How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

How do you “deal” with your son’s girlfriend? Short answer: you don’t. They are adults. Leave them be. She’s his choice. She’s 18, for crying out loud. How were you when you were 18? I know what I was like. Treating my parent’s home like a hotel and putting my own enjoyment before anything else, my nights out with friends, my boyfriend, etc. No one is born in their 40s. We all go through that stage of being young and carefree. So what if she wants to have children at a young age? You don’t even know if she does. But if she does, that’s between your son and her. Not you.

Since there are two of you at home and both work full-time, how messy can the place get? You’re just lazy. You’d rather spend your time and energy bitching and moaning about your son’s girlfriend on a public forum (does he or she know you are talking publicly about them in this way?) than tidy your living room. Shame on you.

To be fair to the OP, for someone with a chronic health condition, an hour a day could be something that is completely out of reach. Holding down a full time job whilst ill is hard enough for many.

But it doesn’t really matter. It’s a symptom of not feeling well, in many many ways. Perhaps a person doesn’t know why she/he feels so crap no matter what, or it’s so many things put together that’s been going on for a long time that it is easier to lash out at something
”practical” close to you. Even though deep down you know it’s wrong. But it’s a cry for help. And maybe a bottomless feeling of loneliness.

It's awful isn't it.

The op is clearly struggling yet we have poster after poster sneering at her problems with housework due to health problems, doubting her inability to do domestic chores because she wears herself out working then other posters bringing stuff up from other threads.

Op, I'd name change if I were you to discourage the advance searchers/nitpickers.

I've taken her and my son out for meals and she always dominates with what she will and won't eat. - we all have pour food likes and dislikes - not sure what the problem is here except that you clearly despise her and her family.

I am sorry that you are suffering from depression, and under those circumstances it is very important that you do not alienate your son, so say nothing and carry on wild be my advice. You probably need him more than he needs you!

would - not wild!

OP, I have a chronic health issue that causes fatigue and pain. I recognise how hard it is to keep on top of the household when you need all your energy to do basic things and I see you are working full time. I echo suggestions you apply for PIP and use it to employ a cleaner but you need to get your kids to help you declutter and sort stuff out first. I can understand not liking your son’s girlfriend but try and let that go and focus on yourself and getting your home life sorted out. If you can only sort out one shelf at a time start like that and gradually things will improve.

Right, OK. So that invalidates anything I feel now, right?

One hour must be unimaginable for someone with depression. Try one minute, and you’d be lucky.

Wise words. Thanks so much.

it is worrying when a prospective life partner (who is by no means 'stupid') has already ducked out of education, which might mean they rely on my son financially in the future, especially if they have a family.

I really think you would do better to focus your attention on the substantial and pressing issues in your own life than on creating negative narratives about your son’s girlfriend’s possible future.

You’re using this as a distraction from dealing with your own problems.

But your encouragement of the OPs seemingly irrational dislike of her sons partner ISN’T kind. It’s quite the opposite.

I also interpreted it that way, but it's still a very misogynist insult. It's a nasty word, not a word I'd use (with either meaning).

Until you've walked a bloody painful mile in the shoes of someone with physical impairments, please don't judge on what can or can't be done.

Don't take any of the nasty replies personally, OP. Many people know nothing about physical disabilities, or just don't care to even find out, and that becomes very obvious on these boards.

Sprigatito……
my thoughts exactly! This poster seems to be bringing things on herself with the way she complains and belittles an 18 year old she hardly knows! I am not surprised her son spends more time at his girlfriend’s house!
That said, i am sorry about the poster’s mental issues but surely these are part of her problem? Until these issues are addressed she is unlikely to be able to think logically and calmly.

You know what? That emoji was really unnecessary and actually cruel as fuck.

THIS /.

Maybe it's the only chance some get to feeling 'superior' to others, and they are getting their moneys worth. 🙁

OP. Why are you not claiming PIP?

I'm not sneering at her family...

@Nanny0gg several ppl queried the op working due to her statement about her son's girlfriend ls mother getting pregnant at 17 and not working herself. That's why asked . But thanks

I think you're not well OP, well you said so yourself. We have a tendency to focus on the wrong things when depressed. Your number one should be getting your house in order: for yourself but also for your son. Tell him to help you out with everything that's "heavy". I would start by 1 room to make it more manageable. If you can affort it get someone to help you out at least to get started. Don't waste your energy thinking about son's gf, it won't get you anywhere. Also, I know many young women who were little pests but who turned out lovely. You never know. Give her the benefit of a doubt.

You obviously haven’t read the full thread… I’m laughing because the op was accusing a poster of being someone she knows in her personal life simply because they knew the kids dad wasn’t her partner, so wind your neck in

So she doesn't know how Mumsnet works. Why would that make it OK to laugh at her? She's obviously struggling and there's just no need. It's nasty.

I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18.

What would you call this then?

I don't actually know what PIP is! I get my salary, and I can still work, as my job is sedentary, I only have to travel into town a couple of times a week for work, which I can manage, so I don't feel I should claim benefits. I'll look into it, thank you for mentioning it, but I really don't want to feed off the state if I don't have to, when, Christ knows, so many people can't afford food or somewhere to live.