How to deal with an 18-year-old son's girlfriend

[BrianBlessed01]

They were at school together, my 18YO 'held a candle for her', as they used to say, then they got together nearly two years ago. All good; really happy for them; relationships best built on a friendship etc. Except this girl is a total diva. I have depression plus am in chronic pain; hence our flat is a total, embarrassing, mess, so she's never been round here. So my son, who's busy with a degree apprenticeship, always goes round to hers when he sees her (she still lives at home.) The thing is, although I was open and happy to know her, I really don't like her, and my normally kind and thoughtful boy turns into someone unrecognisable when she's involved. My older boy and his g/f really don't like her either. I can't do anything, can I? My 18-Y-old still lives with me, in our small London flat, and gives me £50 a week since he's been earning. But I feel like telling him to off and go and live with her and her family. She's quite a bright girl, apparently but she's totally dropped out of education (didn't do A-levels), but her own mum had her when she was 17, and hasn't worked since... I'm worried there's a familial pattern of just taking the piss out of the state, supplemented by people like my kind, hard-working son, who is ONLY 18. Any advice welcomed. Thanks.

My mother (single) used to get us kids to do: birthday (leaves & garden clear up, winter stuff)
Mother’s Day (spring clean/odd jobs )

She would do special lunch for us. We kind of hated it, but it was free!

@BrianBlessed01 your medical professional team (GP etc) would/should have pointed you towards PIP which isn't a new concept, I'm baffled as to how you are unaware of it.

I just came here to say that my house is a shithole, certainly by my standards anyway. I wouldn’t be welcoming company into it that I wasn’t already familiar with.

My partner has chronic physical needs, we also have a child to care for with complex autism, and a variety of other needs. Sometimes after getting up 6/7 times in the night before eventually getting up forever at 4am, then working all day - frankly I can’t be arsed.

We all let things slide from time to time OP, try not to let the housework lecturing get to you too much.

You’ll always get a differing opinion. Try not to get upset with some responses. Focus on the ones you find helpful.
It’s human nature to judge others and sometimes if it’s a constructive judgement, it can help you to see it differently.
I’m sure if you explain to your son how much you’d love to get to know her properly and invite her round, he’ll be willing to help tidy up.

This threads isn't going to make it til 8pm! 🦇💩

I make no apology for regularly advance searching. So many posters flex the narrative to get the answers (and sympathy) they crave.

In this instance, advance searching should prevent anyone from going too hard on the OP. Knowing there's some complex troubles in play that might explain the anger and frustration.

That is incredibly kind, and appreciated. I really have kept schtum about not being keen on my son's partner to him, because I know it would make buggerall difference, and potentially endanger my relationship with him. We all remember being in love at 18, right? Also, living at home with me puts added pressure on him I guess. At his age, I was away from home, and barely gave a thought to my parents 😃.

Sorry you're feeling this way OP. Sometimes we get 6th senses about people and it sounds like you got a 6th sense about her too.

Ignore all the users on here who have said you're the problem. Some people really say some nasty things on here. It's why I refuse to post any of my own threads now.

😁Christ, I hope not...

Thank you.

I actually have got physical disabilities.

You know, I've been thinking, because my brain works in a weird way. You should invite the girlfriend to your house. Make it even more messier, then she won't want to come back and she might break up with your son because she thinks he's living in a s* hole that could be a way of getting rid of her just a thought lol

@BrianBlessed01 you have taken a severe pasting on here, AIBU can be a vipers nest.

But...you haven't presented yourself in the best light by making judgemental comments about the gfs mum.

I also live in chronic pain, so you have my sympathy. I too work full time and my house is not always the show home my mum thinks it should be. So I do absolutely do get your issues.

The problem is, you haven't actually really given any decent reasons to be do anti the girlfriend. Having food issues isn't a crime. I have severe food allergies so I am quite difficult about restaurants. I'm not being a dick but I literally could die just walking in to certain places.

From your post, your 18 year old is your youngest. Are you sure this isn't just jealousy that she has taken your baby?

Totally. And I'm sorry you have physical problems too. Thank you. x

Maybe she is the problem and should look at herself ?

OP PIP is a benefit for anyone no matter what their circumstances who have a life-limiting condition.
You do. You are in constant pain.
It is not about taking away from others. You have paid into the system.
I have read your previous threads and you have been through a lot. One trauma on its own was enough to have a huge impact upon your life.
You have still managed through all of that and work, and done your best for your kids.
PIP is there to support your independence and make your life a bit easier eg it would help you to pay for a cleaner. Imagine the weight that would lift from you?
You deserve it.
I accepted I needed it at some point, and at first I felt a huge sense of shame/failure. So make that a target - at least get the forms. You are a good writer as well with a pointed memory - that will help.
Then I think it’s time to get some trauma therapy. I’m not a professional, but from my own experiences, we often load our upset onto different issues which arise because we can’t deal with what has really happened.
I know you are a mum but as an individual, you need some help and support.
Try to not to worry about your son being taken for a ride by this girlfriend - they are only 18. There will probably be plenty more girlfriends in the future. And by getting to know you better maybe you could have a positive influence on her?
At the heart of every negative emotion we feel is fear and I sense that’s behind what’s making you angry, upset and resentful.
You deserve to feel better, and start moving towards a bit more contentment. It won’t be easy but imagine having a place where you could invite this young girl into your home and feel comfortable?
My home is when I spend most of my time and because I now have a cleaner it’s helped me so much.
And if you can just make a few tiny steps your children will see that and it will comfort them.
After all you have been through as a family, you deserve that comfort, and to start having some good times together.
I am very, very sorry for the loss you went through, and I appreciate that living with chronic pain is awful.

If their relationship works, you’ll have as good as cut him, her and any grandchildren out of your life forever by getting him to move out. If their relationship doesn’t work, he’ll need your support. Basically DO NOT kick him out (asking him to move in with her is as good as kicking him out as you’re taking the choice away from him). Equally, getting them to live together could make a bad relationship progress faster than it would otherwise and he could find himself feeling trapped with no other options.
Can you save enough to get a cleaner in to do a deep clean, then work together with your son to maintain it? If it’s in such a poor state it can be incredibly overwhelming and you just won’t know where to start. There’s no shame in getting help, ever. But it does need to change because it’s in your interests for the girl (or any future gfs) to be able to come over so you can get to know and understand her properly. If grandchildren come along at any point then surely you want them to be able to visit too.

You posted her previous thread, which shows how much trauma she has been there. Humans are not perfect, yes she has judged a young person but she has been through a lot, so perhaps a bit bitter.

Yes.

HTH.

Thank you. Throughout this thread I've recognised that a) I ought to have explained myself better in my original post (which was my fault, obviously) b) that there are a lot of really, really, horrible people on Mumsnet and c) thankfully there are a few nice ones, who actually give thoughtful, considered responses.

@BrianBlessed01 But it's your behaviour /wording that is attracting the "horrible" so that must resonate somewhere?

Yeah. I’ve just clicked that link, it was out of order resharing it whilst forgetting to mention the obvious trauma it was full of.

Absolutely kicking someone when they’re down.

Thanks so much for your response; these are all good points, but I should clarify there is no question of my actually kicking my son out! I gave the wrong impression in my original post. Yes, our home is messy, but we live together quite happily most of the time. I'd like him to stay for as long as he needs to.

😂