How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

I have read 9 pages. And I understand that OP is not well, and is focusing on the wrong things to be angry at. It’s quite obvious.
I don’t have to wind my neck in.

So what if she thought mistakenly thought it was someone she knew irl? Just back off if you haven't got anything constructive to offer. Laughing at a possibly vulnerable person is not a good look.

OP, please step away from this thread. You're not helping yourself at all.

Your first post (which you may not recall in detail) sneers at her mother. You referred to "a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son".

You obviously aren't in a state to have a coherent conversation, so best step away. Get this thread deleted and start a new one about your (very obvious) mental and physical health problems.

You don't seem to have given any real reason for not liking her other than her mother not working and her being choosy when eating food. If she hasn't ever been to your house - just how much time have you spent with her?
Why not trust in your son's decision to choose his girlfriend and be there to support if things don't work out.

I would see about help with your depression - whatever form that comes in and when that is more stable - it will help with getting other things under control.

She lost her partner 4 years ago think you r being harsh

This thread seems to bringing out the worst in people and the hypocrisy is staggering. People claiming the OP is bullying her son’s girlfriend and lamenting her for not being kind, whilst simultaneously attacking the OP and showing her no kindness or empathy whatsoever. It is bullying - a complete pile on. The usual ignorance about mental health and chronic pain, calling the OP lazy, the incredulous ness of her not having a tidy house- these comments show a lack of understanding of the complexities of mental and physical health conditions. The bizarre inferences and nitpicking over OPs posting history, and again ignorance about grief. It is totally valid to struggle with the death of an ex partner, particularly if you had children together, they still had a relationship and history and no one here is in the position of deciding the validity of her grief! The OP herself has not painted herself in a good light either and all in all it’s been a thoroughly depressing read. I’m out.

My previous post still stands OP, wishing you all the best but I’m not sure how healthy posting here will be for you.

She’s been on it for years…..

Why are you ok with a grown woman being so disparaging towards a 17 year old girl?
A child.
Im not ok with it, and I won’t fawn over someone who does

Well if you’re as ill and pained as you say even the lower rate would be enough to pay a cleaner.

You're right. It's not like I spend my whole time thinking about the gf, or regard her as evil 😁. Also, many of my mates' kids were 'not ideal' to be around when they were little, but are really lovely now.

Given that the sons are (a) adults and (b) live in the house, I'd say they need to do more than 'help'. They need to do their fair share of the domestic labour. Housework is everyone's responsibility.

Perpetuating the assumption that the OP is the default person to do the housework doesn't help her.

Although it can be normal to have a dislike for the girlfriend you need to hold off.
You need your son to help with the house work and start inviting her round. She may not be as bad as you think (hopefully)
Let him know you support whatever makes him happy. Don’t show your disdain when he’s in love with her. He needs to make his own decisions, as much as you may have reservations.
It’s hard, I’ve been there.

'if I'm as ill and pained as you say'. Blimey 😀

OP you don't sound in a good place emotionally, you are not going to get the help and support you need here, forget about your sons girlfriend and her future, it doesn't matter. What's important is you get the support you need, your sons are adults, let them have their own lives.

The OP isn’t going to give further reasons why she doesn’t like this girl, because there are no further reasons.

The girl is a red herring, a convenient target of blame settled on by the OP onto which she can project the anger and dislike she feels towards herself for not dealing with her own problems.

It’s really clear that the OP has some serious internalized misogyny (notice that the criticism is all directed towards the girl and her mother, no mention of the girl’s father) and she’s lashing out at other women because she feels frustrated at her own lack of progress in life.

You're right. Thank you. Do you know (oddly enough) I'm starting to think I should never have posted on here? 😀Glad to have insights from people who can actually share their experience.

Well what else would I base it on? I’m not a claims manager. Stop taking everything as a personal insult.

Get you sons around to spend ONE day doing a massive clean up, ask them to please help you get out if your rut.

Right. Thanks.

You're disabled and live and work in the UK, and don't know what PIP is and are a journalist?

Sorry I think you've jumped the shark with that one.

And I was going to say, I'd be concerned if she truly is domineering and he changes personality when she's around... however you haven't given any actual detail about what exactly she does that you don't like.

You say she's domineering and controls the conversation over what she will/won't eat if you go out for a meal but, that could be that she has some pretty specific requirements and you're not listening/are discounting them for some reason...

Or it could be she's a total nob.

You're a journalist, surely you can work out how to feed us a story that gives us the details you want us to have! You've failed to do that, and thats why you're getting the responses you've gotten.

Referring back to your first post, why can’t your ‘kind, hard working son’ help his mother with cleaning and tidying? Or is this query going to be repeatedly ignored.

Thank you; I will do that; one of them lives up North but is coming home for Christmas, so will try to corrall them into spending a day helping me.

Given that the sons are (a) adults and (b) live in the house, I'd say they need to do more than 'help'. They need to do their fair share of the domestic labour. Housework is everyone's responsibility

I think the older one may have moved out now, but agree about the younger one at least lending a hand

However poster after poster's asked about this and for whatever reason OP's chosen not to comment about it - though TBF the erratic nature of the posts may suggest they're not currently able

I have an unpopular opinion. When I was 18 nobody liked my partner, nobody said anything and I don't know if I would have listened. I spent nearly two decades being abused before I seen the light and got rid. THEN they voiced their opinions. So I would say something. Not that you don't like her but bring up she did A, B and C what does he think of this? Does she have any good qualities? What's her hopes for the future? Talking about it all openly may help. It will either open his eyes or yours (incase you did get the wrong impression)

I'm sorry you feel the way you do about your home. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. We all go through hard times. Your sons should help though, I did for my mum and even ex MIL.
There may be charities who could put you in touch with a cleaner offering a free or reduced price clean.
Given this is impacted on your day to day can you apply for PIP with your condition? This could cover the cost of an ongoing cleaner.

I know sometimes a written text can come across as patronising, I hope mine doesn't. I see a mum struggling, grieving and worrying for her child and I hope you can get through it. I'm not about kicking anyone who is down.

To be fair you don't sound any better than OP did in her first post

It's a valid point; he just started work full-time in September, and while I work from home most of the time, he has to leave home early and gets back late, and then wants to see his friends and his girlfriend at the weekend, which I totally get.