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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

420 replies

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

OP posts:
TheFastMentor · 08/12/2024 02:19

Why did you bring him with you? He sounds like an absolute nightmare

Lurkingandlearning · 08/12/2024 05:05

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex on demand is never a right. The man is behaving like a stray dog

MadeInYorkshire69 · 08/12/2024 06:26

My limited experience of hosting Australian males in the UK has showed up these tendencies. ( not sexual partners, but “friends”) Back home in their comfort zone they were generous, good company and chilled out. When they came over to the UK on trips they were tight fisted, grumpy and mean to their partners and everything about the UK was criticised, from the weather to public transport to bathroom sizes. I was never so happy to see them fuck off and leave after weeks of free hosting on our part!

Pickytraveller1964 · 08/12/2024 08:02

You are absolutely correct! What a pain in the neck!

OP posts:
Pickytraveller1964 · 08/12/2024 08:04

You are right!

OP posts:
Pickytraveller1964 · 08/12/2024 08:10

Pity on my part at first, then I felt trapped. Pathetic, I know, but I don’t like feeling indebted to others and he obviously picked up on that and managed to put me in a position where I feel I need to pay him back. Looking at it now, I don’t feel obligated anymore!

OP posts:
Tanjamaltija · 08/12/2024 10:07

He tagged along and will only contribute his presence for sex-on-demand, is what I am taking from this. Even if he showers you with love and attention when on home ground, this about-turn is not acceptable. He is mean, and he wants to make you feel bad about your birth family, perhaps because he is jealous of your inheritance, and the fact that you do not need him in a place with which you are familiar, and he is not.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 08/12/2024 11:17

Have you managed to shake him off yet OP?

Grammarnut · 08/12/2024 12:32

Lurkingandlearning · 08/12/2024 05:05

Sex on demand is never a right. The man is behaving like a stray dog

Sex is never a right, either.

FeetLikeFlippers · 08/12/2024 18:28

I’m sure I’m not the only one wanting to hear an update once you get home. Please let us know how it goes if you have the energy!

Carouselfish · 08/12/2024 18:39

He sounds like he is using you and at the same time resents you for being able to treat him so he is complaining and being negative about everything because it's less damaging to his ego than being grateful. Suspect the generosity back home is also just ego driven.

Whohasnickedthesellotape · 08/12/2024 18:44

Sorry for your loss.
Slightly off topic really but he needs to go see his GP when you get back and get his prostate checked if he's up a couple of times every night peeing!
I bet he's looking for a nurse with a purse and has insisted on coming along as "support" to find out the cash details!
The sex request in your recently departed parents bed would give me huge ick. Glad that you're waking up to the need to make changes.

Marieb19 · 08/12/2024 18:57

Why are you with this awful man? Sex can NEVER be demanded. You are worth more than this. Dump him.

Feduptryingusernames · 08/12/2024 20:51

You sound like a decent reliable compassionate lady. Sorry for your loss. This man is a self centred prig. If he can't support you at this difficult time the writing's on the wall. Get rid of him.

galacia · 09/12/2024 23:40

I cannot help but think you knew he is a sweet but demanding child when you married him, so you in some way accepted that he could be an arse and totally insensitive before you took the vows. You're not blind or a fool. So I think core of your question is: I knew he could be an arse but was unprepared for this. What do I do? The answer I think is to insist on a talk about it and to set clear boundaries.

galacia · 09/12/2024 23:43

Also if he's plus 75 and a widower, he may have made his own pact with growing old and death that includes not decreasing his own pleasure etc.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/12/2024 23:21

@galacia

when did they get married ?The Op has referred to him throughout as ' partner ' not husband.

AndreaB220 · 14/12/2024 09:12

Is no one going to mention the £25000 she said she has already spent???? What on ???

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/12/2024 17:06

@AndreaB220 I thought that was spent on flights etc for 3 people for 10 or so days. Possibly stop over hotels en route if the flight wasn't direct. Car hire ? and meals out/shopping in supermarket etc.

but...

the Op @Pickytraveller1964 should be back now from the trip and hopefully she will return to tell us that she dumped him the minute the return flight touched ground...

Christmaschildcare · 12/01/2025 20:28

Hope you’re ok @Pickytraveller1964 x

Pickytraveller1964 · 12/01/2025 21:54

Thanks, made it back and have been steadily distancing since. He just announced he is going overseas alone to spend time with his late wife’s family. Thank you for all the support: it made extricating myself (reasonably gracefully) possible!

OP posts:
WoolySnail · 12/01/2025 22:23

Glad to hear it OP. Onwards and upwards for you my lovely ❤️x

ThankULord · 12/01/2025 22:31

Did he day when he will be back? I ask because I wonder if he thinks you both are still together. Has he asked why he is no longer seeing a lot less of you?

Well done on distancing yourself. Sorry you had to go through that. Hope you were able to sort everything you needed to at your parents place.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 12/01/2025 22:56

Did you not dump him the minute you arrived back home.

Ohnobackagain · 13/01/2025 12:10

Well done @Pickytraveller1964 he has realised you’re no longer receptive to his ‘charms’, hence his solo trip. What a creep.