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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

349 replies

BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 17:37

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:07

Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:03

@BrianBlessed01 But it's your behaviour /wording that is attracting the "horrible" so that must resonate somewhere?

I genuinely don't know, but I've clearly touched a nerve!

OP posts:
Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:08

@BrianBlessed01 maybe reread your comments on the thread ......

Original poster
BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:10

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 30/11/2024 19:58

OP PIP is a benefit for anyone no matter what their circumstances who have a life-limiting condition.
You do. You are in constant pain.
It is not about taking away from others. You have paid into the system.
I have read your previous threads and you have been through a lot. One trauma on its own was enough to have a huge impact upon your life.
You have still managed through all of that and work, and done your best for your kids.
PIP is there to support your independence and make your life a bit easier eg it would help you to pay for a cleaner. Imagine the weight that would lift from you?
You deserve it.
I accepted I needed it at some point, and at first I felt a huge sense of shame/failure. So make that a target - at least get the forms. You are a good writer as well with a pointed memory - that will help.
Then I think it’s time to get some trauma therapy. I’m not a professional, but from my own experiences, we often load our upset onto different issues which arise because we can’t deal with what has really happened.
I know you are a mum but as an individual, you need some help and support.
Try to not to worry about your son being taken for a ride by this girlfriend - they are only 18. There will probably be plenty more girlfriends in the future. And by getting to know you better maybe you could have a positive influence on her?
At the heart of every negative emotion we feel is fear and I sense that’s behind what’s making you angry, upset and resentful.
You deserve to feel better, and start moving towards a bit more contentment. It won’t be easy but imagine having a place where you could invite this young girl into your home and feel comfortable?
My home is when I spend most of my time and because I now have a cleaner it’s helped me so much.
And if you can just make a few tiny steps your children will see that and it will comfort them.
After all you have been through as a family, you deserve that comfort, and to start having some good times together.
I am very, very sorry for the loss you went through, and I appreciate that living with chronic pain is awful.

Edited

Oh Peggy, thank you so much for taking the time to reply at length. I really appreciate it. It does sound as if PIP might be a really good thing for me; I'll investigate it... Thank you for being so kind, as well as making practical suggestions. x

OP posts:
Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:12

Really?!

How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend
Original poster
BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:14

Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 19:47

@BrianBlessed01 your medical professional team (GP etc) would/should have pointed you towards PIP which isn't a new concept, I'm baffled as to how you are unaware of it.

My GP's surgery is overworked and not very efficient, through no fault of theirs, really. I genuinely was unaware of PIP. Nobody likes to think of themselves as becoming disabled but, thanks to people on this thread, I now know to look into it.

OP posts:
Offwegotomarket · 30/11/2024 20:16

@CheekyHobson

Some people really don’t understand the weight their words / judgements have on others.

Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:17

@BrianBlessed01 I'm entitled to PIP it's not a secret club, not that it's any of your business. There are many threads on here referencing PIP I'm not getting your faux naivete on it

Original poster
BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:18

FranticFrankie · 30/11/2024 19:11

I think you’re getting a bit of a pile-on, OP. Maybe you feel resentful of the girlfriend as a symptom of your general state; everything seems so much worse when you’re ill and depressed. Maybe you’re worried she’ll not be a positive influence on him. Maybe you’re afraid he’ll give up his education? Does GF have plans? A job? Do you feel he’d be “trapped”?

Perhaps your son could help with a tidy up? Maybe a declutter and he could deliver bits and bobs to a charity shop.
Do look into PIP; if you have a chronic health condition. It’s designed to make life easier and the money would pay for a cleaner.
Good luck

Thank you for taking the trouble to respond, Frankie. You are very perceptive; and I am definitely going to look into PIP, which I think might really help me. x

OP posts:
Original poster
BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:19

Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:17

@BrianBlessed01 I'm entitled to PIP it's not a secret club, not that it's any of your business. There are many threads on here referencing PIP I'm not getting your faux naivete on it

Please... I'm really not being 'faux naive.'. I hadn't heard of PIP. But I'm glad to know about it now.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 30/11/2024 20:22

Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:17

@BrianBlessed01 I'm entitled to PIP it's not a secret club, not that it's any of your business. There are many threads on here referencing PIP I'm not getting your faux naivete on it

Neither am I.
It's nonsense to think that the OP is unaware of it.
I also get it.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 30/11/2024 20:23

I can't believe you haven't heard of PIP. It's been in the news, it's mentioned all the time on MN, you're a journalist....

And maybe, just maybe.... give some ACTUAL reasons for hating this girl other than "she's a bit of a picky eater"

Original poster
BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:26

TheShellBeach · 30/11/2024 20:22

Neither am I.
It's nonsense to think that the OP is unaware of it.
I also get it.

Show quote history

'It's nonsense...' Well, you'll just have to take my word for it then. As long as that's what you think, that's OK. I am grateful to know about PIP now. I didn't recognise myself as someone with a disability until recently, so that's probably why it didn't register on my radar.

OP posts:
Anotherworrier · 30/11/2024 20:26

BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 18:26

Thank you; I don't think I said I 'loathe' her; she is an 18-year-old girl and that would be mean, and bullying. Which is something I hope I'm not.

Show quote history

Didn’t you call her a slag?

Wonderi · 30/11/2024 20:30

BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 19:26

You are right, and I respect that I will always be secondary to my kids' life partners, which is as it should be, but, as a kind person just said on here, it is worrying when a prospective life partner (who is by no means 'stupid') has already ducked out of education, which might mean they rely on my son financially in the future, especially if they have a family.

Show quote history

Why are you being so dramatic?

They’re 18 and having a bit of fun together.

She has chosen not to do A-levels, which is common in many young people.

So why are you thinking about her being dependent on him in the future or them having kids etc.
And if you genuinely think this, why would you want to tell him to go and live with her.

Just chill out and let them get on with it if she makes him happy.

Are you jealous of her?

I mean that in the gentlest way, but you’ve been quite nasty about her (and her mum), yet you’ve given absolutely no examples of it and as PPs have said, if she had done something wrong you would have said it.

So it just sounds like you’re jealous of her and you’re upset your son is ‘picking her over you’ (which you’ve implied more than once).

You need to back off and be happy that your son has found someone and is happy, especially after going through the huge trauma of losing their dad.

You need to focus on yourself and what would make you happy.

Original poster
BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:33

MartinCrieffsLemon · 30/11/2024 20:23

I can't believe you haven't heard of PIP. It's been in the news, it's mentioned all the time on MN, you're a journalist....

And maybe, just maybe.... give some ACTUAL reasons for hating this girl other than "she's a bit of a picky eater"

Sigh... I never, ever, said that I 'hate' this girl. She's only 18. I am concerned, as a mum, that she has dropped out of education, and of the possible impact, financial or otherwise this might have on my son, who has worked really hard to secure the job he has got, and is working really hard at it now. I can't possibly expect any considered or kind response from you to this, so I'm not sure why I've bothered explaining, but heigh-ho. Enjoy your evening, and thanks for all the great vibes! 😉

OP posts:
Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:34

@BrianBlessed01 sigh blah blah blah

Offwegotomarket · 30/11/2024 20:35

Plastictrees · 30/11/2024 19:39

This thread seems to bringing out the worst in people and the hypocrisy is staggering. People claiming the OP is bullying her son’s girlfriend and lamenting her for not being kind, whilst simultaneously attacking the OP and showing her no kindness or empathy whatsoever. It is bullying - a complete pile on. The usual ignorance about mental health and chronic pain, calling the OP lazy, the incredulous ness of her not having a tidy house- these comments show a lack of understanding of the complexities of mental and physical health conditions. The bizarre inferences and nitpicking over OPs posting history, and again ignorance about grief. It is totally valid to struggle with the death of an ex partner, particularly if you had children together, they still had a relationship and history and no one here is in the position of deciding the validity of her grief! The OP herself has not painted herself in a good light either and all in all it’s been a thoroughly depressing read. I’m out.

My previous post still stands OP, wishing you all the best but I’m not sure how healthy posting here will be for you.

Edited

I think a lot of women may be projecting because they have young daughters, have had difficult mil / or dd with difficult mil, subsidising their wages or rent with government help, grew up in a single parent home on benefits or were teen mothers.

The list could go on really. Whilst I sympathise with ops health problems, she really should read the room before making judgemental comments about people who are struggling differently (or the same, she barely knows these people) than her.

Its a very goady post.

Original poster
BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:36

Anotherworrier · 30/11/2024 20:26

Didn’t you call her a slag?

Show quote history

NOOOOOOOOO! I referred to MYSELF as a 'slut' which was then misinterpreted by people on here, when what I meant was; I hate housework (I should have put 'slattern.' There is absolutely NO WAY I'd call her a slut, even if I privately, and nastily, thought she was, which I don't! Jeez...

OP posts:
Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:36

@Offwegotomarket I'm none of those things.
HTH

Original poster
BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:37

Offwegotomarket · 30/11/2024 20:35

I think a lot of women may be projecting because they have young daughters, have had difficult mil / or dd with difficult mil, subsidising their wages or rent with government help, grew up in a single parent home on benefits or were teen mothers.

The list could go on really. Whilst I sympathise with ops health problems, she really should read the room before making judgemental comments about people who are struggling differently (or the same, she barely knows these people) than her.

Its a very goady post.

Show quote history

No, you're right. I should never have posted in the first place. I haven't come across well. But, at the same time, there are some thoroughly nasty people on here.

OP posts:
Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:38

@BrianBlessed01 for a journalist you are hardly a word smith

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 30/11/2024 20:40

BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:36

NOOOOOOOOO! I referred to MYSELF as a 'slut' which was then misinterpreted by people on here, when what I meant was; I hate housework (I should have put 'slattern.' There is absolutely NO WAY I'd call her a slut, even if I privately, and nastily, thought she was, which I don't! Jeez...

Show quote history

Slattern, slut... it's all just misogynistic crap. It's not defensible whichever meaning you were using. (And you weren't calling yourself one - you said "I'm not some slut". Your clear meaning was that a woman who doesn't keep a clean house would normally be a slut, but not you because your situation is different.)

If you want posters to engage with you, please cut out the misogynist insults. (And stop defending their use)

(And I see my previous list has now had "cows" added to it. Nice.)

AConcernedCitizen · 30/11/2024 20:40

BrianBlessed01 · 30/11/2024 20:37

No, you're right. I should never have posted in the first place. I haven't come across well. But, at the same time, there are some thoroughly nasty people on here.

Show quote history

Well, when you do the classic "AIBU?", the majority of responses say you are, but you pop off at everyone who doesn't validate your point of view, it's to be expected. There are ten threads a day like this on here, but people never seem to learn 🤷🏻‍♂️😅

SleeplessInWherever · 30/11/2024 20:40

Letmegohome · 30/11/2024 20:38

@BrianBlessed01 for a journalist you are hardly a word smith

Honestly, what’s the matter?

You’re not in the list provided by @Offwegotomarket of people who may be somehow triggered by this thread, you’re not in any way personally invested (as in, OP’s son isn’t dating your daughter), yet for some reason can’t let it drop, with anyone.

What on earth is causing this level of response

dreamer24 · 30/11/2024 20:40

Haven't RTFT so apologies if it's been answered already, but why can't your adult son clean the flat, OP?