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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner wants sex on trip for me to deal with deceased parents’ estate.

420 replies

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:49

AIBU to be TOTALLY uninterested in sex during a trip overseas to deal with my deceased, beloved parents’ estate? I told my aged 75+ partner that my daughter and I would be caught up in trying to deal with lawyers, banks, old friends and administrative issues and recommended against coming. He wanted to come. He wanted Business Class too. I have spent over £25000 this far just on travel expenses. He complained because the flight attendants on Qatar had to adjust his first class seat for him, giving me thumbs-down sign regarding the airline. On arrival at our house, he complained the duvet was too heavy then yanked it off me in the middle of the night. I got a separate duvet for me and he accused me of trapping him under his duvet. He has made no compliments about our house except that the rooms are big but he wishes ceiling beams weren’t painted. He complained the shower screen should be higher. He does not like my hybrid SUV. He does not speak the language here and I have to do everything. He wakes up multiple times a night and goes to the toilet or checks his phone, waking me up each time. I’m paying for everything, which I said I would, but he has little positive to say except he wants me to “play with him” in my dead parents’ bed. When I said I’m really not in the right state emotionally or physically to “play”, he said “well you were able to nap yesterday so I don’t see why not. “. (Maybe because I’m in my beloved parents’ bed, my daughter is nearby, I’m exhausted mentally and physically, he is long on complaints and short on praise, I am the sole driver, procurer of groceries, cook, dishwasher, money source and I only have ten days to try to see all our family friends and lawyers…???). Now he’s acting put out and semi-sulking downstairs. AIBU to not want to service him in bed?

OP posts:
Grimgrump · 02/12/2024 23:13

I feel like I’m in an alternate reality sometimes when I read these threads. OP, your ‘partner’s’ behaviour is utterly selfish, entitled and uncaring. Treating it like a holiday, demanding sex in your dead parents’ bed and that too when you are exhausted and grieving, is just another level of vileness.

ErinBell01 · 02/12/2024 23:21

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:19

At home, he has made renovations to my house and took me on a couple of lovely holidays. I was grateful. He lives separately. He has much more money than I and tells me so all the time but he wants me to repay him for the renovations I needed by taking him on trips. This is the second expensive trip I have taken him on and will be the last. I’m done. I told him I am going to have to work to earn back some of the money I have spent and he quipped “That’ll take you forever!” I should have walked off right then.

You realise that he's paying you for sex? What does that make you? Are you happy with that?

Get rid of him, he's vile.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/12/2024 23:23

And stop paying for anything further whilst you are away.

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 02/12/2024 23:39

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:05

I just turned 60 and I agree that I am not being firm enough. I suppose I feel obligated for all his generosity, but that should be his problem: he wanted to provide those gifts.

And you have spent thousands to keep him happy on this trip and bending over backward for him. Just because he has bought you gifts, etc. does not mean an obligation to provide sexual favors on demand.

You really need to decide if the gifts are worth the cost he wants in turn.

You need comfort and support right now. Not to feel the need to perform to keep someone "satisfied". If he needs to, he can depend upon his friends Rita and Laura for his pleasure.

Flibberteegibbet · 03/12/2024 01:00

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:33

Trust me, it did. No, he wants me to “service him”. In my parents’ bed. Absolutely not doing it but it’s hard having him here sulking and I’m feeling very low and insecure right now.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Believe me, giving in to his selfish demands is only going to leave you feeling even more low and insecure. Please summon up every last bit of strength you can and get rid of this creep asap. He sounds utterly vile, you really don’t need him in your life anymore.

Codlingmoths · 03/12/2024 01:04

I suggest you shift his flight to tomorrow, economy and tell him to take it, or leave it and get himself home

ClairDeLaLune · 03/12/2024 01:44

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex is never a right. Dump him, he sounds vile.

BlueFlowers5 · 03/12/2024 01:48

He has been generous? Has he paid for it do you think? Wake up and value yourself more OP. Please. He sounds vile.

Isittimeformynapyet · 03/12/2024 02:21

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

There are no laws in place specifically governing family bereavement trips, but I'm sure you know that any
non-consensual sex is against the law.

Well, it is in the UK, anyway.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/12/2024 02:43

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 10:29

I’m not rich. He demanded Business Class because he paid for renovations on my house (he offered). I think I have now suitably compensated him. I can’t afford to do this again, that’s for sure. That’s why I mentioned business class, because it is his reimbursement, not because I’m “boasting”.

Please change his tickets so you don't have to rebuild your savings.

So he gifted you refurbishments... And then went back on it... I'd keep a hard line... You gifted those to me.. Carry on, in repeat.

I'd dump him!

I'm a similar age to you... 75+ seems ancient from where I'm standing...

Couldn't you find a decent 40 or 50 something?!

HelterSkelter224 · 03/12/2024 03:24

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 08:52

i just want to know if sex-on-demand is a right that partners have when accompanying their SO on a family bereavement trip.

Sex on demand is never a right anyone has,ever, regardless of the circumstances. And completely understandable why you wouldn't be "in the mood" given what you're dealing with and also his behaviour. Kick him out to sleep on the sofa!

Sorry for your loss OP

MelodyFinch · 03/12/2024 03:47

Sorry for your loss 🌸🌺and the hard work bereavement always brings. Your partner ought to have the sensitivity to realise this. I would send him home and seriously consider his future with you. This kind of man is never there for you in times of trouble.

Toffeelady6 · 03/12/2024 03:52

Don't know why but this has given me the creeps.

He sounds delightful. Like a leech.

I'd get rid to be honest.

Mere1 · 03/12/2024 06:17

Of course it isn’t. It never is a ‘right’.

bitterbuddhist · 03/12/2024 06:58

OP, I am so sorry for your loss, may your parents' memory be a blessing.

As for your soon to be ex partner, I'd get rid. He's at the age where he's looking for a nurse or a purse. Let it not be you.

Pickytraveller1964 · 03/12/2024 07:28

I definitely need to buy a bigger sofa for this house!

OP posts:
Pickytraveller1964 · 03/12/2024 07:31

7ft1garysson · 02/12/2024 19:33

That whole thing has turned my stomach. Gross.

Succinctly sums up my current state and feelings. Thanks!

OP posts:
Pickytraveller1964 · 03/12/2024 07:34

Suchasonganddance · 02/12/2024 20:56

This hits the nail on the head.
How on earth can you stand him ???!

At this point, I can’t!

OP posts:
Pickytraveller1964 · 03/12/2024 07:42

SecretPimplePopperWatcher · 02/12/2024 21:01

I haven't read all the responses, got to about page 6, but in case anyone hasn't suggested it, he sounds like a classic narcissist OP.

When you are home, do read up on narcissism - there's a chap on YouTube - H G Tudor, who has some very informative material, or look up narc site.

It seems to me as though you are very genuinely empathetic which makes you vulnerable to these types. In addition you are also emotionally vulnerable because of where you are in life.

I bet in the beginning this man was wonderful - attentive, doing renovations on OP's house, which is odd behaviour in the new stages of a relationship. Basically it's all about control and using you both physically, financially and emotionally, to fill a void in his life.

These people are very dangerous. They love bomb their targets in the initial stages of a relationship before going on to behave like total monsters.

They mess with your head which is why you are here on a forum, bewildered and looking for support, because you know deep down his behaviour is wrong.

Folk like this man aren't capable of empathy and always find reasons to make their targets feel like everything is their fault. They are perpetual victims and in this man's addled head, he probably does thing you are being unreasonable, if he's not self aware.

So no, I don't blame you, but please don't stick around or allow yourself to believe this is a one-off, because no doubt this man will try to plead special circumstances when he realises he's toast.

I would avoid confrontation with him, or any dramatic gestures. Hopefully he hasn't got any keys or ties to your life back home.

My genuine advice is be as grey and boring as possible. If you can't face the inevitable drama of sending him home, don't have sex with him and engage with him as little as possible.

You need to bore him so that he fucks off his own accord. So sorry this is happening and sorry for your loss. 💐

You are correct in that I am a narcissist’s dream because I have been diagnosed with an unhealthy level of empathy. I keep trying to overcome it but it is not easy, although I am great at defending others in similar situations and am the person people call to fight for their rights when they are being mistreated. I just can’t seem to bring myself to defend myself consistently. You also are correct in that I should be able to passively move him away from me once we are back home by simply being unavailable. That won’t be hard as I plan to work seven days a week to pay off this trip!

OP posts:
Pickytraveller1964 · 03/12/2024 07:53

FozzieP · 02/12/2024 21:31

Sounds like he’s morphed into a complete prat. Could he be feeling intimidated and taking it out on you?

I’m sure he’s feeling intimidated on some level because he can’t stop finding fault with things and then saying “I don’t have this problem in Australia”. It’s simultaneously insulting and infuriating because if I respond, he says “Oh, you’re being ridiculous.” This is a 250 year old house (fully renovated) but it has some quirks, like sloped ceilings that in place one can bump into if you pay absolutely no attention. He told me I need to “fix them”. What an idiot. Thanks to everyone here, I also see my own idiocy and I will be making changes: but not to the house!

OP posts:
Pickytraveller1964 · 03/12/2024 07:54

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/12/2024 02:43

Please change his tickets so you don't have to rebuild your savings.

So he gifted you refurbishments... And then went back on it... I'd keep a hard line... You gifted those to me.. Carry on, in repeat.

I'd dump him!

I'm a similar age to you... 75+ seems ancient from where I'm standing...

Couldn't you find a decent 40 or 50 something?!

I think I’d be better off all alone!

OP posts:
WoolySnail · 03/12/2024 08:09

Pickytraveller1964 · 03/12/2024 07:54

I think I’d be better off all alone!

You would be better alone than with a creep like this!x

pinkgirl2018 · 03/12/2024 08:54

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 11:27

At this point? I get a strong desire to get out myself. I suppose I’ve been grieving and have felt grateful for the support he offered and obligated to repay him for the things he insisted on paying for and I felt like I couldn’t just drop him after all that. But I’ve been increasingly appalled by his creepy demands and misogyny. It just took the shock of being back in my parents’ house and have him act like this to make me finally snap out of it.

I’m so happy you’ve made this realisation. He doesn’t sound like a nice bloke and please don’t feel the need to spend any more money on him. That could end very badly, with you left spending your retirement money and him left in a very comfortable position. Not a good situation to find yourself in. Look out for yourself.

JFDIYOLO · 03/12/2024 10:42

OP, I wonder if being in your parents home is helping you think how they would have felt, what they would have said knowing this about what was happening to their daughter? Could this be part of your eyes opening?

I'm your age and my partner's 12 years older though a VERY different personality and behaviour!

My mum's in her eighties and would definitely have something to say, if this were our case.

DearDenimEagle · 03/12/2024 10:44

Pickytraveller1964 · 01/12/2024 09:19

At home, he has made renovations to my house and took me on a couple of lovely holidays. I was grateful. He lives separately. He has much more money than I and tells me so all the time but he wants me to repay him for the renovations I needed by taking him on trips. This is the second expensive trip I have taken him on and will be the last. I’m done. I told him I am going to have to work to earn back some of the money I have spent and he quipped “That’ll take you forever!” I should have walked off right then.

He is using money to control you. Then he wanted Business class in a trip you didn’t want him to come on?
He’s a practised abuser and you need to grow some self esteem. He isn’t generous at all if everything he spends comes with strings attached.