Very rude teen son

[ChristmasHound]

Seeking some advice please. My (almost) teen son has become extremely rude and disrespectful towards me/his sibling and occasionally his Dad but mostly towards me. He’s begun to insult my appearance calling me “Megamind”, says how big my nose is, walks up to me measuring my forehead and has begun to say “you’re a big girl” and insults my teeth. (I’m only a size 10 and petite) We look extremely similar, same nose, forehead, teeth etc so I tell him he’s just insulting himself as we look the same. He also constantly uses how I have ADHD as an insult “ok ADHD” (He is currently being assessed himself for ASD and ADHD) He’s in a class with many friends who are autistic or have ADHD.

It’s a huge problem though and very waring. I just took his breakfast up to his room as a Sunday treat and first thing he said was “oh you’re looking like a Megamind today!” 🙄

It’s great that you have a plan.
hope it’s not too long now for you xx

Please don't encourage the OP to make more excuses for the vile behaviour of this unpleasant individual.

It sounds as if she is already doing so and is reaping quite enough shit without helping her to eat more.

Good for you in that case op. 👏👏👏

You are already quite far along in the process and hopefully your ds’s behaviour will improve when he sees you have made a stand and begins to understand why, after an initial period of disruption.

“The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”
There are very real reasons for these sayings, but there is still time to try to steer this 12 yo in the right direction. 🙏🏻

Well, Megamind would have let him know that he isn’t perfect himself and put his breakfast in the bin. How fucking DARE he speak to you like that!

I’ve no advise other than to find your anger. He absolutely cannot grow up as vile as his dad. Good luck with the separation. There’s still time to turn your son around and I think being extremely stern (almost to the point of unreasonable) is the answer. No seconds chances for vileness. No ‘bonding’ trips to build a relationship as another poster suggested. Absolutely nothing until he finds some respect for you.

I'm glad you have plans to go OP.

I think everyone calling the 12 year old a 'brat' is unfair.

This young man has had this behaviour modelled from day 1 by dad, and put up with by mum. It's not his fault this is his male role model.

The absolutely best thing you can do for this young man is to move out, establish a calm home with boundaries, hope he doesn't see his dad too much (but you cannot control that), get some solid consequences in place (so, lifts, internet, money are only given to teenager in my house who are reasonably pleasant and don't make my life a misery, a one-off teenage tantrum with an apology would be ok). I don't give a lift on the day or give money to teenagers who are rude or aggressive to me, full stop (as I say, if they burst into tears, or have difficulty regulating emotion, I do give a bit of leeway and suggest they go to their rooms, or accept an apology). Perhaps therapy might help.

There's a danger coming very fast here that what is just verbal abuse now might spin out into genuine contempt for and dislike of women, and make him think it's ok to treat a partner like this. Please act as soon as you can, as he sounds like he has some lovely qualities in there and in a different environment you will be able to pull those out.

Also, act before he is huge, and when you get into the new home, make sure it is clear you are in charge, not in a dominating way, just very calm and assertive- it is hard for single mums to deal with rude big adult sons, or indeed rude big adult daughters, I think you have to make sure they know in a very subtle but firm way that you pay for the home, your rules are in the home and they do not run things, otherwise it can spin out of your control. I love living with my teens by the way, and we have got that balance, but when there's one mum and difficult big stroppy teens it can lead to power issues that don't help them become their best selves either.

I wish you so much luck with this OP, as I think you know what he and you need.

No ‘bonding’ trips to build a relationship as another poster suggested. Absolutely nothing until he finds some respect for you

I disagree with this. I think very firm boundaries- so I would have walked out with the breakfast and said 'don't speak to me like that' and expected an apology before I then gave a lift, the wifi back on or whatever. Just calm though.

Love bombing does work with teenagers though- they want you to accept them warts and all. Don't position him as 'bad'; see that he is like this due to bad role modelling, deal with it incredibly firmly, but then give him an option to be that better person. He's 12, he has good qualities, listen about his games, take him out to do stuff, get him into climbing or sports that have other good male role models and community groups. This is a turning point, but don't reject him emotionally when, to be honest, you (in your family) kind of made him this way.

Well, then.

You will have to put up with it or make some serious changes in your entire household by getting rid of his abusive example of a parent.

You have no chance of sorting this if his dad treats you the same way and you let him.

SuperfluousHen

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n517/mode/2up

This. Would not put up with this. Especially from a 12 year old. Punish. Every time. Little shit

He does make breakfast for himself but I do like him to have a treat on a Sunday and relax in his room/in bed.

Misbehaving children don't get treats.

I haven't read all the comments so apologies if i repeat something.

I was very rude to my mum as a teen - I liked the idea of confrontation and a shouting match but my parents just ignored my insults and swearing - other kids parents went ballistic at them - they had their personal stereos taken away or they were grounded - my parents just ignored the insults or the rudeness and they used the silent treatment, we were still taken places and didn't have any consequences but both me and my brother got bored because the bad behaviour got us no attention what so ever. I would have loved a bit of being read the riot act - so I could go to school and say "guess what my mum has done now". I did the same with my kids and also with swearing - I was never reprimanded for swearing and I don't pull my kids up on it - hence they rarely swear!!! Sometimes staying silent and not rising to it works wonders!

Whilst I agree wholeheartedly that the behaviour is clearly learned, 12 years old is old enough to recognise that what he’s saying is deeply unkind (at best).
I absolutely would not be taking him bowling etc until he can demonstrate a base level of respect. Activities such as that are privileges.

@EvilsElsasPetSnowman

its not normal preteen behaviour at all!!

You’ve totally rewarded his bad behaviour here. You’ve undermined your own authority as parent.

Take controllers and phone off ds.

You will be well shot of your husband. What an arse hole.

The question should be....

Why the fuckitty fuck are you making breakfast in bed for someone who abuses you?

You deserve better so expect better.

I think I'd start by not even acknowledging his existence when he calls me names. Don't even show you are aware he's present and speaking to you.

When he speaks to you nicely respond.

This isn't asd or adhd. This isn't meltdown and uncontrollable use of language which may or may not result in insults.

This is deliberate abuse.

Monkey see monkey do your child is a product of their environment sadly and all your other children will follow suit and untill you change things it will only get worst.

You will probably also find that your child ends up with mental health issues because when he treats other people the way he treats you he will get bullied.

I'd have eaten it. He could make his own. Fucks sake.

I have a teen boy, a few years older than yours. He is occasionally rude to me. If he insults me, it is very simple. I don't cook or wash his clothes or help find his shoes or give him a lift. Pocket money stops and I don't top up his phone. All co-operation ceases until he apologises properly and means it.

You do not accept that shit. Not from his father either. No exceptions. You must stand your ground. They soon learn some respect.

'thanks for that comment son! That's another one of your presents gone for Christmas'

Yeah me too!

He has been taught that this is how you treat women so he's just repeating what has been modelled as 'normal'. He gets served breakfast in bed AFTER he's been mean? No motivation to ever stop treating you the way he is.

I hope that there is still time to overturn the 'lessons' he's learnt OP but you have to make the necessary changes. Good luck

Thank you xx

Sorry, more fool you

You didn't need to withhold food, but he shouldn't have had it served to him in his bedroom

If he wanted it he could get up and go downstairs