Very rude teen son

[ChristmasHound]

Seeking some advice please. My (almost) teen son has become extremely rude and disrespectful towards me/his sibling and occasionally his Dad but mostly towards me. He’s begun to insult my appearance calling me “Megamind”, says how big my nose is, walks up to me measuring my forehead and has begun to say “you’re a big girl” and insults my teeth. (I’m only a size 10 and petite) We look extremely similar, same nose, forehead, teeth etc so I tell him he’s just insulting himself as we look the same. He also constantly uses how I have ADHD as an insult “ok ADHD” (He is currently being assessed himself for ASD and ADHD) He’s in a class with many friends who are autistic or have ADHD.

It’s a huge problem though and very waring. I just took his breakfast up to his room as a Sunday treat and first thing he said was “oh you’re looking like a Megamind today!” 🙄

Soon to be leaving. Getting a plan together. His Dad is vile when driving and calls women fat messes/look at that disgusting thing/look at her, off to McDonald’s to stuff her face I bet! DS finds it hilarious. Insults me, has referred to me as Cletus (the slack jawed yokel) from The Simpsons (DH has)

He’s learnt it from his dad. So make him an ex if he isn’t already.
Consequences. Every single time. You didn’t need to refuse to feed him. You could have taken the food downstairs. He could have it when he came down and apologised. Time to step up and parent him.

So all you've taught him there is he can insult and abuse someone and they'll still serve him whatever he wants on a platter. At the very least you should have taken it back downstairs so he would have to fetch it himself.

Op you absolutely need to nip this in the bud, this is how abusive men are made, their mothers did their bidding even when they were abusing her so they think they are entitled to do that.

Ok there we go, get out as soon as possible and just hope it isn't too late for your DS not to turn in to him. It's going to take a hell of a lot of work though if these are the messages he's been sent for the first 12 years of his life

I think I'd have said 'oh, well I'd made you breakfast but I feel a bit hurt by how you've treated me, so I think until you can be kinder I won't make breakfast for you anymore. I'm going to take this breakfast back to the kitchen. There's plenty of cereal in the cupboard and if you r hungry you r welcome to make breakfast for yourself. When you start treating me a little nicer, being a little kinder, then I will start making your breakfast for you again'.....

Let's not blame his abusive comments on a diagnosed condition. I'm sure he can stop it. Stop giving lifts and making his breakfast if the abuse continues and tell him so. He's old enough to make himself some toast. This seems to be learned behaviour from his dad

Consequences-

When DH is out of the house I immediately turn off his Wi-Fi. It worked like a treat! He was amazed and could not work out how I did it. I made him do chores and remain downstairs until I decided it was time.

When DH is home this is not an option unfortunately. He’s a gamer and turning off the Wi-Fi would mean he couldn’t play his video games. Hes point blank refused to let me turn it off.

Reasoning - I have tried reasoning with DS. That’s hurtful, that hurts my feelings. I normally get a sarcastic response.

I try shutting him down- that is not acceptable. We do not insult people in this house. He’s also said in the past - well, Daddy calls you names, why can’t I? Why don’t you take Daddy’s phone away when he insults you/is rude?

@BaklavaRocks no one would listen to all that.

Edited- cross posted with OP

Has he been watching Andrew Tate content online at all?

OP there is no one as insensitive, unkind and degrading as a preteen child. They think they’re being funny but don’t quite have the maturity to realise how hurtful their words are.

I wouldn’t throw the insult back at him. Model kind behaviour - as the mum of a preteen myself it’s SO hard when they’re being cheeky but keep the upper hand and don’t stoop.

You need clear boundaries and warnings and punishments. “If you continue to insult my appearance you will have your phone removed for a week”. And follow through on it.

But remember preteens are a total normal messy minefield. This isn’t who he is it’s just what he’s doing right now

He does make breakfast for himself but I do like him to have a treat on a Sunday and relax in his room/in bed. I don’t mind but obviously not when he insults me as soon as he opens his door.

try shutting him down- that is not acceptable. We do not insult people in this house. He’s also said in the past - well, Daddy calls you names, why can’t I? Why don’t you take Daddy’s phone away when he insults you/is rude?

because adult relationships are complicated and as you’re only 12 I don’t need to explain myself to you. I can’t turn the WiFi right now but I can remove all of your devices, you can have them back in a week or so once you’ve proven you can speak to me respectfully.

Hello. I’ m sorry, this all sounds really hard. Your DH has treated you appallingly and it must be very painful for you to have your son also treating you disrespectfully. I’m glad to hear you are planning on leaving your DH as it sounds like this likely comes from him, your son is picking up on his behaviour and is imitating it. You really need to get out sooner rather than later. There does need to be consequences for bad behaviour but this can be hard if your DH does not support you. Once you’ve left it’ll hopefully be easier. Also perhaps other family members can step in and tell him his behaviour is not ok? Is there anyone in particular he likes/respects? Maybe that’s not realistic or possible but just a thought. You deserve better. Best wishes.

It's not normal at all, I've had three pre teens and none of them have ever insulted me like that. Grumpiness is perfectly normal, answering back to a certain degree is normal.

Oh no, he sounds awful. No class, no taste, no filter, no empathy, no maturity.

This is not a brag...but honestly, I've been with my dh for almost 30 years and I've never known him to insult a woman's appearance like that.

You are right, it is NOT good for your kids to be raised around this. It's so nasty.

Does his dad stick up for him if you try to have consequences?

So why are you staying with an abusive husband?

I wouldn't reason or explain to a twelve year old. They know that what they're doing is rude and unacceptable. Honestly it demeans us when we're pleading with them to think of our feelings. You set your own boundaries as to how you EXPECT to be treated.

You need an immediate and clear consequence. And he needs a shock at what you will remove.

He should not have been given his breakfast and at 12 he should be able to go and get his own breakfast anyway. So you're not removing food from him.

And the sooner your dead weight of a bully boy husband goes the better. Start sticking up for yourself with both of them.

You deserve better in your home that this level of verbal abuse.

I don't think it's a case of reasoning with him, but setting boundaries kindly and firmly, if that makes sense? You can calmly say "I won't be spoken to like that" (or something along those lines) every time, and just walk away. And like others have said, any consequences can be explained in advance, very matter of fact and then follow through calmly. No need to get drawn into his backchat or any debate.

That, I know, is easier said that done!

Sooo hard for you if his dad behaves like that though, I'm sorry you're going through that and hope you manage to get out.

I’d leave temporarily, until the husband is gone. Couldn’t put up with that.

He won’t starve if you walk away with his breakfast. I presume he can get out of bed and get himself something to eat?

Believe it or not he can actually be really lovely, I’ve caught him cuddling his sibling when no one is looking but immediately leaps away when he knows I’m looking. He’s highly intelligent too but his words are cutting. We’ve joked that he would be a good judge on X Factor etc. He can be mean.

He is going through puberty right now and last time he was very mean I did pull him up, called him downstairs and told him how disrespectful he was acting. He surprised me by crying, he was so upset. DH and I were surprised by his reaction as he never cries. DH also was surprised at how stern I was, he had never seen that side before. I did feel guilty to see him cry though.

I'd turn the internet off, hell soon start behaving himself

Tell him you will not be spoken to like that and go out for the day. Leave him and his vile father to enjoy their toxic little jokes together. They don't get to treat you like that.

I see his point - his dad gets to talk to you like that so why can't he. By still being with his father you are showing him that you aren't worth better treatment. Get rid of your husband ASAP and make sure your son knows it is because he treats you like shit. Hopefully it's not too late for your son to realise you won't be treated like this and find respect for you.