To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

Your friend sounds awful and I feel really sad for the people who are supposed to be her family.

Hmmmmm - interesting

No one should feel obliged to invite people and then cater for them at Xmas. Sure it would be lovely if they did, but there is always a back story. Even if it is just anxiety over hosting.

how many folks do you invite each year?

It'll be interesting to see how your friend reacts in 20 years when her own kids just want to spend Christmas with their partner and children and she's excluded. Because her kids will have learned that this is how you do Christmas.

Ponder whether she wants to spend Christmas with her adult children. She is setting up a scenario where that isn’t the norm.

It's not really any of your business. How do you know your friend and her family really got on with each other and there weren't issues between them you don't know about? People have their own way of doing things.

I agree with @Losingthetimber - there’s more to the story.

Just because people have kids doesn't mean others are suddenly entitled to have Christmas. People bombarding the house is what we all hate about it so for our 3rd Christmas it's just us for most the day and I'm glad. Haven't been able to have a minute to enjoy or daughter growing up. And managed and dealing with others is just ridiculous. So I'm agreeing with your friend. You don't know the full background. Leave her be and stop pushing your ideal time on her

I think she sounds like a horrible person and I feel sorry for her family.

Not a popular opinion on here, but I completely agree with you. People have become very selfish about Christmas. I suspect many of those planning 'our own little family' days won't be quite so happy if their children choose to do the same and they end up left on their own. Everyone is different of course, but I still don't quite understand this stance.

You need so many threads on here about women who spend 30years catering to everyone else at Christmas and completely resent it. They miss all of their children's Christmas' serving drinks to everyone and cooking and cleaning.

If she doesn't want to host then there's absolutely no reason she should have to. Let her enjoy her Christmas.

We always choose to spend Christmas just us and the kids.

I would mind your own business and stop being so judgy.

Unbelievably selfish in my opinion. Christmas isn’t just about you and your partner and your kids and your instagram account. It’s a Christian festival which is mainly about being kind.

I bet she gives these relatives a present, when the only really presents they want are to be with their family and she’s stopping them. What a total bitch.

Is she supportive of them on the other 364 days?
That's the key thing here.

Increasingly we are living in a society where people do whatever THEY want with little regard for anyone else. It’s selfish and your friend and her husband should be ashamed.

You’d feel ok about leaving your terminally ill parent on their own on Christmas? Charming.

You also have no idea of their family dynamics really either unless you're in it. I'm leaving my mum alone this year, I just can't be bothered. I'm sure people will judge me but then she spent a lot of my childhood/ teen year prioritising her social life and buggering off on holidays over xmas without me.

She used to tell everyone I'd chosen to spend it with my dad!

Stop discussing her Christmas plans with her.

If you disapprove of her choices, you can tell her, or not, but anything Mumsnet says won’t make a difference to how you feel about it.

I do the same as your friend tbh. In the past I have hosted, and if dmum was alone I would invite her.

Fil was alone one christmas so we invited him. Was a fucking nightmare, hated every minute of it. In the past have felt sorry for waifs and strays and they have ended up at ours but am not doing it anymore. Ds is 11 and dd is 20. Realistically dd will possibly want christmas with boyfriends in the future so may be our last christmas day. And ds just wants to play with his stuff. We also have horses so the day is busy anyway. And like to have dinner when it's ready, not at a specific time.

NyD I have a house full, do a big 2nd dinner and everyone is welcome.

Things will change as the dcs get older. They will have their own families and make their own traditions. We are close enough as a family that I hope we will make new traditions as a family but it will be up to the dcs once they are adults what those traditions look like.

Families are complex.

Well as long as she doesn’t complain when her own kids do the same time to her when they grow up and if she ends up widowed.

Well what goes around comes around - so she's setting a precedent that she could be alone when her DC are older. Is that what she wants?

Honestly, reading Mumsnet has shown me just how selfish people have become around Christmas. It's not just the ruthless exclusion of everyone outside your nuclear bubble, it's the absurd amount of money people spend on presents for their children and the terror that their kids will be disap. Christmas really does seem to primarily be about self-indulgence and materialism now.

I find it all so upsetting that we're spending Christmas hosting international students at our home, and I've really consciously limited myself with present buying. We all have about 3 inexpensive gifts each (this is normal for us, not new, so no one is disappointed).

Some people on Mumsnet do seem to be obsessed with hunkering down with just husband and the kids for Christmas. That is not what Christmas is about for me but then again I enjoy spending time with my family.

I'd be devastated if when they're grown.up my kids didn't want to spend some part of Christmas with me. Plus my kids absolutely adore their grandparents aunties, uncles and cousins so I do feel like id be depriving them of the fun of Christmas just in the house with me!

On the topic of not inviting terminally I'll parents to Christmas it's unbelievable to me and very selfish.

And that's fine. Because that's how I had Christmas as a child and how we started doing Christmas when we had several young children. People were welcome to joins us though. If my children want to have a quiet Christmas at home with the kids, I'll support them and understand why.

I do think it's a bit rough to not do it differently for a year or two when someone is terminally ill or to not allow them to come visit while you're at home though.