To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

YABU - no one really knows what may have gone on in families but in an ideal world - YANBU

Another evil middle aged woman not sacrificing herself for the entertainment of everyone else around her every year.

Because that's all us women are good for.
Taking care of everyone and making sure everyone has everything they need.

Oh please. Inviting your dying mother round for Christmas is hardly the ultimate sacrifice is it? I’m sure her mother went to some trouble for many years to give her a nice Christmas.

Wind your neck in. None of it is any of your business.

The terminally ill mother went to her other daughter. 😬

If she is kind and helpful to her family for the rest of the year I think it’s fine for her to have one tradition that she doesn’t accommodate them on at all. It sounds like she’s found a way of making her Christmas much better than it used to be. And if she’s otherwise kind and helpful I’d have to wonder about people who want her to give that up for their sake. Also seems pretty harsh to judge someone who’s had 3 family members go through longish terminal illness in recent years. That’s hugely unlucky and must be pretty draining. It might be she sees it as respite as much as anything.

If she isn’t kind and helpful the rest of the year, seems pointless to be judging her just for this one thing.

But she didn't leave her alone.

The OP has conveniently left out the part where the sister hosted the mum. So, the mum was never alone.

😂I read it and that was my immediate thought - it’s made up by a poster with an agenda. Now I’m convinced!

Unless there’s a backstory I do think it’s really mean.
My DM is widowed and I would never leave her or my sibling alone at Christmas.
We all muck in together, no one person ends up hosting more of a group effort - maybe she feels she’d end up hosting and not enjoy the day?
It’s weird she keeps bringing it up to you, maybe she’s wanting you to agree with her? Maybe she’s feeling guilty on some level.

I think she might find herself alone at Christmas in a few years if this is what the kids are used to, I hope she’s ok with that

How right you are @JMSA.

I think it's quite decent to think about others who are alone and would appreciate the invite. Maybe they're happy being alone?

I mean this with all sincerity, I have rotten health issues and am absolutely ok with being alone. I'd prefer it. It's just another day to me.

There could be all sorts of things that have happened behind the scenes with her family too. She might have had awful experiences with them or with them over Christmas in the past.

She's definitely missing the whole point of Christmas.

Nothing wrong with wanting to spend just Christmas with your children and partner, but not inviting her terminal mum sounds harsh, unless there was more to the eye with their relationship. Perhaps her mother was abusive? We don't know.

Ok I’ll rephrase: “the thought of not being with my mom if she were terminally ill makes me want to cry”. Is that better for you? Because yo me they are both horrendous.

@BitOutOfPractice that's your mother though, you have no idea of the relationship with this woman and her family!

Then I hope you have a happy and peaceful Christmas

@DoreenonTill8 the op knows them all and says they all get on. Everyone on mn immediately assumes every family is toxic. Most aren’t.

However you rephrase it-your original point was incorrect-the friend's mum wasn't alone. She was with the sister.

And again-how you feel about your own situation with your own mother doesn't reflect on how other people feel about their own situations with their own mothers.

Believe it or not-not everyone has wonderful relationships with their parents. And some people have people in their lives that to the outside world are wonderful, loving people-but are abusive or nasty to those closest to them.

As I said @PoppyRoseBucky the automatic assumption on MN is that all families are toxic / abusive. Most aren't. The OP says she knows the mother as well as the daughter and as far as she knows they get on. Most families don't hate each other.

Women really can't win, can they?

When women complain about how they dread Christmas because of how much of a burden they find it and how stressed they get hosting everyone, doing everything, they're told to set boundaries. Only invite who they want-and do what they want. Create the Christmas that they want.

When a woman does set boundaries and creates a Christmas that makes her happy-people label her selfish, self-centred, a Scrooge for not opening her door for everyone.

No one thinks it's selfish of the people who expect, year after year, to act in the role of guest and never host-and just demand others provide the Christmas that they want, year after year.

Some part of me thinks it's jealousy from the people who love acting as martyrs who feel resentful over the fact that some women have been able to set boundaries and finally have the Christmas that they'll enjoy, too.

The reality is, no matter how well you think you know your friends family, OP, you only know what others have wanted to show you. There are lots of people and relationships that seem lovely that are quite the opposite. There could be some hidden reasons that your friend doesn't want to mention that she couldn't host.

Also, it's totally off to try and claim that your friend (as if you're acting like a good friend here-you're not) may have MH issues. If she does struggle with anxiety, why isn't that sufficient reason to not host if it makes her anxious?

Or are women just expected to swallow every negative feeling and thought in service to others?

As far as she knows-again-key phrase.

The fact is, the OP and you (and I, for that matter) don't know the reality of their relationship. Your feelings about how you would feel in the friend's position is irrelevant. You may have a very different relationship to your parents than the friend did with hers.

Either way-the friend's mum wasn't alone on Christmas. The friend obviously had her reasons for not hosting-and her reasons are hers alone. You don't have to agree-but I suspect that even if the friend were to come on here and explain-many of your crowd-wouldn't accept her reasons regardless.

Absolutely @PoppyRoseBucky !!

I think that's rather sad x but sums up the way society is these days x

In the way that people today won't be strangulated by social conventions to ##bekind to people no matter how shitty they've been because 'family'...?

I wonder whether it has occurred to her that she is setting herself up for her own children doing exactly the same to her when they have their own families.

Maybe they are a pain in the arse?

Her husband being "helpful" doesn't equate to him doing 50%.

Have the in laws ever hosted?