To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

This is an interesting insight; thanks.

Op, if she keeps bringing it up, i'd wonder if it's because she feels some guilt and hopes you will sympathise with her choices and agree with her choices.

I wonder if there was more to this as to why she wouldn't even have her terminally Ill mother for just one Christmas. Was there abuse from her childhood etc. If there wasn't and she had a happy childhood, it would be hard not to feel that she was being quite mean. Unless she also had the same type of Xmas growing up with only her nuclear family?

I would struggle to sympathise with her choices but I guess you don't want to rock the boat by saying you think it's mean etc. I suppose you could ask how she would feel if her kids decided not to include them at xmas when they grow up.

This is interesting. I guess we jump to 'selfish' opinion but a whole host of background reasons might apply. Also, isn't it interesting that the blame is on the mum? Women carry pretty much all the mental load and burden of Christmas. Do you feel the same about her husband? Should it not equally be his responsibility to think about who they invite?

I prefer Christmas with family now I have kids. I used to find it so much pressure with parents wanting everything to be perfect and the constant pressure to be happy every second.

Now the kids are there to take the focus off it's much better. They're naturally joyful and energetic which my parents love.

We haven't always spent it with family though, because my now ex is anti social and preferred not to see anyone at Christmas. He didn't care about leaving his parents alone. It was a bit miserable the last few years. Looking forward to having happier Christmases.

There's always a back story with families though. And Christmas is a particularly loaded time.

I'm aiming to have the kind of relationship with my kids that they want to spend time with me when they're adults, rather than it being an onerous duty. However, if they don't want to do Christmas together, it's just a day and not the end of the world to find something else to do.

I have been brought up to think that you look out for others at Christmas and would always invite extended family or close friends to join us if they might be on their own. It is the season of goodwill after all.
And if we don’t see people on Xmas day because of limited space we will make an effort on Boxing Day.
People do seem to be increasingly self-centred nowadays, which is a shame and doesn’t reflect well on society as a whole.
There’s no need to be a martyr about it either.
Everyone is invited to pitch in and share the responsibility and most are happy to do so.

If your friendship is solid enough, I would say to her what you wrote here -- in a nice way. "I respect your opinion and love you as a friend, but I find it difficult to hear that you leave your sister alone on Christmas. Would it not be kinder to inviter her, even if it's just this first year after her divorce?" And if she repeats her point of wanting to be alone with her family on Christmas, you should feel at ease enough to say "I understand, but as listening to you talk about this makes me sad, would you be OK to talk about other topics?"

I think it's miserable too, op. People are increasingly selfish.

Maybe they were, but she talks to me about stuff, and she's never said they were. 🤷‍♀️I've known them since primary and they always seemed nice - but I know you can't know everything. But parental abuse wouldn't explain why she also doesn't want her old and sick in-laws nor her sister there.

Maybe she was exhausted dealing with her dying parents and needed a small family Christmas.
The year before last I posted about this on elderly parents board and every single reply was to go enjoy my Christmas with my adult DC and that I do more than enough during the year.

We would visit DH parents before Christmas and have my parents over on Boxing Day. We liked to spend the day itself with our children. Now we go away and see GC before and after the day. You should be able to do what you want and enjoy the day. As a widow once said to me ‘if they don’t invite me for normal Sunday lunch, why would I go to them for Christmas?’

That's a great idea and way of expressing it. I've known her and all the people involved since primary, so it does kind of make me sad. Maybe her parents and sister were monsters behind closed doors, but they were always kind to me growing up and she never said anything. Also wouldn't explain her being the same towards the in-laws.

I will ask her as you suggested.

I feel really sad for your friends parents and sister. I’d love a Christmas just me and my husband this year but I’d never in a million years allow his mum to be on her own sat eating a Xmas dinner for one - just no.

Like someone else said - I wonder how your friend will feel when she is elderly and she is not invited to her children’s house for Xmas. She reaps what she sows.

You need to set clear expectations from
the outset.
If people don’t offer, tell them what you’d like them to bring.
Give them jobs to do.
Nothing wrong with that.

Quite.
Seems the DH gets a free pass on any responsibility.

Exactly my thoughts @Gorgonemilezola!

My personal choice would be to spend a Christmas at home with just DH, DC and the cat. But my in laws are also elderly and not in good health, so we’re packing up the car for a 5th year, leaving the cat with a cat sitter and driving 6 hours to spend Christmas with them.

I wouldn’t dream of leaving them alone over Christmas, they need help with cooking and putting the tree up, but are wonderful hosts, adore DC and we’ll have a brilliant time. I’ll have my Christmas at home when they’re no longer with us.

Our Christmases have generally been us and the kids, now adult kids. I don't invite my brothers and probably won't as they get into old age because for years they have been completely snobby about Xmas and selective who they want to spend it with. Ours was always the last on the list despite having young children at the time so now I say fuck it. There's always a back story to these things. Perhaps you don't know it.

For us Christmas is a time of coming together, sharing in the compassion and generosity of Jesus as we celebrate his birth.

We have family all over the country and world! Christmas is a great time in the year to reconnect.

I have kids and though I think at some point we will switch to hosting Christmas dinner at our house rather at our parents I am sure Christmas will always involve family.

We do enjoy having some time with just us and the kids but I mean a few hours, not the whole day!

I would also consider the values that it teaches my kids. Though out family is spread out we are close. Our family help each other out a lot and are important to us.

This. Time to read a Christmas Carol for some.

SHE keeps talking to me about it. Why can so many people not READ!

@NoisyDenimShaker I think everyone is projecting their proper experience when responding. If you have abusive/ toxic family members you don't want them around your children on christmas no matter how ill they are. Some people are just plain selfish though "Christmas is supposed to be magic and full of joy for the children so ofcourse we can't have old Mil with terminal cancer around". The latter I would judge harshly because christmas should be about inclusion. And showing our children generosity and kindness toward others is really important. For those who are "too tired" hosting maybe you just need to step down your expectations on what hosting need to include. Let everyone pitch in, make simple but good food, don't hesitate to buy frozen goods to heat. I couldn't live with myself knowing that family members (non toxic/alcoholic/abusive) spend christmas on their own unless it's their choice to do so.

The problem OP is that we don't know about your friend's relatives and her relationship with them so we really can't judge whether she's being selfish or protecting herself and her family..

We’re doing Christmas Day alone this year and did last year. For us it’s easier with the logistics of where both grandparents live etc and I love that I can actually be present with the kids all day. We see extended family on the days around Christmas Day. This will likely change when the kids aren’t so little and would change in some of the circumstances you mention. But you might also not know the full ins and outs of it and it also doesn’t affect you in any way (if you are just the friend and not the sister!) so I really wouldn’t be so judgey and definitely wouldn’t be encouraging others to join you in the judgement.

If she was my friend I'd definitely judge her.

We have had the world and their wife to Christmas dinner in the past . Mostly elderly friends of the family, always my parents and always my Mil.
It was a chore to have them l will be honest but we made them all welcome and they all enjoyed their time with us . They have all died now and l am looking back and thanking God that we had that time with them.
I miss those days believe it or not .
How your friend can be so uncharitable towards her own family is beyond me tbh. I think I would have distanced myself from her because of it .
I have to say though, l think she is the loser .