Very rude teen son

[ChristmasHound]

Seeking some advice please. My (almost) teen son has become extremely rude and disrespectful towards me/his sibling and occasionally his Dad but mostly towards me. He’s begun to insult my appearance calling me “Megamind”, says how big my nose is, walks up to me measuring my forehead and has begun to say “you’re a big girl” and insults my teeth. (I’m only a size 10 and petite) We look extremely similar, same nose, forehead, teeth etc so I tell him he’s just insulting himself as we look the same. He also constantly uses how I have ADHD as an insult “ok ADHD” (He is currently being assessed himself for ASD and ADHD) He’s in a class with many friends who are autistic or have ADHD.

It’s a huge problem though and very waring. I just took his breakfast up to his room as a Sunday treat and first thing he said was “oh you’re looking like a Megamind today!” 🙄

Why do you want him to have a treat when he's behaving so foully? You're teaching him this is an acceptable way to treat women, doing him no favours in the long run.

Your son is right: father is a misogynistic twat and you don't give him any consequences. Thus your son feels entitled to act as his dad does.

I have in my family this exact dynamic. Eerily similar. Mother is 100% on the side of DS (diagnosed ASD), would defend him even if he killed someone, never issue serious consequences to serious behaviour. Father on the one hand leads his son's behaviour by setting the example. On the other hand (i.e. when it immediately affects his life) responds to son with vile, degrading insults and overly harsh punitive punishments.

I don't know what this sort of toxic family dynamic is called. But I've seen it in action. Child grows up feeling hugely entitled. Has led to massive power conflicts at school. He's simply not a nice person to be around really. No one takes responsibility for his behaviour, not least the boy himself. Everyone just blames someone else i.e. mum/dad/school.

Yep, be really firm with this and consequences every time. Demand respect from him.

Also spend 1:1 time with him doing something he enjoys, bowling, cinema, gaming etc build that relationship back up.

My AUDHD teen wouldn't dream of speaking to me like that.

He needs to learn the real consequences of being nasty to people. I would explain to him that you will never bring him breakfast in bed again because he was rude to you.Then never do it again in your life. Otherwise you are showing him that his mum will remain servile even when he treats her like shit. At the moment he is getting a random consequence like the WiFi switched off.

Also, you should not feel guilty about him crying. Being upset is the right reaction for him to have after being horrible to you and you should be relieved he has normal emotions. It would be far more worrying if he wasn’t upset.

Like father like son I’m afraid

OMG I managed to miss this.

Wow. Well your son is just learning from his dad then?

No wonder your son is expressing himself disrespectfully. He is obviously testing the waters with you,

I would bring your plans forward to leave op. Poor lad. All of that sweetness will dissipate if his dad’s behaviour is unchallenged in his presence.

Do you have any other strong women in your life that you can bring in to your home op to support you? Aunts, friends, work colleagues who won’t tolerate any misogynistic nonsense?

He does idolise his Dad unfortunately. I’m not perfect by any means but it does feel like our son has an angel and a devil on each shoulder, one who tries to get him to be a good person, kind and have empathy and another who completely undoes any positive attitudes I try for him to have.

This is a common problem when you live with an abuser and it’s not often recognised. Lundy Bancroft talks about this in his book and says that women are often abused twice, the second time by their children. Women’s aid can help you with this.

Two of my friends who were abused by their husbands were also abused by their teenage children and continue to be abused now those children are adults. You need help from professional people who understand this dynamic because if you don’t this will be your relationship with your son for the rest of your life.

His complaint that it isn’t fair he doesn’t get to abuse you is very very worrying. He knows what he is doing and he doesn’t feel any remorse about it. You will not earn his respect by being a skivvy and giving him treats, you’ll get more of the same and worse.

DH would not talk like that in front of others, he’s seen as a brilliant husband. I’m so lucky etc. My Mum and Dad pull him up though (DS I mean)

Sometimes you are dealing with this well. Be consistent: a consequence every time. Yes, of course it's nice to treat your child but not if his behaviour says he doesn't value that treat!

The WiFi consequence clearly works well and when you're living away from STBXH you can apply this consistently.

Also, it's not nice seeing your child cry, but sometimes you have to resist the urge to fix it for them: he is learning the consequences of his actions while he goes through those emotions. You can be there for him, but don't feel guilty because it was his actions that led to an interaction with his mum that upset him.

I think the issue is you are not standing up for yourself against your DH and because of this your son sees you as weak and doesn't have any respect for you. Show both of them you are not going to be their punchbag any more and really mean it. You will gain respect from your son.

That’s a really difficult situation op. I’m sorry. You must feel worn down, undermined and embattled on all sides, all of which must be incredibly draining.

It’s very difficult to gather up the energy to leave in these circumstances. But if your parents are supportive, could you possibly bring your plans forward and go there?

DH has talked about DS being rude and disrespectful and has actually labelled him as “evil” and that there’s something wrong with him. (Not to his face)

You should have stated that Megamind is taking the breakfast right back to the dining room where he can come down and eat it.
He is insulting you. You should try immediate ramification for the insult.
"Instead of insulting me, can you think of one nice thing to say about me, please?" Ask him to sit down and write the compliment out in a note book before bringing it to show you.

Ground him and ban him from his devices until he has written a thoughful counter to his insult.
Force him to put nicer things into his mind.

It wouldn’t be an option unfortunately for various reasons. I’m currently awaiting a property to be ready to move into then I can go.

Your husband is vile but you sound like a wet lettuce. You need to be much more stern! Can’t believe you are making and taking breakfasts up to the room of a spoilt brat who literally insults you and calls you names. Rewarding him for awful behaviour!

Yep, @ChristmasHound exactly what @user50and said - about turn and he can get his own breakfast. Nip that right in the bud.

You wouldn’t be taking away food though. Either leave it downstairs to get himself and eat it and let him get his own breakfast. He is 12 and capable of making his own food, not a toddler.

By walking back out with the food you are taking away the treat which he doesn’t get because he was rude.

Your dh is a stinking hypocrite and you can't expect decent behaviour from your son unless you leave him or he radically changes. He's the boy's male role model ffs. I have experienced similar - children's father is an antivaxxer and unsurprisingly school nurse has contacted me on 2 occasions to say my son has refused his boosters. It's staggering how teenage boys take their lead from men and seem to totally disregard the input or influence of women. Your husband is outrightly abusive about female strangers. If he was abusing people because of their race, would you tolerate it?

@ChristmasHound you said ‘it just falls put of his mouth’ but it doesn’t really - he only occasionally insults his Dad but does it all the time with you because he knows he can get away with it. One, he is copying his Dad and two, you enable it by doing things that signal it is ok - e.g. letting him have the breakfast anyway. So, you need to toughen up with him and his Dad (I’d not be with the Dad) and you need to keep strong with your son.

Stop it. This woman wants to make a loving connection with her son. A good parent persists in doing so.
Loving her son is not being a wet lettuce fgs. His father's influence is awful and beyond his control...it is RIGHT that mum should take the lead when it comes to kindness.

Don't give her a telling off.

When you are ready to leave (hopefully asap), I suppose at his age and stage, you can explain to him that he can only come with you if he treats you like a decent human being. Think you should get him into some kind of therapy to unpick why behaving like his dad isn’t acceptable in life.

Could he also be scared/ confused about his own diagnosis and is hitting out at you becauce you have the same diagnosis ?

Do you have the name of the book, please?

Have you discussed with your H how childcare is being sorted.Will it be 50 50 or weekends?From experience I think your soon to be ex will not want much contact with your son.He wants to do his own thing ie gaming he calls the boy evil.When you are gone you are taking away the exes power over you so he has nothing to insult.I wonder if your soon to be ex is ND as well.Whilst you wait do not accept any insults from either of them you were stern with your son show both of them this again.I would show them real anger and walk away.I wish you strength.