To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

We spend Christmas with my entire family. Personally, I would prefer to spend it with just DH and my DC. But my DC adore their grandparents and aunties and uncles and love the big family Christmas thing.

The same back story for her parents, her in-laws, and her sister?

Sounds like there would have been at least four years where various relatives should've been invited. And more once the terminally ill PIL dies and there's only one left. So while it might seem like a one off to invite them it wouldn't be, it would be every year. So I get where she's coming from. We also have Xmas just the four of us, but see relatives Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. For one 12 hour period I want it to be just us.

It's precisely none of your business.

I'm not a particularly religious person, or even a sociable person, but I think the idea of extending your feelings of goodwill to all men, forgiveness and inclusion, reaching out, etc., are great ones to remember at least once a year and make an effort, even if you aren't Christian. I like the idea of sharing in the meaning of other religions too. Where's the harm? So I have in the past invited the old lady down the street with no family, any waifs and strays who have lost parents/partners, etc., and I think we'd all be better for that. It's only once a year FGS. So yes, I agree with you.

I guess it's possible, but unlikely, that both her parents, both her in-laws, and her sister are all awful.

I wouldn’t leave anyone on their own, but as the woman/DD/DIL/ wife, it seems MY Christmas doesn’t matter.

I’m the one doing the mental load, planning, shopping, wrapping, cooking, baking, cleaning, and tidy up, as do a lot of women in here. I’ll have to deal with MIL doesn’t like sprouts or Turkey, FIL wants his vegetables boiled to a pulp, they don’t want to watch a Bond movie, comments about drinking too much after 1 sip. In return I’ll get little thanks, and if I’m lucky a thoughtless present.

Hey, but so long as extended family are happy eh? It doesn’t matter that I’ve spent loads of Christmases going to bed at 9pm exhausted and massively disappointed.

Well I did read that.

To me it sounds as though she is being defensive. As though she needs to justify how she choses to spend Christmas.

Personally I find Christmas a very upsetting time. I try and ignore it as much as possible. If any one talks to me about Christmas I just nod along and try and be polite but not to encourage the conversation. I try and let it wash over me.

I don't see why , even if she initiates the Christmas conversation, you have to be invested in it and be invested in how she spends hers.

Don't judge her just because she does things differently than you, if she's otherwise a good friend. Some folk just prefer a quiet day, no hosting, no having to pander etc. Also, there may be a back story you don't know about.

It wouldn't just be a year or two would it, it would be a couple of years for her family, then sister, then in-laws and before you know it the kids are past the most magic age and all you've done is spend it serving everyone else 🤷🏻‍♀️ at least it's a blanket decision and she doesn't lick and choose!

It's not necessarily what I'd do but I can sort of see why she does it

Maybe her DH is a shit who makes her life hell if she has people over.

Maybe she is a very rare woman who isn’t trying to keep absolutely everyone happy.

Nobody knows the whole situation.

May well be that she's physically and mentally exhausted juggling 4 kids, sick parents, family drama, the constant, unrealistic expectation that she'll be available to sort out everyone else's needs 24/7 and so on to infinity.
It's impossible to keep everyone happy all the time, but it usually falls to women like your friend to do this.
Families are complicated - so much of the drama is unseen by others. You may be giving the people around you everything you can of your time, care and energy, but it still isn't enough for them.

She's taking one day, and perhaps only a part of that. I would not judge her.

She has 4 others to cater for and entertain - husband and 3 kids. Husband is helpful, she says.

It's the terminally ill part that makes me feel judgey.

If you read my post, I'm posting because she keeps talking to me about Christmas.

I can understand why you'd find it unusual. I think the majority of people would spend it with a terminally ill relative.

I think there is more to this. Have the kids got SEND which makes the day stressful? Does she have social anxiety around the day itself or her husband/partner? Traumatic memories of Christmas as a child? Could just be as a simple as she wants a nice quiet day just them which seems unusual to those of us who feel it's a social event but odd to exclude dying relatives.

Well said.
I refuse to be the person you describe and I feel no guilt.

You need so many threads on here about women who spend 30years catering to everyone else at Christmas and completely resent it. They miss all of their children's Christmas' serving drinks to everyone and cooking and cleaning

This is due to lazy bastard husbands, not Christmas itself. If they pulled their weight the women wouldn’t haven’t shoulder all the work.

And one extra guest really doesn’t create a lot of work.

Well, can you tell her that so she stops mentioning it to me then, please?

I used to not have anyone over at Christmas because of my ex husband. His mother wouldn't come because his father wan alcoholic, and she wouldn't leave him. Therefore we couldn't ask my parents or sister as it would look like we were favouring them. According to him.
I probably looked like a selfish person.

Now I have a full house every year and I love that.

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging

Make the choice not to judge and allow her to do her own thing

HTH 😀

It depends on the extra guest and their expectations. I know I'll have to prepare more meat this year due to our one guest no doubt rejecting anything vegetarian!

Why don't you ask her to stop talking about it if it upsets you?

OP have you thought about the logistics of having the terminally ill parents over? The picking them up, dropping them off, is it even possibly to get them in a car? The toileting, medication, changing pads, feeding and that it may be upsetting for adult DC?

I would definitely ask her whether she thought her children would invite her to Christmas when they were married.

I can’t imagine wanting so spend Christmas without my mum.