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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

420 replies

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 13/01/2025 12:43

I've read the whole thread and firstly I'd like to say that I'm so sorry for your loss (of your parents).
Next, I'm delighted to read the update you posted yesterday that you're now home and you're now no longer seeing him.

Can I ask you whether you decided to change his ticket to economy class and leave yours & your daughter's tickets as business class for the return leg of the journey? I would have and you would have been completely within your rights to do that.

This bloke sounds really grim and the fact that he was paying for improvements to your house, those are gifts. You are and were under no obligation except to say "Thank you for such a generous gift". None. No sex, no 'playing with him', nothing. He's a sleezy widower only after one thing now, and probably believes in is own head that he's the new Hugh Heffner (that's the impression I'm getting in my head about him).

Onwards and upwards!!!

Pickytraveller1964 · 13/01/2025 13:05

I didn’t need to. I just made myself unavailable and he seems to have taken the hint. I hate drama if it can be avoided because I tend to go nuclear and the devastation is widespread. But I have now confided in friends around me and I’ve got lots of moral support. I’m also back to working so I don’t have time to deal with him. After all, he said I’d never be able to make enough money to offset the trip costs so it is easy to justify being totally unavailable while being annoyingly cheerful. Heck, it appears to have driven him to China. He didn’t even ask me to babysit his dog, instead contacting his first wife. It seems to be moving in the right direction!

OP posts:
NotbloodyGivingupYet · 13/01/2025 14:23

Very well played OP, looks like you've got the trash to take itself out!

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 13/01/2025 21:23

Pickytraveller1964 · 13/01/2025 13:05

I didn’t need to. I just made myself unavailable and he seems to have taken the hint. I hate drama if it can be avoided because I tend to go nuclear and the devastation is widespread. But I have now confided in friends around me and I’ve got lots of moral support. I’m also back to working so I don’t have time to deal with him. After all, he said I’d never be able to make enough money to offset the trip costs so it is easy to justify being totally unavailable while being annoyingly cheerful. Heck, it appears to have driven him to China. He didn’t even ask me to babysit his dog, instead contacting his first wife. It seems to be moving in the right direction!

Wow!
So glad he got the hint and you didn't need to get nuclear. That happens to me too, I know how you feel about that.
Good on you lady. You come across as a true lady to me and I wish you all the best for the future and I hope that one day you find your companion for the rest of your life x

Pickytraveller1964 · 10/03/2025 02:40

Thought I’d give you all an update. He is now threatening to sue me for a minimum of $75,000 up to $185,000 for « expenses for gifts when he thought we were in a long-term relationship ». What prompted this was me foolishly meeting him for dinner with a mutual friend. I paid for my own meal. After dinner, the friend pulled me aside and said that my ex-partner had asked if the friend would like to have me for dessert. The friend was appalled and alarmed. I was too, since I wondered how I was supposed to be convinced to engage in non-consensual sex (but I wasn’t going to stick around to find out!) I got in my car and left without saying goodbye. Then I got an email from the creep with a « proposal » that we should « hit the reset button and start over ». I did not answer. Last week I received a text asking me to clarify if I was truly ending the relationship (because apparently it was not obvious by now???!!!). I replied that it was over because I could not possibly meet his sexual requirements and I wished him happiness in the future. Two minutes later I got a bill for $74,314.38 to « repay a loan for home repairs he paid for in the expectation of a long-term relationship». I don’t know where that number came from but I am assuming he added up everything he bought in his quest to fix up my house to his standards. I replied that I was unaware of a loan and that he is guilty of the crime of attempted sexual coercion and detailed his attempt to « pimp me out ». He wrote back enraged, calling me a liar and insane and said he would sue me for an additional $108,750 if I did not pay up immediately. I replied that I documented the recent event in texts and emails with our mutual friend and that his text is threatening and insulting me, that he appeared to be drawing his behaviour from France’s horrific Giselle Pelicot case, that I do not feel safe and that my next call would be to the police. I did call the police and they have opened a file. But that does not mean he won’t still try to sue me. What a hideous sociopath!

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 10/03/2025 04:07

But that does not mean he won’t still try to sue me.

he's so full of shit, @Pickytraveller1964 of course he isn't going to sue you!

why are you still engaging with him. Just ignore him, permanently. block and move on, keep this vile waste of space sociopath out of your life, he's just enjoying playing games with you so don't feed that troll.

Pickytraveller1964 · 10/03/2025 04:55

Don’t worry. He is now more than blocked! If he tries to contact me again, I will take out an FVO. Ugh! I thought I was safe in the company of another person at a neutral site. Guess not!

OP posts:
ThankULord · 10/03/2025 05:28

OP, so sorry to hear about this update.
Hope you are alright. Be tight on your security. He sounds unhinged.
He couldn't have developed these traits suddenly, it seems more like he has always been a ..... I have no adjectives.
I am so so glad he is out of your life.
Stay safe.

mathanxiety · 10/03/2025 05:51

Pickytraveller1964 · 10/03/2025 02:40

Thought I’d give you all an update. He is now threatening to sue me for a minimum of $75,000 up to $185,000 for « expenses for gifts when he thought we were in a long-term relationship ». What prompted this was me foolishly meeting him for dinner with a mutual friend. I paid for my own meal. After dinner, the friend pulled me aside and said that my ex-partner had asked if the friend would like to have me for dessert. The friend was appalled and alarmed. I was too, since I wondered how I was supposed to be convinced to engage in non-consensual sex (but I wasn’t going to stick around to find out!) I got in my car and left without saying goodbye. Then I got an email from the creep with a « proposal » that we should « hit the reset button and start over ». I did not answer. Last week I received a text asking me to clarify if I was truly ending the relationship (because apparently it was not obvious by now???!!!). I replied that it was over because I could not possibly meet his sexual requirements and I wished him happiness in the future. Two minutes later I got a bill for $74,314.38 to « repay a loan for home repairs he paid for in the expectation of a long-term relationship». I don’t know where that number came from but I am assuming he added up everything he bought in his quest to fix up my house to his standards. I replied that I was unaware of a loan and that he is guilty of the crime of attempted sexual coercion and detailed his attempt to « pimp me out ». He wrote back enraged, calling me a liar and insane and said he would sue me for an additional $108,750 if I did not pay up immediately. I replied that I documented the recent event in texts and emails with our mutual friend and that his text is threatening and insulting me, that he appeared to be drawing his behaviour from France’s horrific Giselle Pelicot case, that I do not feel safe and that my next call would be to the police. I did call the police and they have opened a file. But that does not mean he won’t still try to sue me. What a hideous sociopath!

He clearly hasn't a legal leg to stand on - a loan requires signed papers or a handshake. This idea of his clearly includes a form of prostitution/ sexual coercion, so he's not acknowledging any agreement on your part.

Talk to a respected lawyer.

Imbusytodaysorry · 10/03/2025 07:53

Pickytraveller1964 · 10/03/2025 04:55

Don’t worry. He is now more than blocked! If he tries to contact me again, I will take out an FVO. Ugh! I thought I was safe in the company of another person at a neutral site. Guess not!

OP kindly you were warned off him by others months ago . You have still be involved with this abusive blackmailing manipulative person.

Imbusytodaysorry · 10/03/2025 07:55

Obviously you know there was no loan don’t say anything to him he can pull you over the coals for . No verbal loan he would need to prove it and his mesage has clearly stated he is blackmailing you .
There was never a loan or there would be a written one .
Just keep saying what loan. If asked officially there was never any loan

id report this creep

Fannyfiggs · 10/03/2025 07:58

My good lord, what a horrible, creepy creature he is. Hope you're okay ❤️

TiggyTomCat · 10/03/2025 08:19

Sorry to hear this - make sure you screen shot his messages before he has a chance to delete them. You might need them.

LoyalMember · 10/03/2025 08:23

What, in the name of f#ck, are you doing wasting your life and time with this arsehole of a manchild?

EDIT: Just read that you've chucked him. Well done, you...

Pickytraveller1964 · 10/03/2025 08:54

I have reported him now. I was worried before that he might have dementia and that is why I was not overly nasty when I distanced myself initially. Now he has shown his true colours as a sociopath to me with witnesses and in writing. I am sure now that he would have tried to claim the loan earlier too, if he had been certain that he was permanently dumped. At least the way it played out, he really laid out for potential judges what he was up to all along. Before it would have been simply my word against his and if he had made himself appear like the sweet elderly widower with me as the evil gold digger, I would have been in a terrible position. It’s worth having had to go through this final humiliation to make sure others saw what he has been doing.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 10/03/2025 09:20

Jesus, what an absolute creep. Glad you've got the police involved. Absolutely do not engage with him any further. Render yourself uncontactable. He sounds like a predator.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 10/03/2025 09:38

Ugh. Just goes to show, nasty people don't stop being nasty just because they are older.
Well done for reporting the creep. He was really playing the long game with you, wasn't he!

Electricalb · 10/03/2025 09:50

Well done involving the police.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 10/03/2025 13:40

Thanks for the update @Pickytraveller1964
What a nutcase!!!?!
So glad you've contacted the police about him, he's not right in the head.
Jeez where do all these nutters come from lol stay safe lovely xx

VielleTruite · 12/03/2025 22:23

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex on demand is NOT a 'right' at any time! He sounds a 29-carat bastard. Do what you need to do to wind up your late parents' estate, then kick his lazy, scrounging arse out into the gutter as soon as you get home.

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