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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

420 replies

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

OP posts:
GridlockonMain · 01/12/2024 09:28

Fucking hell, what a creep. Surely he is not life enhancing to you?

Someone asking me to ‘play with him’ in bed would have my vagina slamming shut like a clam in polluted waters, even without all the other shit you have going on.

PeppyTealDuck · 01/12/2024 09:29

You don’t owe him OP. If he generously renovated your house, he has done it because he wanted to and you are not obliged to be paying it back.
This is a wake up call for you. Get rid of the old manbaby and take care of yourself.

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:29

Pinkissmart · 01/12/2024 09:27

Do you think people stop growing/ developing at a certain age? Everyone has a battlefield.
Your comment is deeply unpleasant and smacks of ageism.

Just trauma of past relationships affecting me. I know you guys are correct!

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 01/12/2024 09:30

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:56

Thanks! He’s been very, very generous back home and he is a widower so I cut him some slack. I care about him and know he needs excitement and affection but I’m not a trained dog. And sex is so far from my mind that I can’t believe he expects it on this trip.

Stick him on a plane back home. Economy.

Cherrysoup · 01/12/2024 09:32

Change his flight, send him home. You haven’t got time to pander to his appalling behaviour. He sounds foul.

AshLeaf · 01/12/2024 09:32

Given you’ve paid for a first class ticket, you have the flexibility to change it. I would do that, then drive him back to the airport. You can then manage the rest of your stay (maybe even extend it if you need to?) in peace

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:33

GridlockonMain · 01/12/2024 09:28

Fucking hell, what a creep. Surely he is not life enhancing to you?

Someone asking me to ‘play with him’ in bed would have my vagina slamming shut like a clam in polluted waters, even without all the other shit you have going on.

Trust me, it did. No, he wants me to “service him”. In my parents’ bed. Absolutely not doing it but it’s hard having him here sulking and I’m feeling very low and insecure right now.

OP posts:
HonoraBridge · 01/12/2024 09:33

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Of course it isn’t “a right”!

Burntout101 · 01/12/2024 09:34

Get rid , he sounds awful
Tell him he's sleeping on the sofa until his flight home

RealFish · 01/12/2024 09:34

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Burntout101 · 01/12/2024 09:34

AshLeaf · 01/12/2024 09:32

Given you’ve paid for a first class ticket, you have the flexibility to change it. I would do that, then drive him back to the airport. You can then manage the rest of your stay (maybe even extend it if you need to?) in peace

Do this

Forrressstloverr · 01/12/2024 09:35

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/12/2024 08:54

sex-on-demand is NEVER a right - HTH.

You’ve nailed it.

jeaux90 · 01/12/2024 09:35

AshLeaf · 01/12/2024 09:32

Given you’ve paid for a first class ticket, you have the flexibility to change it. I would do that, then drive him back to the airport. You can then manage the rest of your stay (maybe even extend it if you need to?) in peace

This. Then have a good think about why your boundaries are so low.

Focus on what you went there for rather than catering for this revolting sex pest.

You have a daughter to set an example for.

bluebeck · 01/12/2024 09:35

Tell him to leave. Right now. Off he fucks.

He is no longer your problem.

Pinkissmart · 01/12/2024 09:35

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No need to beat up the OP over it.

NagathaCrispy · 01/12/2024 09:36

Book him a ticket home (Economy!), book him a taxi to the airport and get rid! What a shabby excuse of a man.

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:36

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If it were me protecting anyone else, the guy would be toast. I understand I am being pathetic. Thanks for the reinforcement.

OP posts:
Bestfootforward11 · 01/12/2024 09:36

Hello. I’m so sorry for your loss, this must be such a painful time. I’m glad your daughter is with you. To answer your question.: no, sex on demand on this kind of trip is absolutely not ok and sex on demand generally is absolutely not ok too. You do not owe him anything and he is not ‘entitled’ to have sex with you whenever he wants just because you are in a relationship. There seems to be a major emotional disconnect here, I mean I would’ve thought it’s pretty obvious you’re going to be in a painful headspace right now and he’s not even trying to think what your needs might be. Being generous with gifts is easy if you have the money, actually trying to understand and support your partner is the hard stuff and he’s proving severely lacking. I hope you’re ok. Best wishes.

Noshowlomo · 01/12/2024 09:36

He’s not your husband? Fuck this, leave. What a selfish idiot

Ginnnny · 01/12/2024 09:37

Your partner sounds like an absolute wanker. Can you send him home? Did you pay for him to come with you and is he seeing it as a free holiday? Doesn’t sound like he’s helping with the actual task at hand.

PenguinLover24 · 01/12/2024 09:37

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:08

You’re all correct. I’m being weak and I’m not going to stand for this treatment. I’m actually seen as a very strong woman in the public eye. I don’t know why I can’t seem to assert myself with partners! Time to see a shrink…

Don't be hard on yourself op you are going through a lot at the moment (so sorry for your loss) and it easy to ignore things when you have a lot on your mind. But you're right, you shouldn't stand for this treatment, you deserve to live without this disgusting man and you and your daughter deserve to go through this horrible time in life without added stress and pressure. Looking at your update after this one shows this as well, my mum has just left someone who thought because he took her on a couple of holidays and did some work on the house he was then allowed to get away with everything else, it's like he used it against her to get away with other bad behaviour (in this case his drinking, narcissistic abusive behaviour) but he said he didn't know why she was leaving because he had never hit her 🤣 what a basis for a relationship eh? He's not treating you with respect or giving you support through a hard time in life but I bet he'd want you there when he starts to decline running around after him! You know what to do op, you've got this, remember who you are x

InSpainTheRain · 01/12/2024 09:37

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Just to point out that sex-on-demand is never right, unless both people want it. The fact that he expects this on a trip to deal with your parents' estate is awful. I completely understand where you are coming from, I have lost both my parents in the last 3 years, honestly it really affected me badly and I certainly didn't want sex. Let alone in their old house when I was sorting their things out! (But no pressure from DH as he's a decent man and 100% understood without being told).

I would really urge you to assess if you really want to be in a relationship with him. He sounds absolutely awful and so lacking in empathy and understanding he is a lot cause. Particularly at this difficult time I'd urge you to take several steps back from him, concentrate on your parent's things and resolving that and consider leaving him permanently because I don't see any redeeming qualities that he has.

HotSlippergirl · 01/12/2024 09:38

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex is never a right. The only person you have a right to have sex with is yourself. Not someone else.

Your partner is a horrible, selfish man. Please leave him.

RealFish · 01/12/2024 09:39

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thepariscrimefiles · 01/12/2024 09:39

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:24

I posted this because I spent ages searching the topic of “guilt sex” online and so may sites said it was not right to not respect his sexual needs.

Yuck! I can just imagine what sort of sites they were. No-one's sexual needs need to be respected if that means someone having sex that they do not want.