Very rude teen son

[ChristmasHound]

Seeking some advice please. My (almost) teen son has become extremely rude and disrespectful towards me/his sibling and occasionally his Dad but mostly towards me. He’s begun to insult my appearance calling me “Megamind”, says how big my nose is, walks up to me measuring my forehead and has begun to say “you’re a big girl” and insults my teeth. (I’m only a size 10 and petite) We look extremely similar, same nose, forehead, teeth etc so I tell him he’s just insulting himself as we look the same. He also constantly uses how I have ADHD as an insult “ok ADHD” (He is currently being assessed himself for ASD and ADHD) He’s in a class with many friends who are autistic or have ADHD.

It’s a huge problem though and very waring. I just took his breakfast up to his room as a Sunday treat and first thing he said was “oh you’re looking like a Megamind today!” 🙄

Taking a bowl of cereal back downstairs is hardly withholding food!!!! Presumably he has legs and can stagger to the kitchen himself and do it.

@DoraGray
Abso-fucking-lutely!!
100%

No. It's probably the same thread.
Leave the bad husband and the son might learn that actions have consequences.

I agree,

Perhaps that's also another reason the child is the way he is, who gives a 12 year old breakfast in bed? Let your child grow up!

Firstly I'd divorce his disgusting pig of a father and be very open as to why, to both him and DS. That's disgraceful things to be saying especially in front of your child and I've no idea why any woman would find a man like that attractive to start with.

Then I'd absolutely lose my shit at DS and tell him how disgusting and unacceptable his behaviour is. I'd tell him that he is showing no respect for me at all, I feel like he doesn't love me when he treats me like that and that it stops today.

I would tell him I do not want him growing up into an emotionally abusive man like his father is and explain the effect that it has on the person he is mistreating.

If he still continued he wouldn't sit for a week I'd stop doing anything for him. No washing, no dinner, no lifts, no pocket money. Tell him to ask his father, since he doesn't give a shit how you feel, the maid has quit.

Stop protecting ds from the consequences of his actions.

Sorry OP, I know this isn’t helpful when you are facing this from all the males in your house, but this is the reason that when I set up my women only commune, boy children won’t be allowed past their 8th birthdays!

Being Autistic/ADHD does feed into this. My son has come out with some clangers. He's said before ' oh mum your breath is quite bad '. I think it actually was so I explained that I am ok with that but be aware you might get a punch if you say that out there to people.

What you describe. He really needs learn this is not ok. I am quite harsh on things like this. I will explain it has to stop now because it's mocking, belittling and I don't like it. There need to be material consequences so it goes in there. You don't respect me son? Then I can't respect you back in return. That means I don't feel comfortable paying for x,y,z for you.

And make sure you do it. I think that might include phone access, internet access. Whatever makes him listen and stop.

I personally feel this left unchecked is quite dangerous. You need to be on this every time!

I could have written this myself. My almost 13 year old is vile at times. He has called me a cunt twice in the past couple of weeks. For such vile behaviour he doesn't get a lift to school, he has lost his xbox for instance. I've made it very very clear the language is totally unacceptable.

If you take that sort of treatment from your husband then you’re a fool. It’s not rocket science to work out that your son is just copying his dad. Stand up for yourself against all insults, whoever they’re from. Whilst it’s impossible to tell from the limited amount you’ve said, you don’t sound like a woman who knows her worth and stands up for herself. I don’t think you’ve got much chance of dealing with this without changing yourself first. If you act like a doormat then you’ll get treated like a doormat. I’m surprised that you’re surprised by this behaviour tbh. I doubt you’ll ever solve it now if you’ve let men speak to you like for so long.

You should have taken the food downstairs abd left it in the kitchen. I would then have told him later that the consequence for this is X and stick to it. He will continue to do it if you don't take back control. You are allowing your 13 year old to insult you. Why?

Best you get some rules in place and best he starts pulling his weight, personally I’d turn the mega mind into a thing for you, if he knows he’s upsetting you he’ll just keep going. What his dad doing ?

Sending a handhold as I have a 13 your old ds (middle child) with asd and adhd who is showing exactly the same behaviours at the moment. His dad and me are on same pg of discipline and my husband has never used language like that at me. Currently he has lost all electronics as he referred to me as a derogatory name. Dh went mad.
It's not easy. We just keep consequences consistent but still try to have positive moments. I'm trying a bit of love bombing at the moment

If there are no consequences for him how do you expect to resolve this.
After all he is 12 and understands that it is upsetting you.

You don't agree WITH taking food away. There you are, actions, consequences..

Take all his stuff off of him, like phone games station etc. Tell him that he won't get them back until he can show so respect to you!

Autistic children don’t understand consequences/punishments. They can’t collate it with the “crime”.
I don’t see how putting his breakfast in the bin fixes anything

His dad needs to get involved, op, and must speak very sternly to your son about his rudeness, stressing the importance of respect for others, imposing some punishment if he doesn't stop.

Kids go through phases, I never had that with my son but I was certainly very rude at times to my mother. Mind you, my mother was extremely rude to me :-).

Sometimes children don't know their own strength.

Get dad to sort it out and pronto.

This, all day long

More broadly speaking, I think we live in an absolutely insane society where children this age speak to their parents as described by the OP and some other posters on this thread.

In the time and place I grew up in this would have been unimaginable.

In the time and place I grew up in this would have been unimaginable

It still is unimaginable to some of us.

We've never raised a hand to our dc but they have a healthy level of respect for us and I think also a healthy level of 'fear' for want of a better word. I can't even imagine of one my teenagers calling me a cunt or making targeted cruel comments about my appearance. Firstly because they're decent kids but secondly because they're both fully aware that hell would rain down on their bloody heads like never before for such behaviour - so they wouldn't dare, even if they were inclined to.

I read mn open mouthed sometimes with threads like this. Not necessarily at the op which is a 'one off' but at the number of posts that follow saying oh it's to be expected, my dc is exactly the same etc and variations of 'it's normal, it will pass'.

It's not normal in my world, not even close.

I’m interested in having this conversation, not relating to this op, but maybe on a different thread?

My own personal theory is I think the pendulum has swung too far over to the extent that parents are really unhappy, and that unhappiness is impacting directly on teens, who become unhappy themselves.

When family life is focused, in an unbalanced way, on dc and teens’s wellbeing to the detriment of everyone else in the family, no one wins.

Of course dc need protecting and we need to acknowledge that adolescence can be hell! Also it’s totally normal for parents to sacrifice themselves in various ways for the benefit of their dc. But not to the extent that their own mh is destroyed.

It doesn’t help dc or teens to be favoured to a ridiculous degree either, as they will eventually find life in the real world intolerable if their expectations are such that everyone has to accept their disrespectful, unpleasant or non-compliant behaviour.

Nor does it benefit them living in a home where parents are constantly stressed and upset. A balance needs to be struck.

UK parents nowadays are both usually working ft and for some of the longest working hours in Europe. They are expected to parent lovingly, intensely, with high emotional intelligence and patience, for a protracted period of time. Their homes are meant to be immaculate. Their meals nutritious and Instagram-worthy. Their family outings and holidays, perfect! There is no break, ever!

We don’t want to return to the days of benign neglect and corporal punishment of the sixties and seventies; it’s all for the good that dc and teens are valued as individuals now, and have a voice. But that voice, along with parental voices, have to be heard in the context of mutual respect.

You have many sanctions to hand ...

No, I don't make breakfast for rude people.
No, I'm not a taxi service for rude people.
No, I don't know where your uniform is - probably where you dropped it.
Do you have football today? I'm not the diary keeper for rude people.
School trip payment? Sorry, the bank of mum is shut to rude people.

Etc

@Eyestothehorizon558 some really interesting points in your post.

I'm honestly not sure what the answer is. I think parents are in a very difficult situation as it's overall a permissive society with a strong focus on the rights and protections of children (and I'm obviously not saying that's necessarily a bad thing).
It's genuinely far easier, I suspect, to raise children in a a society where there are strong boundaries and discipline.

What I will say is that I found such a society a secure place to grow up in, where there were firm boundaries and clear expectations. It fostered a sense of safety. School was enjoyable and easy to learn in because behaviour in class was perfect. There was zero fear of violence from fellow pupils.

However, yes there was corporal punishment. But I don't think it was predominantly the physical chastisement that kept behaviour in check, it was just more of a sense of discipline and the expectation of behaviour. Just being rude to an adult was an unthinkable taboo.

I'm not talking up corporal punishment btw. I didn't much mind it for me, but that's because the worst I ever experienced as a little girl was a couple of almost painless ruler thwacks on the hand, it was more symbolic than anything. A cutting remark from a teacher was a far more upsetting thing.
As an adult, however, I find the thought of a child being hit a lot more jarring and upsetting, because I'm used to a different culture now.

I don't really like the benign neglect thing. My parents didn't hit, but they were guilty of that. I was in weekly boarding school and we were very scheduled, kept busy and watched over and that felt much more safe and secure.

So I'd love their to be some sort of happy medium, I suppose, between what I grew up with elsewhere and where things are now in the UK. But how we get there I have no idea.

That’s a colossal sweeping statement and wholly inaccurate. All 3 of mine are ND, 2 wi the ASD and I can assure you they got it.