Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

[Pickytraveller1964]

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

I'm sure you don't want to know this, because surely you already know that sex on demand is never a right, not even on honeymoon.

This isn't about sex at all. It's about living with an arse. My suggestion is: don't

His sexual needs are just that: his.

Not yours

The impact on the women isn't 'pathetic'.

Erm, I never said it was was…

This hits the nail on the head.
How on earth can you stand him ???!

I haven't read all the responses, got to about page 6, but in case anyone hasn't suggested it, he sounds like a classic narcissist OP.

When you are home, do read up on narcissism - there's a chap on YouTube - H G Tudor, who has some very informative material, or look up narc site.

It seems to me as though you are very genuinely empathetic which makes you vulnerable to these types. In addition you are also emotionally vulnerable because of where you are in life.

I bet in the beginning this man was wonderful - attentive, doing renovations on OP's house, which is odd behaviour in the new stages of a relationship. Basically it's all about control and using you both physically, financially and emotionally, to fill a void in his life.

These people are very dangerous. They love bomb their targets in the initial stages of a relationship before going on to behave like total monsters.

They mess with your head which is why you are here on a forum, bewildered and looking for support, because you know deep down his behaviour is wrong.

Folk like this man aren't capable of empathy and always find reasons to make their targets feel like everything is their fault. They are perpetual victims and in this man's addled head, he probably does thing you are being unreasonable, if he's not self aware.

So no, I don't blame you, but please don't stick around or allow yourself to believe this is a one-off, because no doubt this man will try to plead special circumstances when he realises he's toast.

I would avoid confrontation with him, or any dramatic gestures. Hopefully he hasn't got any keys or ties to your life back home.

My genuine advice is be as grey and boring as possible. If you can't face the inevitable drama of sending him home, don't have sex with him and engage with him as little as possible.

You need to bore him so that he fucks off his own accord. So sorry this is happening and sorry for your loss. 💐

What are you doing with this guy? Goodness me, leave him now.

Dump him. And charge him for his air fare.

im more worried that he’s sniffing around hoping to get his hands on your inheritance.

I would be worried about that too.

OP seems to act like she owes him something.

She also let him come on an emotional trip which was meant for just her and her daughter and felt she couldn’t tell him no.

It’s ringing huge alarm bells.

Sounds like he’s morphed into a complete prat. Could he be feeling intimidated and taking it out on you?

Ugh! Any respectful partner wouldn't do this. You're grieving, he's being selfish.

Yeah does seem very odd indeed! 🤔

He’s a rude nasty controlling tightarsed sex pest almost old enough to be your father - is that really life you want for yourself? He just seems to want a nurse with a purse on his dotage - surely that’s not how you want to live the last 1/4 of your life? You’re only 60 - there’s so much better out there for you without this geriatric loser dragging you down and bleeding you dry

Sex on demand is never a right. Surely you know this?

What an ar*h*e, give me his email. Will tell him.

He is using his money to own you, he has spent his money on your house so feels you owe him sex whenever and wherever he dictates, in his eyes you owe him to take him away on holidays he knows you can’t afford. He loves to control people, to feel superior so he spends his money on people so they get on their knees chanting ‘we are not worthy’ and then he becomes their dictator.
Get rid of him of old saggy balls he is with you for the control he has over you not because he cares about you.
You have paid enough on holidays and so debt is paid up no matter what he says! He is hoping to get you to pay back with any inheritance you may receive and most likely is rubbing his hands knowing you are grieving feeling you are an easy mark.
He is despicable

I agree with a previous poster, change his return business class ticket to middle seat economy

DUMP HIM IMMEDIATELY!

Sex on demand is never a "right"!

WTAF are you doing with this POS?

He's absolutely disgusting. Let him sulk. Preferably somewhere else.

I don't understand why you are tolerating this!

@Pickytraveller1964

"He lives separately."

Well that's a blessing! Because you can easily kick him to the kerb. All that remains is when to do it.

If he doesn't have a key to your house & you're not financially entangled, I'd be tempted to tell him right now that the relationship was over and he needs to get out and find his own 'lodgings'. I'd offer to change his return flight to an earlier date if that's what he wants but that I was going to downgrade it to cover any change fees. If that's not possible, I'd still tell him to leave and I'd try to change my flight or at least change my seat booking, calling the airline if I had to, so I didn't have to sit near him.

If he has a key to your house or could otherwise cause you 'mischief' if he got home before you did, I'd make him up a bed in a spare room or on the sofa and tell him that's where he's sleeping from now on and if he doesn't like that he can go to a hotel. If possible, I'd arrange a 'slightly' earlier flight for myself so we 'parted company' at the airport but I knew I'd get home first. If that's not possible then the minute I landed back in Oz I'd tell him to find his own way home because we were done.

He doesn't deserve any consideration from you because he's given you none.

@PickPickytraveller1964 Sex-on-demand at any time is a no-no! It doesn't matter what time it is.

If he is demanding and no doubt demeaning, sulking, etc. to get what he wants, it's called abuse

P.S: I've just caught up on bits of the thread. Wtf is he coming on the journey with you if you live separately

I would be amending his return ticket, he can go back home now.

thank goodness he is only a partner, and not a husband.

he is nothing but a creep.