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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

420 replies

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

OP posts:
JWhipple · 01/12/2024 08:59

Nobody can ever demand sex from anyone else and expect it if the other person does not want to.
Its not sex or "playing with" if there is bullying, coercion or force involved.
It's rape or sexual assault.

Hope that helps

On the practical side. Maybe leave him somewhere remote with no phone, get on with what you need to do and leave him there.
I think you'd be doing everyone a favour.

mumzof4x · 01/12/2024 08:59

Doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. Nothing wrong with an intimate cuddle with your SO even during stressful events, however this sounds more like a spoilt child who wants constant attention
Amd what on earth is he checking his phone for overnight ?
Spare room
You sound like a reasonable and very busy person . When you have the head space perhaps have a good think about what you're gaining out of this relationship.
Set some boundaries. Say no. If you didn't want him with you and your daughter that's perfectly reasonable and you shouldn't have to justify it or tolerate his behaviour
Send him home and economy !
I'm very sorry for your loss

Dimpliy · 01/12/2024 08:59

You’re presumably an independent woman of means. Why have you lumbered yourself with this sex pest buffoon?

Tell him to go home. Economy class.

Runskiyoga · 01/12/2024 08:59

Enjoy your trip knowing you are going to dump his ass the moment you get home. Leave him to fund his own old age and satisfy his own complaints. You are not a bank, a servant or a sex worker, and you no longer need to be a partner or a spouse. You can leave for any reason you want to.

Tuhlula · 01/12/2024 09:00

This can't be real

Motnight · 01/12/2024 09:00

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

No one ever has a right to sex on demand.

bluebeck · 01/12/2024 09:01

Of course sex on demand isn’t some kind of right. How could you possibly think that?

Your partner sounds revolting. I can’t imagine why you brought him. Send him home in economy and dump him.

Screamingabdabz · 01/12/2024 09:01

Ugh he sounds vile. You sound more like his carer with benefits than a true partner. You deserve so much more.

Toddlerteaplease · 01/12/2024 09:01

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

It's never a right. Send him home now and block him.

thymetofocus · 01/12/2024 09:02

Please send him home and don't see him again.

Shoxfordian · 01/12/2024 09:02

Sex isn't a right that anyone has, ever.

Helixpoint · 01/12/2024 09:03

Urgh he is vile OP

IlIlIlIlIlIlI · 01/12/2024 09:04

Can I ask what you want out of this thread, OP?

Based on the advice you get, what actions are you willing to take?

Are you prepared to leave him?

Nobody is going to tell you that his behaviour is normal or acceptable. He’s vile, and your relationship sounds difficult and horrible.

I’m guessing you know that his behaviour isn’t right?

Wheredidileavemycarkeys · 01/12/2024 09:05

Well he sounds quite the charmer Hmm

SuperfluousHen · 01/12/2024 09:05

When you come home can you leave him there? I’m being facetious, but really this is appalling behaviour. Does he always demand centre stage? He sounds vile.

very sorry for your loss 💐

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:05

I just turned 60 and I agree that I am not being firm enough. I suppose I feel obligated for all his generosity, but that should be his problem: he wanted to provide those gifts.

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 01/12/2024 09:07

He sounds vile. There are better men out there, but I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than with a man like this.

bringmorewashing · 01/12/2024 09:07

The pressure for sex is revolting, but more broadly he just sounds extremely selfish. A bit like my own STBXH who revealed himself to be a petulant manchild during my pregnancy when he was no longer the centre of attention! These men are not able to be supportive.

I did wonder why you paid for him to come if you didn't want him to? Did you feel unable to say no? Does he usually have a say in how you spend your money?

I've booked trips to see my family overseas without my ex, including for a funeral, and he too insisted on coming, made me feel guilty, and then made it all about him when we got there and spoiled it. Although I didn't pay for him.

RamblasTapas · 01/12/2024 09:07

Change his return ticket for asap, and drive him to the airport. Make sure he is in economy!!!

Why are you with him?
What does he add to your life?

KnittingKnewbie · 01/12/2024 09:07

What does him being a widower have to do with anything?

KnittingKnewbie · 01/12/2024 09:08

As others have said, I'd drive him to the airport today

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:08

You’re all correct. I’m being weak and I’m not going to stand for this treatment. I’m actually seen as a very strong woman in the public eye. I don’t know why I can’t seem to assert myself with partners! Time to see a shrink…

OP posts:
Colourblinds · 01/12/2024 09:08

Why do you have such low standards that you are anywhere near this man?

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/12/2024 09:09

AgentProvocateur · 01/12/2024 09:07

He sounds vile. There are better men out there, but I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than with a man like this.

Same here.

God, he sounds nasty.

blackcatsarethebestcats · 01/12/2024 09:10

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

It’s not a right anyone has, ever, in any circumstance.