's offensive to comment on appearances please stop it or there will be x yz consequence" and then every time after "I've told you that's offensive so now you will have to x y z" lose your phone, lose screen time, not be allowed to go our etc. Or When you say things like that ds, what effect are you hoping for? It doesn't sound like a compliment to me, more like being mean? Can you explain why you want to be mean to me? I don't think I deserve it and I didn't raise you to be mean. How would you feel if... etc.

If he is asd that's still no excuse.

Dramatic · 01/12/2024 09:55

Please tell me you didn't still give him the breakfast?!

Original poster
ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 09:58

I still gave him the breakfast as I don’t agree in taking food away but it’s a massive issue.

OP posts:
raysan · 01/12/2024 09:59

I don't understand 12 yr olds but could it be that he's blindly repeating stuff he's heard, and doesnt understand it hurts. Esp with the AuDHD, I'd handle it a bit differently. Making it clear that its not ok to name-call, and even if just pointing out a fact about someones appearance, its often best not to mention? Then reminding (rather than punishing) and try not to rise to the bait? You could try 'I do have a big nose but I don't like when you say that'

Anotherworrier · 01/12/2024 10:00

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 09:58

I still gave him the breakfast as I don’t agree in taking food away but it’s a massive issue.

Ok. But what were the consequences then?

Original poster
ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:00

jeaux90 · 01/12/2024 09:54

Where is he learning this from? Where is he learning it's ok to insult you?

Teens push barriers, I have a DD15 and I'll pick my battles but occasionally you do need to roar at them to shock them into understanding where they go over the limit.

He’s learned it from his Dad but that’s a whole other thread.

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 01/12/2024 10:01

“I don’t agree in taking food away’..he wont starve!

Onehappymam · 01/12/2024 10:01

Are you still with his Dad?

Anotherworrier · 01/12/2024 10:01

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:00

He’s learned it from his Dad but that’s a whole other thread.

Show quote history

No. Actually, it’s very relevant to this thread. Are you still with his Dad?

BunsenBurnerBaby · 01/12/2024 10:01

That isn’t a whole other thread. Children learn from what they see: how do you respond to his dad?

Original poster
ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:02

raysan · 01/12/2024 09:59

I don't understand 12 yr olds but could it be that he's blindly repeating stuff he's heard, and doesnt understand it hurts. Esp with the AuDHD, I'd handle it a bit differently. Making it clear that its not ok to name-call, and even if just pointing out a fact about someones appearance, its often best not to mention? Then reminding (rather than punishing) and try not to rise to the bait? You could try 'I do have a big nose but I don't like when you say that'

He does blindly repeat stuff. Repeats the same questions over and over and over. It’s like he’s stuck in the habit of insulting people. Like it just falls out of his mouth.

OP posts:
Anotherworrier · 01/12/2024 10:03

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:02

He does blindly repeat stuff. Repeats the same questions over and over and over. It’s like he’s stuck in the habit of insulting people. Like it just falls out of his mouth.

Show quote history

You’re consistently ignoring questions about what consequences you have put in place for this behaviour

The issue and solution lies within this, you need to parent him.

Cherrysoup · 01/12/2024 10:04

You still gave him breakfast which you’d taken up as a treat? wtf? Why can’t he get his own? Who takes breakfast up to a 12 year old? Is he generally spoilt? He’d be getting serious consequences and a big sit down chat from me. You need to stop him very seriously.

Cherrysoup · 01/12/2024 10:04

ChristmasHound · 01/12/2024 10:02

He does blindly repeat stuff. Repeats the same questions over and over and over. It’s like he’s stuck in the habit of insulting people. Like it just falls out of his mouth.

Show quote history

So pull him up on it, every damn time.

WaltzingWaters · 01/12/2024 10:05

So you rewarded his behaviour by still giving him a special breakfast in bed? Of course you shouldn’t withhold food altogether, but you could at least make him come to the kitchen for his breakfast after he’s insulted your kind gesture.

But his dad’s behaviour isn’t a whole other thread. It’s entirely relevant. He’s copying the behaviour he sees, and the behaviour his dad presumably gets away with.