Very rude teen son

[ChristmasHound]

Seeking some advice please. My (almost) teen son has become extremely rude and disrespectful towards me/his sibling and occasionally his Dad but mostly towards me. He’s begun to insult my appearance calling me “Megamind”, says how big my nose is, walks up to me measuring my forehead and has begun to say “you’re a big girl” and insults my teeth. (I’m only a size 10 and petite) We look extremely similar, same nose, forehead, teeth etc so I tell him he’s just insulting himself as we look the same. He also constantly uses how I have ADHD as an insult “ok ADHD” (He is currently being assessed himself for ASD and ADHD) He’s in a class with many friends who are autistic or have ADHD.

It’s a huge problem though and very waring. I just took his breakfast up to his room as a Sunday treat and first thing he said was “oh you’re looking like a Megamind today!” 🙄

My three sons were this age when I divorced their father.

I was very clear to them (rightly or wrongly) that one of the biggest reasons we were splitting up was because I didn’t want them to grow up thinking that it was ok for their Dad to talk to me the way he did. They had started to copy him.

Id watch one in particular, insult me and then look to his dad for approval, who would laugh.

I also was and still am VERY hard on disrespect. I’m not talking wet towels on the bathroom floor, I mean nasty gob-shittery which has resulted in various screen bans, and the router getting unplugged and locked in the garage etc.

They are turning into well mannered young men, but it’s hard, and we have had some spectacular rows, which I won. Obviously.

But this isn’t a teen issue really, it’s a husband issue and you need to get rid of him as fast as is humanly possible.

Cold. Shark. Address it, without passion, every time. No services unless he behaves properly.

How long is it going to take you to get away?

And does your husband know it's going to happen?

How obstructive will he be over the children?

Also op you could have turned around and said, if you want your breakfast, it’ll be downstairs.
And from then on, stop taking breakfasts up to his bedroom.

I tell you something else which won’t win me any points on MN; one of them, in the same tone as their father, called me a “lazy whore.” He was 12. I slapped him as hard as I could, and then slapped his arm as he turned away. His brothers were watching. And then I ranted as loud as I could about how I’ll wipe the features off their fucking faces if there was ever ever a repeat of anything like that. And there hasn’t been. Their father wasn’t violent towards me and the only violence in the house was that day, me to son, mid divorce.

I think it shocked all three of them. Proportionate means of achieving a legitimate aim. I felt sick but I’d do it again if I had to. But I haven’t.

He doesn’t know of my plans but possibly he has picked up on something as he’s being really nice. It could potentially take around 6 months, I’m on the waiting list with the council/HA. I was given a timeline of 4-6 months. Fingers crossed 🤞

Your not-so-DH is refusing to recognise his role in DS's behaviour and is also labelling the child, not the behaviour. Both very unhelpful.

DS is not evil, as you know. You may need to deal with his behaviour for a good few months before you see improvement, though, because of his dad's influence, and even then, as a PP has said, every time he comes back from his dad's it might get worse briefly.

Stay strong, be consistent. Children who have one reliable, good parent tend to do ok in the long run. But consistency is key.

I can imagine he will be very difficult when it comes to the children. The last time I left him (kicked him out) He was crying to our oldest that Mammy wouldn’t let him in the house and has kicked him out, even though it was because of his horrible behaviour/threats.

Kick him out again. Do it.

I really hope so. He will be with me more than his Dad so hopefully that will make a difference to his attitude. I’m hoping for him to have some counselling or family therapy (just me and him) to work through some of the beliefs he’s picked up and witnessed.

I’ve only just seen this post quoted.

Your son IS being a ‘horrible child’ and a ‘vile little boy’. I think the very least he’d get in response from me would be one of those followed by ‘shut up’. It’s a distasteful irony that his dad is trying to tell him off when he’s given him all his tools but he’s not actually wrong in what he’s saying.

If your response to your sons vile streak towards you is breakfast in bed and defending him then I think you may be more of an influence on this then you’re aware.

It’s quite normal to fawn to someone who’s abusive to you, and to do things for them so they like you and stop abusing you. But it doesn’t work as the breakfast demonstrated.
You need a long term plan and you need to get to a place where you don’t need your sons approval. He knows you want him to like and respect you and you are demeaning yourself in his eyes by seeking it.

Stop giving a shit what he might think about you. He’s a child and he’s rude and verbally abusive. Stop lifts, treats and any other services he enjoys. He’s old enough to do his own washing and other things around the house. He’s old enough to be left at home for a few hours as well.

@ChristmasHound I hope you get somewhere to move to ASAP. Must be very very difficult, obviously your grim husbands attitude and insults at you are a massive factor here. Big congratulations on getting your ducks in a row x

You need to grow up. I mean that kindly. Stop letting people abuse you. Your son and DH were surprised because you stuck up for yourself! You should never gave tolerated this gross behavior from either if them in the first place. You teach people how to treat you. Get out fast, safely, and remember that your vulnerable children are watching you and learning.

Sit him down, make sure he is looking you in the eye and read him the riot act. You are his mother. He should show love and respect for you at all times. he should appreciate all that you do for him. Ask how he would feel if you mocked him all day long, if instead of love, he got a barrage of scorn. Make sure he answers the question. Give him an example if he needs one - look at him with a smirk and say something rude about him. Ask how it would feel for your own mother to constantly put you down. Get an answer.

Ask him what sort of thing he could say that he thinks would make you feel happy and loved by him. Get him to suggest some ideas. Explain that a confident person has no need to put down the people who love them, and if he knows how to treat you well, from the ideas he's just come up with, then he has no excuse for ever treating you badly again.

I would tell him that you have a strong and healthy sense of your self worth and you have no time for bullies, so that if it ever happens again - even once, the following will change: You and his father will no longer pay his phone - cancellation immediately. You will no longer give him lifts anywhere - not to school, sports, friends, nowhere. You will no longer prioritise buying food he likes or cooking his favourite meals. You will no longer do any washing for him. The reason for this is because you will never in your life be kind to someone who bullies you. You don't have to, so you won't. The easy solution to him continuing to have an easy life is for him to never ever mistreat you or any family member like that again. And now he has to do a chore and write you a letter of apology if he wants you not to implement these changes.

I am a very soft mum. Too soft. I know this and my DC know it too. I am a pushover in too any ways except one - they are never allowed to mock me or take me for granted. Soon as they do, they get that warning and they know I mean it 100%.

All this changing your own parenting is fairly pointless unless you get away from the male role model who is modelling this on a daily basis, and that you are yourself perpetuating by taking him breakfast in bed and giving it to him when he is rude.

Giving him a talking to, or even a slap like one poster (!) isn't going to help.

You have created this monster to some extent, sorry OP, but you have. I know I've made my children less emotionally regulated than I'd like by shouting a lot when they were young, but I do own it.

Everyone saying he's vile, horrible- no, he's copying. He thinks that's what grown-up males do to women.

I bet his dad will be too lazy himself to come over much if and when you throw him out again (and I hope you do or move out yourself). I think you have a tipping point here- but within two years, when he's 14 and stronger and bigger, it will be much much harder, so act now (or soon) if you can, OP.

Why is it you going this time?

And what persuaded you to take him back?

Let your husband cry. Let him blame you. Shut the door and give your children a calm home where they relearn how men and women can interact, and you can support them to develop emotionally without having it all undone by this awful man. Calling you derogatory names and getting others to mock you IS abuse, OP.

He’s old enough to go downstairs and make his own breakfast! It’s not taking food away, it’s withdrawing the treat of you making it for him and bringing to his room, which he clearly doesn’t deserve. By still giving it to him you’re rewarding his behaviour and showing him he can get away with it.

Or his partner will be posting on here about him in 15 years time. No, smack this hard down now, get his father to do it. How dare he treat you like this? Laugh in his face!

I just took his breakfast up to his room as a Sunday treat

Why are you doing that? Good grief, I wouldn't do it as a treat and yet you still gave him breakfast in bed after he spoke to you like rubbish? No wonder he speaks to you like this, you're sending out the message it's ok to speak to mum like shit because she puts up with it and he'll still get waited on hand and foot no matter what.
What are you doing to stop this behaviour?

Or his partner will be posting on here about him in 15 years time. No, smack this hard down now, get his father to do it. How dare he treat you like this? Laugh in his face!

The son's father speaks to the OP like this. He gets the insults from him. The father approves. There's no sensible father here to step in and rein in the son, so it will be down to the OP and her actions.

Sure you shouldn’t withhold food as a punishment, but I wouldn’t be serving him breakfast in bed if she speaks to you like that. You should have done a 180 with the breakfast and taken it back downstairs.

This is his father’s fault for making him think it’s OK — even funny — not to treat you with respect. If you split up I imagine his father will say even worse stuff about you. But you can hopefully change your som’s attitude by pulling him up on it, calmly but unsmilingly, every time he is rude to you.

You say you kicked husband out previously? How come you let him come back??

When your husband calls him a vile little boy, why do you feel the need to defend this vile little boy? Do you disagree with your husband's assessment?

You really are encouraging your son to see you as weak, stupid and contemptible and that is why he treats you like this-weak, stupid and contemptible-for no other reason other than he can and get away with it.

Just as your husband will have been a vile little shit when he was a boy, his son is the same and here you here, blaming your husband and exoneratering the mini version, bringing him breakfast in bed!

Iis he copying his dad-yes-but many of us have shitty husbands but our children don't follow that example.

Why is yours? There is something in him that instead of being appalled by his dad, wants to copy him.

It may be genetic and you won't be able to stop him being a vile man but, while he is 12, you can put some manners on him-especially as your husband will support you in this at least.

You are very very silly and need to stop seeing your son as an innocent and start viewing him as a person who needs reigning in while is this age and you can.

If you bring him breakfast in bed again, defend his vile behaviour again-then you deserve what you get but sadly some girl-maybe my 12 year old daughter-will move in with him and reap the shite you have sown.