To judge friend's approach to Christmas?

[NoisyDenimShaker]

I'm desperately trying not to judge my friend, who keeps talking about how much she loves spending Christmas only with her husband and kids. I don't have kids, so perhaps I just don't understand. But I feel I've watched her turn into someone I'm finding more and more difficult to respect. Here's the situation: Her parents are dead now, but when they both had terminal cancer, a few years apart, she wouldn't invite them for Christmas. Even when her mum was terminal and widowed, she wouldn't invite her. The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren the last two Christmases of her life. She was terminally ill for both of those Christmases, although the cancer hadn't yet overwhelmed her and she could have travelled. Anyway, it didn't happen, because she wasn't invited.

My friend also has a sister whose husband had an affair, and the sister will be alone this year since the parents are gone and her husband is with OW, but she won't invite her sister. (When I say alone, she'll probably have invitations since the sister is cool, but she has no family left to spend it with.) Neither will she inviter her in-laws, who live nearby and are old and one is terminally ill.

She gets on fine with all those family members, whom I know are deeply hurt, as our families know each other and go way back. What she says to me is that she just wants to spend Christmas with her husband and kids.

So my question for all the parents here is this: When you have kids, is it understandable to just spend it with the husband and kids. even when various family members are dying and/or alone? That they grow up so fast, and in the blink of an eye, they'll have their own partners and Christmas will change forever? So you want to have Christmases alone with your spouse and kids while you can?

I'm just really trying to understand, because friend keeps talking with glee about how she's having the Christmas she wants, and I'm having difficulty not judging.

I don't have kids, so perhaps my friend is being totally reasonable and it's what all parents want - just to be alone with their spouse and kids at Christmas? Maybe my friend is not being unreasonable?

This is such a bizarre thing to post.

You don’t know anyone with kids that does Christmas differently to her?

a close friend of mine doesn’t have kids. Her and her husband spend Christmas Day very low key. Just them. T

Is this how all people who don’t have children, spend Christmas?

It would be bizarre for me to assume they do it the way they do it is because they don’t have children.

Well yes if they’d been a shit parent, being ill doesn’t cancel out everything.

A few family and friends.

We've been doing this for years - also have four DC. It's a busy household on an average day but even more stressful on Christmas.

I have no interest or intention to host as I have health problems myself so no, running after others I just can't do all day on Christmas. Same with DH.

There's obviously more going on with this story!

Why don't you just say then that you feel a bit sad for her mum? Maybe she doesn't like her mums companion and feels she's have to invite him too and doesn't want to. Or why aren't the mum and sister having Christmas together, isn't the mum worried about the sister being on her own.

On the other hand if she starts inviting people where does it end? Is she going to end up with the sister, the mother and companion (or else maybe he'd be on his own) and the inlaws? 11 people in a house is a lot to have to cater for, how could she enjoy any of it?

That does sound really sad on the surface. But how do you know things like this

The mum did have a companion, but she was desperate to spend Christmas with her daughter and four young grandchildren

Maybe she didn’t want to? Maybe mum was a horrible person and friend was protecting her and her kids’ peace?

Agree it’s probably more likely that friend is just selfish but you haven’t provided any context about how you know the inner workings of a friend’s family dynamics?

I find this pretty mean, I don’t think i’d be friends with someone like that as she sounds incredibly selfish

💐🙏

I really don't understand why people make such a big fuss about Christmas, it is just a day!
I prefer it when we can stay home with just the kids and have a lazy day.

As a child I remember having to go visiting older relatives when really we would have liked to have been at home playing with our new toys, not stuck at their house where they controlled the TV and you just had to sit there til your parents decided you had been there long enough.

There are still some relatives in my family now where you pop round with the children but they aren't interested and would rather stick to their own quiet routine and not be disrupted by a loud family around them. I even had one relative turn up the TV when we were there 😂

Although the friend may sound mean you really don't know the dynamics well enough and it may be that the mum and sister would have preferred a quiet day. Also why could they have not got together and why is it your friends responsibility to play host?

As a parent (of teenagers) I can understand wanting Christmas by yourselves in your little family unit sometimes, especially when they’re primary school age. But absolutely not at the expense of loved ones being alone or when they’re terminally ill. That’s awful. Christmas is a time to think of others. When it comes to spending time with family I also try and think about how I would like to be treated in their situation - your friend may well regret this in years to come when her own children don’t bother with her at Christmas because she didn’t set them an example of including the wider family and being considerate of their needs and wishes.

It's nothing to do with her having kids - your post reads a little "so mothers, do you instantly forget your own parents once you have a baby?".

On the face of it, she's being very selfish. I would never leave any of our parents alone on Christmas, they're all coming here this year as they did last year and then we'll travel to them between Christmas and New Year to see other family and friends as we moved away from our (separate) home places.

It's lovely but frankly it's fucking exhausting and by January we're both done in. Every. Fucking. Year. I wouldn't have it any other way as for me Christmas is about seeing extended family and friends, but...

On the face of it, your friend is awfully selfish. But, she has 4 young children and has had a succession of terminally ill parents and parents-in-law. That's a really fucking huge care burden and it does often fall on the women. I can kind of understand her carving out one day to just spend relaxing at home. I wouldn't do it, but I can understand it.

I'm with you OP, unless there is a backstory you aren't aware of, I think it's heartless to leave your terminally ill mum to spend her last Christmas by herself.

I disagree with this whole 'Christmas is for the kids' nonsense. Yes, of course kids love Christmas and you want them to have a lovely time, but it's also important for everyone. Particularly older people and people who are single, who don't get to spend as much time with family.

Kids also need to learn compassion and empathy and making everything about what they want and teaching them to ignore the needs of other people in their lives - even their Gran! - is not a good lesson

You’ve said she has a sister. What was the sister doing at Christmas while their parents were very ill?

There once was a site, a bit like here..
Once upon a time it was referred to as "The Other Place" and some would reference it in a manner such as:

Sparkly shite
Your Bab, your rules hUn

Etc.

Well, I think I'll borrow that and say,
"Your Christmas, Your Rules"

Everybody does Christmas a bit different. Some invite as many as will gather. Some don't.
Some people aren't festive at all and wish it would piss off, but they try and get through it best they can.

If you want a house full, work from dawn till dusk with cooking and cleaning and filling drinks and entertaining and rushing around like a loon, if that's your thing... Crack on.

OTOH, Give me the telly, a bag of nuts and a bit of cake and wake me up on boxing day.

You have the Christmas you want, leave your friend to have the Christmas she wants, that's all there is to it.

Oh crikey don’t bring logic into it that’s not what the op wants!!

That’s very magnanimous of you. I don’t have kids either. But I am a fully grown adult that can make my mind up about situations and how to feel about them especially when it comes to my friends. I didn’t need to dig deep though, there’s plenty of unkind comments about your friend. Or did you miss them?

Please don't pish on your friend. That wouldn't be very Christmassy.

This. Maybe she will have a cat by then when she's home alone for Christmas.

I agree with you OP, and the stats seem to suggest that others do to. Particularly defensive time of year for the "my little family" lot which they may find comes back to bite them in the future.

It's a tricky one I think.
I wouldn't leave a terminally ill relative alone over Christmas no.
However, we have people round every Christmas and I hate it. They don't even get themselves a drink so we have to wait on them hand and foot all day.
The amount of time and effort that goes into getting the house and dinner ready, served and tidied away is crazy and to be honest I'd just like to enjoy spending Christmas Day with my kids rather than racing around keeping everyone else fed, watered and happy.

THIS!!

I would say you maybe don't know what her true relationship with her family is or the full story. Maybe they all act like assholes around Christmas. I had a parent who did this and although I did spend Christmases with them till they died, I'm a bit traumatised by their behaviour tbh. I didn't have kids when they died, but I wouldn't inflict that on my kids at Christmas, so most likely would steer clear. To an outsider, you'd never have known

YABU

She's free to have the Christmas she wants, but unless there's some massive backstory I would judge her for not including her own terminally ill mum, as that seems pretty cold and cruel. I would also wonder how she plans to spend her Christmases when her children are adults and she's not invited anywhere.